twentynineth/hello again.

So I sort of fell off the face of the Blogger world in the past...week.
Also fell off the whole, having control over myself wagon. But there we go.

I see that I have new followers..?? Which I'm absolutely ecstatic about considering I haven't even been on here in a week. Woah. Hi!! After this post I'm definitely off to read all your blogs. As well as catching up on everyone else's. (Sorry ladies..)

Anyway. Working out in the past week..hasn't happened. I had exams, then I decided I needed to truly celebrate my last weekend of freedom, then I had work..then I had two days of nothing before moving back home. Basically by that point, the laziness had taken over. And I can't go to the gym tomorrow because I have to go to my brother's commencement thing, then see a high school friend, then go to work. Ugh. Then saturday will be filled with more Graduation festivities, then family dinner, then work on Sunday. Ugh. Monday I will go to the gym. Then again, I really have no excuse to not hit the elliptical for half an hour tomorrow morning..we're leaving here at 10.30 so I might as well finish unpacking then get some sleep, at get up early to do that and shower. Hmm. Though I suppose I generally try to count work as somewhat of a workout..blah. We'll see. Depends how much unpacking gets done tonight. I really just need to throw out all the clothes that I don't wear because they don't fit me, but half of them I refuse on the basis that I'm determined to fit into them once again. Soon. But who knows. This weekend isn't going to be a whole lot of fun I've realized. No time for me. It'll all revolve around my brother, who then moves back home on Monday. Mum and Dad refused to pay his rent over the summer, so he's back here to save money. Blah.

Intake in the past week has been all over the place. Had days where I barely ate, then days where I just couldn't stop. Today was going really really well. I had an 80cal little dairy drink thing as breakfast, followed by lettuce with cream cheese wrapped in turkey and cherry tomatoes, then a granola bar. Then dinner with Dave...which ended up being at Noodles and Co. And of course I went for the regular sized pasta fresca with chicken. Which was absolutely delicious, and I left some of the pasta, but I still really should've at leastgone for the small. Should've had the small pad thai with shrimp, but there we go. Shit happens. Then he was still hungry soo we went to Amer's to get froyo. And I got way too much. But put fruit on it. But also reese's and butterscotch chips and chocolate covered raisins. It was so fucking good. And we walked around the block while eating so I figure that helped..but still. I ate far too much. What I hated the most was that I didn't even feel super full. Right now I'm thirsty as hell but I'd have to go down to the kitchen to fill up my Sigg water bottle, since it doesn't fit in the bathroom sink. And that means going into the kitchen. Where there's banana bread and peanut butter and pistachios and honey roasted peanuts and almonds and cashews and chocolate covered cranberries and ICE CREAM and other horrible horrible horribly delicious foods that I'm loving right now. Ugh. I can't do it.

Anywho. Off to unpack some more, and to then read lots of blogs before bed :)
love love.

tattoo.

it inspires me.

twentysecond.

Kay, one more exam 'til I'm done. Pretty sure French went well this morning, so not worried about that.

Feel super shitty, and wouldn't let myself purge. So now I feel worse. Intake:

five cookies - 500cal
peanut butter - 200cal
bagel - 300cal
salad - 150cal
saltines - 30cal
mashed potato/gravy/carrots - 200cal
chicken stirfry - 200cal
bite of turkey wrap - 50cal
1630?

WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE THAT GODDAMN BAGEL.

twentyfirst.

ate too much. slept too little. at least i studied a fair amount.

French exam in 7.5 hours. Should probably get some sleep.

Then Calc 3 on friday. Fuck my life. Ah well.

Fat failure. At least I'm an alliteration.


Sorry for all the negativity. Just not feeling it right now. Sorry. Stay strong, even though I can't. xo.

twentieth.

Today sucked. Fuck. Didn't get anything done I should've. God-fucking-damnit.

Three hours of sleep last night didn't help, either. Intake was way too high, to be honest didn't even count. But I know by 1pm I was already over 600cal. Ate what I suppose would be called a normal dinner, but then purged and purged until I couldn't anymore. Ouch.

Must shower then hit the library. Ughh. Friday at 12.30 I'll be done. Cannot wait.

nineteenth. :)

It's 5:45pm. I haven't eaten anything today, besides a grande iced coffee from starbuck's. With no milk, or anything. So I doubt that really is anything to count. Also hit the gym an hour ago, did a good 4miles/400cal on the elliptical, plus some back/arms and some abs. I'm in a good mood :)
Not really hungry, but agreed to grab dinner with a friend. Figure I might as well eat a tiny bit to give me energy to study my butt off tonight!
Little worried I may have gotten my tattoo infected since I keep touching it..oops :( I think it'll be alright though. Just gotta put neosporin on it. Picture of it soon, I promise:)

stay strong, ladies!
xo

on to the next one.

More of an actual update to come later on, possibly tonight, or else whenever I get hungry, as blogging is my favorite distraction :)
In a really good mood this morning, despite being overwhelmingly stressed about my upcoming exams. I'm off to class in a few minutes, but I just took some pictures and figured I'd put 'em up. Soo, this is me. Today. Hah.

Well, this obviously isn't me. This is the lovely cocktail of pills I'm downing at the moment. Big old multi-vitamin, little blue prozac, white penicillin, and a nice friendly advil. Hah.

My gorgeous skinny part-time-model friend gave me this shirt a while back..I never wear it because it just doesn't look good on me. However..I'm off my period and feeling less bloated, soo I'm wearing it today:)

Profile. This is why I never wear this top, haha.

Lastly..look at that gap:) yes, it's taken from a lower angle, but still. It makes me happy.

Alright, enough of that. Favorite song right now - guilty pleasure by cobra starship.

And now I'm off to class. Haven't eaten yet today. Don't plan to, if I can:) think thin, lovely ladies. xo

eighteenth.

longer post tomorrow.

pic:

(is that a hint of ribs i see in my back? maybe? no?)

seventeenth.

Exams are approaching, and I am stressed.

What do I do when I'm stressed? I eat. No. Not anymore. I will not let myself. Woke up this morning at 8.30 to be at the gym by 9. Did a measly 30min (350cal) on the elliptical, then pushups, crunches, squats, and my beloved gravitron pullup/dip/chinup routine. Not enough though. May go back later. My body just aches... I mean, it deserves a break. Really. But, after seeing 129 on the scale this morning, I really cannot justify giving myself a break. I need to work harder. Harder harder harder. Already had my food for the day. Considering purging..but my throat hurts too much. I don't know. Here, help me out - should I give myself a break for a bit? Taking the following into consideration..

-I have some sort of tonsillitis-y thing, that I'm taking penicillin for 4x/day (damn, need to go take that)
-Also, taking advil just as often as the penicillin for the pain.
-I'm on my period. Enough said.
-I'm stressed as hell about my exams/my grades.
-Oh, and I've developed this habit of staying up for ridiculous reasons until around five or so, then waking up at like, 8, maybe ten at latest. Not feeling it.

Maybe I'm just being a weak-minded little bitch. Entirely possible, to be honest. Ah well. Off to the library I go, probably going out tonight, but no food. Just alcohol. I can justify that, especially if I work out again later. Maybe go for a run or something, we'll see. Plus, the lack of food will greatly reduce the amount of alcohol I will find it necessary to ingest. There we go. Then work tomorrow..maybe just stick it out and no food 'til work? I don't work 'til twelve, so even if I do eat right before, I'll have fasted for 24hours. Though if I stick it out to the end of my shift, that'll be 29. In which case, I might as well keep going, to thirty. Then maybe to forty. Forty hours of fasting would take me to...4am Monday morning. Hopefully I won't be up that early. Maybe if I convince myself to get up at 9 to work out before going to 11am class...I can eat at 12. That'll make 48 hours. The thought is so daunting, particularly given my eating habits as of late, but I can't help but crave the feeling I think I'll get from completing it. Hell, right now I'm aiming for 24 hours. Shit, even 12 hours will make me feel accomplished. YES.

I must go, make some tea, get my calc book from this kid who won't bring it down to central campus for me (goddamnit) andd hit the books. Hard. I'm excited. I want to get alot done. I'll check in on you all in a few hours, when I take a nice little study break.

Models are beautiful. Models are thin. Thin is beautiful. Stay strong, ladies. xo

sixteenth.

I did it. I got my tattoo yesterday. It's a bit different from the picture I posted, because the artist redrew it for me, but I absolutely love it. It's on my left shoulderblade, and I couldn't be happier. I'll post a picture as soon as it's healed. Everyone of course is asking what it means.. so I tell them- it represents freedom, being free from everything, and being able to just fly away. What I don't tell them? That I want to be able to fly, to have hollow bones, to be light as air, and spread my wings and fly away. It's weird, I feel almost like..I'm not alone. It's there almost keeping me company, a part of me, not just a symbol inked on my skin. Also it makes me feel independent, and solidifies the notions I've been ignoring that I am good enough, and I can be who I want to be.

Just not sure how pleased my mother will be. Anyway.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, no breakfast, grilled cheese and tomato soup with cucumber and turkey for lunch (guessing..600cal?) then dinner was a veg fajita and a beef fajita, didn't eat the tortillas, and just added tomatoes and a tiny dab of sour cream. so guessing also around 600cal, at most. Okay, so I weakened and got ice cream..(I burned my mouth the other night so it was soothing..) but not too much, and then walked a mile right afterwards. I felt so sick as soon as I stopped eating, but I had to walk to this concert with my friend L, so I sadly wasn't able to purge. Which is good, I suppose, as my throat hurts plenty thanks to the strep, or tonsillitis, whatever it is. Anyway. Let's thing positively.

J, (don't know if I mentioned him, but he's absolutely gorgeous though a junior..i'm a freshman..he's a poli sci major and does naval rotc) texted me last night asking what I was doing, I said I just had a night in, did a bit of work(white lie on the work part) and he said hopefully he'd see me today. :) yay. I have class 11-12 (so must go workout beforehand) then work 5-10 but maybe after. I have to get an entire calc assignment done in between then. Slightly screwed, should've done it last night. Or should've done it wednesday night, or should've drank less wednesday night and done it  yesterday morning. Oh well. Regrets are no use.

Think I've sorted out my schedule for the fall, the classes I'm taking sound interesting so I'm excited. As I said, I'm off to the gym. It's been far too long. In terms of food today..I'll eat when I get back after class, go to the caf and get YOGURT. Sounds super good right now. Throw in a banana, maybe a couple pieces of peach. Yum. Then..I guess if I'm hungry I'll grab a piece of fruit before work and probably take a granola bar with me just in case..doesn't mean I'll eat it though. Anyway, I'm off!

Have a good day ladies, remember to always see the positives:)
And the greatest positive of all is seeing the negative--as the pounds fall off us:)
think thin! xo

i just love everything about this picture.

fifteenth (fail.)

yesterday. hmmm. let's see.


well it started out with a normal-ish breakfast. then had applesauce for lunch. then dinner? oh me oh my. pierogies and potatoes and salmon and salad and TWO (?!?!!) pieces of chocolate cheesecake. vom. tried ever so hard to purge but then my friend was waiting by my room for me to go to the library...didn't get anywhere near enough up. so we go to the lib, i get nothing done, go to the bonfire, drink two bottles of wine and some beer, smoke a bit, and get very very fucked up. cue bad decisionmaking. thenn, to make it worse, we end up going to get pizza. from where i work. oh god. and breadsticks. so many calories. ugh. gross. i feel so fucking fat. honestly prob gained three pounds yesterday minimum. haven't weighed myself in a week. don't plan to today.


fuck my life. i can't do anything right. i hate this.


must go work out. ugh. 

fourteenth.

Okay, no baby in this belly. Thank you thank you thank you. Never been happier to have such terrible cramps. Also found out I have either strep or tonsillitis. Fabulous, no? So I'm on penicillin for a week. Four of them a day. Plus 600mg of advil basically the same number of times. I really don't like being on pills like this. The only pill I don't mind taking religiously is my birth control I was on antibiotics for over a year for acne in high school and I resented it. Then I was on prozac for the better part of a year, and I hated that too, though for different reasons. Mostly because the doctor never told me one of the side effects was weight gain, so I blame those goddamn pills for most of the pounds I put on last year. Though I know plenty of them in the fall was the freshman fifteen that I refused to believe in, along with forgetting that I wasn't swimming 2.5 hours a day anymore. Anyway, I've gotten sidetracked.

Being sick hopefully will quell my appetite.. My throat hurts so much that I'm going to attempt to stick to soup, etc. Been eating breakfast in the caf past two days..I really do enjoy breakfast. Ate a bit too much, and I binged last night :( but oh well, I did just get my period. So I shall blame that. Can't exercise too much 'cause sickness has got me bogged down and drained of energy, but I think I shall try to get some in later today. Maybe just elliptical or bike rather than running though. Anyway.

Intake.. breakfast this morning was a little bit of eggs, five potato tots, some scrambled tofu, some yogurt with half a banana and a few cheerios, then a chocolate muffin with a bit of peanut butter. yeah..that's alot. whatever. too late night. let's see.. 500cal? may be a bit low but..fuck, I don't know what to call it otherwise. Plus I'm trying to think positive. So now I'm off to have applesauce (50cal) with a tiny bit of cinnamon (boost metabolism, supposedly) before two hours of class. Then I'm done for the day! So then maybe go and work out, shower, then study for a few hours. Sounds good to me.

I know I've said this a million times, but this really is a new beginning. I'm determined this time. I've realized making a strict detailed plan doesn't work for me, and I've realized I can't just go from over 1000cal to fasting for a day. I just can't. What I can do is persevere, take baby steps, and believe in myself. The last part will undoubtedly be the hardest. But I can do this.

Someday I shall be light as a bird. Here's the tattoo I plan on getting:

fourteen.

my period has not come.

it always comes on wednesdays.


fuck.

day..four? blah.

Hi new followers! :) I"ll be sure to check out your blogs..Okay not gonna lie I really don't comment often. But I def read them anyway:)

Been doing a shitty job of keeping to this plan of mine, mostly due to many unforseen events, such as drinking half a fifth and waking up across town. Anyway. Pigged out this morning at breakfast, had ravioli and half a donut and two cookies and a mug of milk and some eggs. blah. oh and little bit of oatmeal. SO, I don't plan on eating for the rest of today. Feeling a bit sick. Planning on going to the library to get some stuff done, taking a break and going to the gym, showering, then finishing up homework. I don't wanna leave it all 'til tomorrow night, you see. And I figure I should be productive.

Off to do this. I shall take a honey tangerine (50cal) to the library with me and a bottle of water. Nothing else. Nothing but liquids and fruit for me today.

la la la.

goodbye.

day two, supposedly.

So I failed miserably at fasting. Fasted from 9pm last night til 1pm today. that's all. that's also not including the vodka and gatorade I had last night.

Also, scale said tonight that I'm a whopping 127.8. what. the. fuck. I've worked out everyday. It's not like I've been massively overeating (aside from binging when I got back from the gym, having a somewhat 'fuck-the-world, I-give-up' mentality). Unless I'm pregnant. That's the main concern right now.

Fuck Rob, he's being a fucking asshole. Goddamnit. Why the hell do I still care about him so much when he treats me like shit?

Because that's what I deserve.

day one.

Well, okay. Scales at the gym told me 127 just now. What the fuck. I've been good..I've been working out..:( Not fair. I don't think I'm drinking enough water though..I dunno. I also sweated my ass off at the gym even just on the elliptical...like, more than usual. Hmm. Quite strange. I'm trying to convince myself the gain is just muscle gain and a result of me laying in bed moping for days. We'll see.

Looks like I'm deviating from my ten day plan- already. For two reasons. First, my brother wants to get dinner tonight. He has class 'til seven so we're going right after that. I didn't want to try and switch it to just coffee 'cause I'm sure he'll be starving. I asked where he wanted to go and he said we'd just figure it out tonight, which is now freaking me out because I can't look up low-cal options online. Ughhh.

Second reason, is that tomorrow I plan to FAST. :) Assuming all goes well, it'll be my first legit all-day fast. So I'm very excited. I can't wait to feel..empty:) Also worried, because Miss Burton is fasting along with me..so I definitely can't fail!

Anyway, I'm off to do my 30day shred dvd. Not in the mood, but tough luck! It's in the plan, so I'm doing it!

xo.

seventh.

day one begins..

Had a honey tangerine. 50cal. Well, I haven't even eaten half of it yet. I've sat here for half an hour trying to get all the white stuff off. And now I'm really not hungry so I probably won't even eat it. I'm scared to let myself eat it - scared that once I start eating I just won't stop.

run.

http://intricateintricacies.blogspot.com/2010/04/today.html

off for a run. trying to outrun my problems.

back--
ran two miles. Well, basically sprinted two miles. No warmup, no cool down, so I'm going to seriously regret it in the morning. I ran from my dorm to Rob's frat and back. It's nearly two miles, and I was feeling lazy, so whatever. I could've, and considered, running further, but..I sprinted, instead, and sprinted and sprinted and felt like I was going to throw up. Then tried to make myself go faster. On the way there, I pretended he wanted me back. So I pushed harder and harder and harder on the uphill. On the way back..I pretended one of the brothers who absolutely hates me was chasing me and screaming shit at me like he did that night. And now I'm collapsed on my bed, about to grab my inhaler, still trying to catch my breath.

And considering going back out and doing it again.

I wanna be thin enough to wear this. And look damn good.

sixth.

hello.

10am: 1/3 container of apple jacks -50cal
           ~.3cup milk -30cal

total: 80cal.

today's goal? stay under 600.

new goal: see how long I can fast. so far..six hours. hah. nothing.

five and a half-th.

scales tonight at the gym said 127. you HAVE to be fucking KIDDING me.

i had a lazy weekend but REALLY? no.

this has to be some kind of cruel joke.

liquid fast tomorrow. liquids or fruit. nothing else. well, cereal for breakfast. nothing past that. even cereal's up in the air right now. i'm so fucking pissed.

fifth.

and,  oh, how I wish I had a fifth right now.

For every day that he doesn't want me, I won't eat. Hell, hearing him say that just makes me feel sick anyway. So no motivation to shove food in my mouth anytime soon. I hate this. I wish he'd give me a chance to show him we could be better. Why?

also:: everytime I put something in my mouth, it's being recorded. Yes. I'll just keep updating this post rather than blowing up everyone's dashboards though.

1 mini cadbury's creme egg -50cal (yikes!)
1 cadbury's mini egg -16cal
.2 bottle alo - 12cal
2 gummy vitamins -15cal
1 piece raspberry lemonade gum -0cal.
beef&broccoli stirfry -120cal
rice -50cal
.5 veg wrap -65cal

total: 228cal. blech.

6pm update:
1 grande iced coffee -5cal
naked mango smoothie -120cal (booo)
pasta -200cal
assorted egg/meat/crap -120cal
hardboiled egg white -17cal
2 pieces of blueberry buckle -400cal
softserve ice cream -200cal
BINGEBINGEBINGE.
purged as much as i could..confident i got all the ice cream and blueberry crap up.

total: 690cal. gross. i'm so bloated. i hate this.
no wonder he doesn't wanna be with me.

fourth.

Hello skinnies.

What a fail of a twenty-four hours. I feel horrible right now, and it's Easter, so I have to go home for dinner tonight, and there'll be chocolate.. Yesterday I did nothing. I was tired, or so I told myself..I stayed in bed all day. I tell myself it was just that I wanted to rest, but looking back, I was probably just depressed. I binged at breakfast, planning to then go work out and go to the library, generally be productive, but I got nothing done. Was supposed to go to the library with R..didn't happen. He bailed, basically. Which made me feel like shit. I really wanted to see him. Anyway, I convinced myself to do another Jillian Michael's workout, but couldn't get myself to go running or get to the gym. Still feeling low on energy. Went to subway at like nine last night, of course I got a fucking footlong, and ate the entire thing in five minutes. Along with a bag of chips. Probably 700cal or more. All at once. Then, i wasn't going to go out since I was tired and bloated and full and feeling gross, so I took a shower, but then a couple of my guy friends said they were by my dorm and to go out with them..so, thinking we were going to metal frat, I just threw on some jeans, a tshirt, and my beloved sperry's, and didn't give a thought to what my hair looked like. Of course, we end up going somewhere else - the lax house. So many mullets, so many pairs of sperry's, and SO many girls. All wearing dresses or short skirts, with their hair straightened, having fun. For one, I didn't really know anyone there other than the guys I came with. Second..I looked so out of place and felt like shit because of it. So I ended up leaving before them, and somehow ended up going to dtd. And spent the night there. In his arms.

Then this morning, he drove me back. And apologized. And it sucks. So SO SO much. I don't understand him. I just don't understand how he can say he still likes me and cares about me, and want to hold me close, and even want to fuck me, and then won't give us another chance, when things could be so great. It fucking sucks blows and swallows and I can't deal with it right now. Not fair.

This morning I went down to breakfast...banana bread and blueberry muffin.and some grapes. still. blah. carb-o-licious. And I think mum said she's making vegetarian lasagna tonight. Delicious, yes, full of veggies, yes, but also pasta and cheese. Blah. Must go work out. Want to do the 30day shred again today, but roommate's here and I don't wanna do it in front of her. hahah. Don't care if that makes me pathetic. Anyway. This week I'm seriously cutting back. Fruit fruit fruit. That is what I shall eat. If I go down to the cafeteria? Must get at least one piece of fruit, and I'll have salad. and egg..just eat the white. yes. here we go.

Should probably go to the gym and get this calc done. Blahh. God I miss Rob. :(

think thin. xo

--edit--
dukes of hazzard is on. Jessica Simpson looks so damn good. And Seann William Scott is fine as hell. Yummmm.. (and on that note, i'm off to the gym.)

third.

I'd be perfectly fine with just pretending last night didn't happen. None of it. None. Deal? Okay.

Today's Hash Bash. Considering my chest's already aching, I don't think I'll be taking part. Instead, I shall clean, and go to the library, and work out. Lots. Did I mention eating? Nah. I'll figure that out somehow. Watching Supersize vs. Superskinny again. So jealous of those tiny little twigs. This morning I looked at the pictures from last night..I thought I looked pretty good at the time, but.. blah. My arms are huge.

Today shall be a better day.

first.

Last night I had a dream I met some guy, and told him he was cute. He goes, "well we should go out!" and that was it, he was my boyfriend. I forget the rest, but I ended up going on a mountainous hike with Dumbledore as part of a DTD computer game/rave contest. And ran around my old middle school for a bit. Anyway.

I have no class today, and this paper is due at midnight, so I'm sat outside in the courtyard of my dorm figuring out spring/fall classes and working on it. It's a gorgeous day out already, and it's supposed to be 74F. So so excited. Supposed to be going disc golfing with a friend from high school later on, and then talking to R tonight. Not sure if it's even worth it in a way..I don't think I can change his mind, and I'm not sure I'll be able to say what I really want to say. I don't know, I love him. That's what I know. That, and I've figured my life out, and want to be with him.

Woke up, later than I intended to, but what the hell :) did my first workout with Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I was a bit embarrassed to be honest..it was sort of hard :( but, i feel like it's good for toning muscles, which I definitely need. Plus it was a nice amount of cardio to wake up to, since I didn't really feel like dragging myself to the gym after going 'til midnight last night. Had an apple before Jillian, haven't had anything since. Getting hungry, not sure what I'm going to do about that to be honest. Maybe let myself go to the dining hall in a couple of hours..make a salad? They have ham and turkey in the salad bar at lunch..bit of good old protein. Anywho, I'm off to finish this paper hopefully, as well as sort out what class to take this spring and what to take in the fall.

Stay strong, happy April! It's a new beginning, so let's do this :) xx

full.

I want to feel empty. I want to be empty. I feel so full even though I tried to purge. Not sure how much I got up though, other than hopefully all the toast and peanut butter. Maybe some of the cereal too, I wasn't sure. Dinner around 7:30 was little bit of hummus and rice, and some black bean salad. plus a bit of chickeny pasta, I just picked the chicken out. Then about a bowl and a half of cereal, and said peanut butter on toast. Blah.

Tomorrow, I shall exercise. Inside, outside, at the gym, as much as I can. Will I eat? Probably, yes, but not much. I feel disgusting having so much food inside me.

Watching supersize vs. super skinny on youtube. love it love it love it.

Tomorrow's April1st - new month, fresh start. :)

up.

124 this morning. was scared to weigh myself 'cause i knew i'd gained. had 190cal before i hit the gym this morning, and burned 400cal before class. plus did a ton of abs.
then went to the dining hall and had black beans (50) potato salad (100) bit of rice (50) turkey sandwich (250) andd low fat blueberry muffin (150). 600. so up to basically 800 and it's not even one. okayyy.

ugh.

i binged.

ohhh god, how i binged. half a burger, piece of salmon, bit of potato salad, some cheesy thing, little piece of chicken, slice of key lime cheesecake, 3 strawberries, 4 grapes, two bowls of cereal.

fuck. and so i purged. first successful purge. god it hurts. couldn't get much past the cereal/cheesecake up. i'm such a fucking failure.

tuuesday.

already at 550. fail.
ah well. off to the gym.
so far had apple, 1/4 rice cake, 2 peanutbutter m&ms, fiber one bar, bit of soup, bit of potato salad, and a fucking cookie.

skinny girls don't eat cookies..

off to the gym.

edit:
back, did some abs, biked (50cal?) and elliptical (250cal). would've done waaay more but my legs still hurt from my tumble down the stairs.

being dragged to the dining hall. i shall have an orange.
byee.

fear.

right now i'm afraid to plan. afraid to tell myself how much i will eat. because i'm afraid i'll just fail.
i have class straight from 11-15 so i usually eat after or take a granola bar with me. which do i do? i don't know. neither? but then i'll binge at dinner..unless i skip dinner too? don't be silly, you've been binging so much lately you know you can't fast today. it just won't work.
okay. right now? i'll have an apple.

take a fiber one bar for later. that's 140cal but should fill me up.

if i'm starving when i come back, applesauce or fruit.

then, i must go workout. my splint may not let me lift, but i can still do cardio no excuses.

dinner. hmm. probably going to be invited by the usual crew. i could make a turkey sandwich. fair amount of turkey, one slice of cheese, lettuce and tomato, bit of mustard, and shove it in the panini maker. i never eat the crusts, so call it 120 from the bread, maybe 300 total? then if i insist of dessert or a snack.. i'll force myself to go to amer's to get froyo. that way i have to pay, and i have to leave the building, so i'll have to really want it. and no reese's or chocolate on that froyo, either. original tart with some berries. the end.

please please let me have enough strength and willpower to do this. i think i can. i hope i can. let's try.

gross.

i am such a failure. i can't even go a day without sabotaging myself.

i fucking hate this. i deserve to be miserable. i deserve to be fat and ugly. i deserve to be alone.

god i miss him.

day one.

orange. 45cal.
whitefish. 60cal.
chicken. 100cal.
broccoli. 45cal.
toast/peanut butter. 150cal.
.5 banana. 40cal.

total: 440cal. progress.

3579 is not going to work until i get my intake down more. add to today, bowl of cereal. 200cal.

640cal.

three hundred.

is what i'm allowed for the day. so far had half a small orange. probably going to eat the rest of it before i leave for class..so 45cal. will make green tea when i return around twelve, to put off hunger until maybe an apple after the rest of class/i go get my hand looked at. which doesn't look too bad now, but i need a goddamn doctor's note for work.

off to get dressed. hopefully work out tonight. need to get back into that. too lazy.

??

2468 or abc?

i cannot decide.

--
edit. yes i can. 2468 let's go. but modified, for the first cycle, to 3579. yes, i'm weak. sorry.

sunday morning, rain is falling.

i always feel thin sunday mornings. not sure. although right now i just feel sick.

think i may have broken my thumb. that sounds silly. but it's the part where it's really just hand. but it still is part of the thumb. sort of. that sounds..stupid. whatever. it hurts. although i can type..? wrapped it up to immobilize it and i can move the other fingers so it doesnt really hurt too much. got the day off work (i carry trays on my left hand, didn't see how it would work) but i need a doctors note now. and uhs (university health services, free) is closed sunday of course. and dont really feel like explaining to mum and dad. so i suppose i shall wait until tomorrow. oh, and as for how, i fell down this spiral staircase last night and i'm assuming that would be the cause. oh my it hurts.

more i think about it, the less i think it's actually broken. cute boy i met at breakfast said i probably sprained the ligaments. fair guess.

just realized i basically use this blog instead of my personal one, rather than in addition to. if you're curious about my life outside of trying to be thin, head over to bipolarintricacies.blogspot.com and check it out. they're under seperate blogger accounts so that my friends don't see this. though no one really reads that one either. so no worries. i suppose.

shopping yesterday was fun, got a dress and a skirt and some tops...yes, it made me depressed that i need mediums not smalls in abercrombie these days. but it's motivation. and yes, i was horribly bloated and felt and looked like a fat cow, but it's also motivation. yes, i ate lunch. but just a salad. i figured walking all the way around the mall burned a fair number of calories. then came back adn went to potbelly's. looked it up online, figured id let myself have my beloved mushroom melt for 380cal. but then i had sunchips, too. 200cal. why? not a clue. and i was still starving after. i felt so empty. ended up going for froyo later. apparently the ex's best friend works there. pretty sure she recognized me. awk.
anywho, so i of course had no self control and piled chocolate chips and reeses on my delicious yogurt. and some strawberries and pineapple. but still. blech. no self control. then tried and failed to get any work done. had a bad charlie horse all day so couldnt work out. watched the hockey game. was upset i wasnt there. ex was. may be going tonight with him. not sure. prob bad idea.

so then i ended up going out. didnt intend to drink much. drank so much. blah. fuck me. went to pancheros. got a chicken quesadilla. i remember that much. so drunk.

this morning had toast and eggs. bit of hash browns. bit of cheese. bit of turkey. and two chocolate chip cookies. that's disgusting.

going back to bed then to the library.

ps- i have followers? :)

sickening.

last night i was upset. so what did i do? i ran away to food. did i go to panchero's, get a chicken quesadilla, and eat half? no. i went to btb, got a fucking DELUXE shredded chicken, and ate nearly the whole thing. so many calories. that and the beer alone is more than my daily intake should be.
plus half a slice of pizza at work.
plus four cookies after lunch.
plus my bingetastic lunch of mac and cheese and a bit of a turkey sandwich.

it amazes me how i manage to do this to myself. i'm not a bitch and i'm not cocky, but i know that i'm pretty. and i should have more love and respect for my body than to poison it so.

mum's taking me shopping today. yay. not excited anymore since i'm so disgustingly bloated. i hate this. i miss him.

oh, and i had some rather random dreams last night. all very vivid though. in one of them i had a massive black eye (i was rather upset it's not actually there, it looked fucking badass), and in another, i looked in the mirror and saw my body morph to be even fatter. disgusting. my arms freaked me out the most, as it wasn't a full length mirror. they looked like this:

blech. that scared me. alot. would go work out, but must go shower before mum picks me up.

here's to a better day.

hi im drunk. just inhaled a btb shredded chicken deluxe burrito. blech.


i am a disgusting fat cow.

comfort food.

so hungover. i feel terrible. why oh why am i so stupid? whyy would i stay there?

too lazy to go workout.

went to the caf. binged on mac and cheese. made a sandwich, didnt really eat it. grabbed a cookie. went back down an hour later just to get cookies. four of them, to be exact.

i feel so so sick.

gorgeous.

i have no self control.

i'm so fucking disgusted with myself.
nachos and sweet-and-sour chicken.
then, tiiniest piece of cake. with a little bit of ice cream. not to bad, right?
til i add on the toast with peanut butter and honey. i am disgusting.

i fucking deserve to be fat. the scale saying 122.5 this morning was a joke.


**edit
look to the future. replace "if only i hadn't.." with "next time.."

lazyday.

it's rainy and miserable. didn't get out of bed 'til 11 or so. watched some jamie oliver. love him.
had a aussie(?) down under yogurt...creamy and low fat and delish with pink grapefruit in it. 140cal. so not great. but fuck it.
went to the gym before class, did some weights and abs, and 200cal on elliptical. got there late so couldnt do much more.
tummy's bloated so i'm pissed. going to a party at the ex's frat tonight so i need to look damn fucking good.
on the bright side, scale at the gym said 122.5. i'm craving those teens.
just went to the caf cause iw as starving..ended up binging a little. guessing 160cal fromcookies, 80cal potato pancake, 40cal coleslaw/carrots.

call it 450 so far, cause i usually tend to underestimate. blah. planning on drinking a fair amount tonight, so best stay away from food.

off to the shops with mum, need new black pants for work.

think thin x

binge binge binge

winge winge winge.

worked out. 400cal plus some abs. pitiful, really.

ate noodles&co for lunch. it was delicious, at least. lots of chicken = protein. then two beef tacos for dinner. and softserve cause i was so anxious about my exam. and just now, a bagel and cream cheese. and a pretzel rod. blah. make me stop. not going to add all those up.

weighed myself at the gym. 123. should've lost more than that.

fuck.

massive disgusting cookie binge. can i really  not even go a measly 5 hours awake without stuffing my face? no more food for me today.

edit:: of course, then i went to no thai with my roommate. then got ice cream. wow. i'm pathetic.

rainy day.

off to the gym. aka off to also weigh myself for the first time in a week and a half. i'm terrified. hah.
took some pictures this morning. figure no one really reads this anyone so no reason not to post. don't judge my dorky undies, they're comfy to sleep in :)

blech.

gross.

i can do better.

baha.

don't care that they're all photoshopped, this certainly killed my appetite.

http://www.freakingnews.com/Fat-People-Pictures--328-0.asp

saturday.

last night had couple shots and some beer. didn't eat between lunch and around 3.30 when we got jimmy johns. had a turkey tom. ate maybe a third of it. so around 150cal. not too bad.
slept most of today since i went to bed around 7:30 (roommate was very confused when i returned. hah.) but had to get lunch with a friend from high school. she was picking me up so i said it was up to her where we went, and she said she wanted to go somewhere healthy so we end up at panera. panera is not healthy. i shouldve just had my asian sesame chicken salad. or else that and black bean soup. but i didn't. i had half the salad and half the frontega chicken panini. which was yummy. but still. not worth the calories. i feel sick. calculated it online..i didn't eat the wontons in the salad or lots of the bread on the sandwich. the salad was 130. not bad at all. the panini? a whopping 430. it was not tasty enough for that. but i left alot of the bread so im thinking 330. plus 130 is 460. thenn earlier had two jaffa cakes (my last two :( ) which would be another 80cal. plus some clusters w. peanut butter. 100cal. so 640cal for today. and it's not even six thirty. ick. bad news bears. no more food. just alcohol for me. should go work out too. i feel so fatty.

friday.

11am: 2 gummy vitamins - 15cal.

fuck food.

had to get lunch with zach. guacamole & rice & 1 small beef taco. it was delicious therefore worth it. then a grande ice coffee from starbucks.

so guessing..500cal? too lazy to look it up now and i have to run off to work.

work = five hours on my feet. am i going to eat? pshh. no way :)

thursday night.

they talked me out of it. don't want to talk about the rest.
started smoking. meh.
didn't drink tonight. probably good.
miss him lots.

didnt eat too much. mum took me to panera. nearly 800cals. guessing lunch was around 250. plus 100cal chips just now. so what, 1150? could've been worse. didn't know my latte and pastry would be so much. i know right? pastry. but it made my mother happy. and she deserves to be happy.

i just wish i could be happy.

thursday.

i'm leaving. don't know exactly where i'm going. may just show up at the greyhound station tomorrow morning and hop on a bus to nowhere. i just need to get out of here. doubt i'm taking my laptop so don't know when i'll next post.
bye.

tuesday.

today i lacked the motivation to go work out. i haven't been to the gym since thursday- haven't had a proper workout since wednesday. must go tomorrow.

been barely eating. thinking about food makes me nauseous. it's not even that i don't want to eat. i just can't. probably first time i've ever had to force myself to eat.

this is so hard.

over.

he said it. it's over. he doesn't want to be with me.

this sucks.

i haven't slept since friday night. six hours friday  night. two saturday night. maybe five last night. i feel sick. all the time. i haven't been eating because i haven't been hungry. my roommate made me get ice cream with her last night. that helped. she got me cookies and a sandwich earlier. i ate them. went down to the dining hall with friends just now. had tiny bit of cereal and pineapple with rice milk. bit of chocolate cake. wasn't very good. i feel disgustingly full. i feel so sick. i don't know what to do, how to cope.

no.

no. he can't do this.

i can't do this.


i don't care anymore. about anything. i can't do this.

4.46

my intake's been out of control. didn't work out yesterday. wasn't going to eat today, what with the breakup and whatnot, but hangover made me resort to food. two slices of cold pizza and a brownie. blah.

tired. feel shitty. don't care anymore.

11.

half fage yogurt -50cal
banana -100cal
blueberries -15cal
graham cracker -75cal
vitamins -10cal

total: 250cal.

busy day.

breakfast: oatmeal w. skim milk. 200cal. yum
                blueberries. 5cal
                jaffa cake. 46cal.

total: 250cal.

onward.

let's pretend this weekend didn't happen. although, hard to considering the MASSIVE BRUISES on my knees. fuck. ah well.

b: -.5 fage greek yogurt (100cal) <--i bought the full fat one accidentally? wtff. gross. ate way less than half, but to be sure.
    -5 blueberries (10cal? found different info)

total so far: 110cal.

in other news..back on prozac. really low dose though. hoping it won't make me gain again. ah well. off to class, shit-ton of orgo studying and calc to do. fuckk.

12:15
l: three small pieces of celery -6cal
   three slices of carrot -10cal
   3.5 kashi triscuit-type things -60cal
   1 string cheese -50cal
lunch: 126cal.
total: 236cal.

3:45
l2: 3.5 kashi triscuit -60cal
     luna bar -180cal (found it in my bag and i was starving..)
l2: 240cal

total: 476cal

going swimming.


okay, didn't swim as much as i should've, but it felt good. then elliptical for ten min - 125cal. not much but whatever. same amount as lunch. thennn dinner hit.

had some baby spinach leaves, bit of tuna, two baby carrots. then a bit of refried beans and cheese and salsa. no rice even. guessing all that was 250cal or so. then had the cheesecake. 400cal. orzo and cheesy cauliflower. 200cal. some of that gross coconut cream pie. 100cal. making..950cal. in one meal.

that is absolutely disgusting. puts me at a net intake of 1426. fuck me. tried to purge but only got coconut cream shit up. god i hate myself. tomorrow's one year since my suicide attempt. fabulous.

plan.

tomorrow i have work. giving me some sort of structure. let's plan this shit out.

wake up. 9ish? before ten. eat..some sort of fruit. maybe yogurt, if i'm hungry [but you shouldn't be, you fat pig..] then go straight to the gym and burn at least 600cals. come back here, shower etc, then see bf or m, depending, come back and study, nibble something before work. hopefully  move my shit back to my dorm. actually, i can do some of that in the morning. there we go. thenn work til ten. no food at work. then drinks at bf's frat. beer has enough cals that i don't need food.

yes.

blizzard.

a small reese's blizzard from dairy queen is 530cals. did you know that? i didn't. utnil i ate the whole thing. then looked it up later.

today started off so well. good workout, not much food, saw the bf...though he was acting weird, walked my dog with him,then ate a super small bowl of granola/cheerios with some blueberries, then just chilled for a bit. then, mum gets home and announces that dairy queen opened today. so of course bf wants to go. and i can't say no because he doesn't think i'm eating and mum's suspicious. so i go. and it was delish. told myself i didn't have to finish it..but i did.

dinner was a spinach/black bean/mushroom/bell pepper enchilada thing that mum makes every so often. i know the white flour tortilla isn't all that good for you so i left probably a third of it. but ate some of it for carbs. unneccessary but it was good. had a tiny bit of reduced fat sour cream and some salsa and cucumber with it. yum. and a mug of green tea.

then, decided i wanted to bake cookies. so i did. and nibbled on chocolate chips the whole time, of course, then ate one of the cookies, which turned out MASSIVE. even the second batch which i tried to make smaller, still turned out huge.

i feel like my legs and stomach have turned to pure fat. sticky and jiggly and horrible. because of that blizzard. i don't want to even look at the fat content of that thing. honestly thinking about it makes me feel sick. guess i'll just chug water for a bit then go to bed. then wake up and aim for 600+ at the gym tomorrow.

i was feeling good about myself before that FUCKING blizzard. so disgusting. i hate myself for it now. loathe myself, every essence of my weak-minded, fat-bodied self. OH, and i watched celebrity fit club earlier. one girl on it weighs LESS than me. what the FUCK.

04.

woke up later than i intended, but had a couple of pomegranate seeds and some water as breakfast. meant to eat a small apple but forgot to grab it as i ran out the door.
had that apple when i got back from 60min of cardio at the gym. soo..
55cal apple
50cal seeds
35cal bite of cookie

total:: 140 in, 650 out :)

does anyone else have one of those nike+ things? where it goes in your shoe and hooks up to your ipod..? because i use that even when i run on the treadmill, but it always seems to say i'm working harder than the treadmill says (if that makes sense.) anyone..?

aqua.

i want a barbie. i never played with barbie or any kind of dolls when i was little. and now i want one-- to remind me of how thin i should be, and of how fat i am.

today was another failure. i need to stop this. i didn't get out of bed 'til one since i didn't go to bed 'til 5am. then had my gummy vitamins, a fage greek yogurt with blueberries, and one of those goddamn blondie things i made. which i decided i really don't like all that much.
[i wanna try making them again, with half the flour and maybe throw in some cinnamon. goddamn, now i'm craving cinnamon. in the morning, in the morning. maybe if i get up and have a good workout i'll treat myself to a skinny latte. nah, i won't. but i'll have some coffee with cinnamon.]
anyway, also had a cup of that yogi green tea that *supposedly* suppresses appetite. not sure if it did shit, but there we go. then...what else? i sat around, caught up on last night's LOST, then found something else to watch. half-heartedly did some orgo studying. thenn, had a teeny tiny slice of hawaiian pizza that i made last night. it was delicious, so whatever. i fucking love pineapple. so so much. and it was like, a fifth of a 7" pizza. so pretty small. and it had ham and pineapple. both relatively healthy. minimal preservatives. thenn, i had a tiny sliver of mushroom pizza, also that i made, also from last night. still not good though. and a cracker. then for dinner i made an omelette. supposedly egg whites, but one yolk broke and i was too lazy to fish it all out. thenn put some spinach mushrooms tomatoes and a bit of cheese in it. it was deliciousss also. i figure veg and protein..okay-ish. thenn had a piece of bread though :( bah.

thinking about it..that wasn't too much. before dinner i did a halfassed 5min biking and 5min elliptical. haha. boosted my metabolism a tiny bit, at least. thenn when i got back from finally seeing the bf, i had two spoonfuls of ice cream and a bowl of mixed granola and cheerios with some blueberries. well, and a nibble of one of those cakey icky blondies i made. i'm actually pissed as fuck that they turned out so shitty. go look at how good they look here.

anywho. too lazy to add up calories. plus i feel guilty for not working out. oh, last night at work had some milky coffee drink thing. and half a slice of pepperoni pizza. i picked out most of the pepperoni though. bah.

tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow i will work out and burn a minimum of 500 calories. ABSOLUTE MINIMUM.

..

not eating makes me feel like shit. i've never had so much anger and frustration and just...hate. built up inside me. and i don't know how to deal with it. i'm hungry. but i'm scared to eat. once i start i can't stop.


help me.

crash and burn.

worst part about being home? mum keeps making my favorite foods, which i CANNOT say no to. :(

though i suppose i didn't eat too much. guessing the homemade pizza was around 400cal. maybe 500. plus some salad, with balsamic vinegar. plus three crackers. 75cal. then a banana chocolate chip blondie. 175cal. plus the choc chips i nibbled on while baking them. goddamn.

work...half a piece of leftover pizza..150cal. half slice of chipati bread..50cal.

so let's see. 950cal. plus the 325 from earlier in the day... oh plus an apple. 50cal. equals...
1325.

blech. ran two miles and ellipticalled a bit. was too achey to do too much though. burned 450cal at the gym. guess that makes today an overall 875. which is double what it should be. more than double.

but, tonight was my last tuesday 10-4am shift. thank god.

sleeping in tomorrow, then having yogurt for breakfast. drinking tea throughout the day - that yogi blueberry green tea stuff. and FRUIT. one blondie tomorrow night as a treat if i've done well. and 1hour goal for cardio. maybe do some light weights to tone.

fucking fatass, time to shape up.

tuesday.

goal for today is just to do better than yesterday work 10pm-4am so that'll be lots of moving about, burning calories. and if i really get hungry, i can get celery and carrots. no breadsticks.
50cal breakfast; 1/4 pink grapefruit ~ 25cal
                         gummy vitamins ~ 25cal
205cal lunch; ritz crackers ~ 80cal
                     tuna salad ~ 45cal
                     celery ~ 5cal
                     red grapes ~ 25cal
                     dark chocolate mingle ~ 50cal
70cal pre-workout snack; .5 strawberry fiber one bar ~ 70cal

total; 325cal.

hmmph.

still haven't pooped. don't care whether or not you care, I GODDAMN CARE.

anywho.
B: light vanilla yogurt, granola, oats, banana ~ 210cal
--400cal elliptical/150cal treadmill = 550cals burned
**doc appt, he said i'm at a healthy weight, that i should be between 120 and 126. pshh. f that.
L: ACV water (did it help? don't know. i felt full..?)
    moe's...naked triple lindy junior ~ 164cal
      ..but, i ate some chips. ~ 100cal.
         total...264cal
snack/grazing: red grapes (30cal), 2 crackers (15cal each)
D: cod cooked in skim milk with chive cream cheese (200), mushrooms, broccoli(50), and tomatoes. with a small piece of multigrain toast, with a little olivio spread (70).
unnecessary binge: bowl of granola with skim milk and blueberries ~ 200cal
                                 one chocolate ~ 50cal
                                 mixed dried fruit/chocolate chips ~ 75cal
                                 cracker with cheese ~ 75cal

so let's see. time to add. 474 60 320 400  = 1254. wowowow. fail, since i wanted to be near 700. goddamn. and i can't even blame moes, i had a fucking 400cal binge. damnitt.

but, i burned 550. so 1254-550=704. hmm. success? no.

not good enough.

quick.

just got back from the gym. need a quick shower then doc appt. bathroom scales say 124, don't think that's right. see what it says at the doctors.

210cal breakfast...banana, low fat yogurt, and a bit of dry oatmeal.


--
alright, official weight....126lbs. exactly 9stone. not thrilled about it, but i can definitely get down to 124 by march 9th. that's eight days from now.
not gonna lie, i suck at restricting. right now i'm watching real housewives and looking at thinspo and my tummy's still grumbling. need to get out of the house. which hmm, i need to get going soon hah. bank then visiting my old high school. burned 550cal at the gym, which felt good. just don't want to ruin it. going to go early tomorrow morning too, get my metabolism up first thing.

apparently i need 2100cal/day, according to this calc thing online. another said around 1800. let's assume i need 1900 (somewhat of a middle point) to maintain my current weight. 3500cal to every pound of fat. i want to lose two pounds in basically a week. so i should aim for an overall restriction of 1000cal everyday. that can come from either exercise or diet. so right now let's say i'm at -340cal right now. but then again my intake has just been 210. soo, if i restrict by 1000, that means my overall intake today can be 900, give or take. and if i go over a little, it's okay, because of that workout earlier. right? not sure i'm making sense. off to mix some acv water to drink before i get dragged to moe's. already figured out what i'm having.
i used to get:  a tofu homewrecker over 1000cal (i forget the exact.)
-tofu
-pinto beans
-rice
-cheese
-sour cream
-guacamole
-lettuce
-tomatoes
-and chips.
today i shall have a junior triple lindy- around 330cal, unless i do it naked.
-tofu, pinto beans, rice, lettuce, tomatoes, and guacamole. i could lower it by like 75cal if i got rid of the guac but..avocados have healthy fats in them. and then later i can think about how i already had a fatty banana and fatty guac so i don't need chocolate. deal? deal. i'm excited.

also, i can tell mum i ate a TON and be excused from eating too much at dinner !

i'm off. think thin!

now.

following this for at least the next week. i can do it, i know. since i'm around mum,  however, i'll give myself an extra 200cal allowance for each day. but try to stay closer to those amounts. basically..i need to not eat unless i'm being seen eating. ie, at dinner. i can do this. my problem is that i love to snack..need to cure that. there's lots of blueberries in the fridge..need to stick to fruit rather than carbs when i'm weak-minded.

resisted chocolate earlier for SO. LONG. like an hour and a half, even though it was right next to me and rest of the family kept eating it. then..i gave in. okay, i thought, i'll just have one. a dark chocolate one. which turned into two. then three, four, five..six? i don't even remember. then a small piece of multigrain toast, and now my tummy looks disgusting but still feels hungry.

havent pooped in like two days. well..maybe day and a half. getting on for two days. not liking this one bit. currently drinking sea salt in water. warm water, 'cause it's coarse sea salt and i wasn't sure it'd dissolve. no results yet.

also going to start the apple cider vinegar thing. opened one of the cupboards downstairs and saw that there was a bottle of acv AND some sea salt ! will try them both out, then buy some for me to take back to college with me if results are favorable.

better.

home = food everywhere. i dunno. getting better though.

b: 11:30: small amount of oatmeal with skim milk, blueberries
l: 1:30: tuna with lemon juice, olive oil, and black pepper, in a yellow pepper, with carrots, zucchini, mushroom, and a tiny bit of mozzarella, some lettuce, a bit of hummus, and a small piece of bread (yes, i realize now/as i began to eat that it was alot. but mum was there..).
l2: around 4: other half of l, didn't finish pepper.
d: mum made me eat all of it. it = chicken breast, with cream cheese inside (i begged her for no bacon wrapped around it), one small chunk of roast potato, three small baked sweet potato..chunks, for lack of a better word, some carrots, and a ton of broccoli.

now, i love broccoli. and i resisted the temptation of a nice small piece of multigrain bread with just a tiiiiny bit of butter....but my tummy is so so so full right now. i did a mad quick 15min 200cal elliptical sesh in the basement literally two minutes before we ate. so that's prob why i feel so full. nothing else but water for me tonight. need to buy more green tea tomorrow. and maybe apple cider vinegar, i hear? hmm. we shall see. this week will be easier now, 'cause parents AND brother will be at work :) going to moe's tomorrow with I for lunch, gotta look on their website and see how i can minimize the damage. i'll be able to get out of too much dinner by telling mum i ate a ton though. got to drive her to work so i can have the car, so hoping for an intense 60min workout between that and my doc appt afterwards. hoping the scales there will reflect what the ones at the ccrb and at home have been saying. very worried though. haven't been weighing myself as often. and i'm so not about to right now, when i'm full to bursting.

failure times two.

okay, worked out this morning, but still. i feel so disgusting still. i ate all day. potbelly's was good, but all that chocolate tonight? unnecessary. going back for more lasagna?? unnecessary. ICE CREAM?! what the fuck am i thinking? i'm fucking up all that i've worked for and i hate it. i can't stand this shit.

starting tomorrow, no more of this shit. i can have one chocolate, maybe two ( goddamn this english chocolate everywhere). yogurt or oatmeal and FRUIT for breakfast. veggies for lunch. then whatever mum makes for dinner but in moderation. limit carbs. limit sugar. carbs must be whole grain. yes.

god i hate myself. must work out tomorrow morning before work. thank god for the elliptical in the basement.

so fucking sick of being home already. and i miss bf.

failure.

yesterday...was a massive failure. didn't work out, though i did go to work, and i ate everything in site, then drank, then ate more. don't want to add it up. i'm sure it's over 2000. feel so sick right now. must work out. must not eat. must punish weak body.

title:

just under 1400cal for today. only did 420 on the elliptical, then a bit of weights and some abs. blah. feel like it was good for me to have another resting day. and a good eating day. ate pretty healthily at least, except the cookies. they were oatmeal raisin at least..

dunno if i'll drink tonight. already feel sick from eating. blah.

new name.

new name. pursuit of perfection.

new URL, too, sorry.

today = fail. had just my oatmeal, then since this paper is driving me crazy and i needed a change of scenery, i migrated to the dining hall. mac & cheese = fail. over 400cals. blech. then an apple, good, grapes, good, peanut butter...bad, two cookies...worse.

fuck.

more cookies, some cheerios...already over 1000 for today. but been eating slow so can't purge. might go buy laxatives but a bit nervous about that.

fasting tomorrow.

jfkds

getting better at this not-eating-everything-in-sight thing. except for that hershey's on my desk. i don't even like hershey's, there just weren't any m&m's left for me to have just one or two, so i broke into that. gross. and just now i had chocolate frosting and peanut butter by the spoonful. i wasn't even hungry, i'm just thirsty. that's disgusting.
but whatever. breakfast was a luna bar, lunch was greek yogurt (deeeelish), and dinner was salmon, chicken, little bit of rice, broccoli, grapes, boursin, crackers, and chocolate mousse. not too healthy, i know, but i only had a bit of each..i did eat all the chicken though. i love chicken and it was actually quite good. can't wait for some home cooking next week (although i know mum will make sure i eat loads..) esp since mum's gone on a health kick with her healthy cookbooks hah.
got hungry at work last night around 2. had celery sticks and baby carrots. yum. okay, with a little bit of ranch and chipati sauce, but whatever. i worked six hours. and i was walking around doing stuff that whole time. so it's whatever.

still haven't goten this goddamn sixpage paper done. wishing i'd started earlier instead of putting it off until now..it's due tomorrow at midnight but i really don't want to have to deal with it too much tomorrow. gotten everything else done for tomorrow though. getting coffee with S at eleven, then chem discussion, then finish off this paper/edit etc, then french, then DONESKIES. might come back here then hop on over to the gym, eat a tiny bit, maybe hockey game with the bf if he ends up getting me a ticket ( i mean, i'll pay for it, i just don't want to get one and then ask if that's okay. if that makes sense). then maybe some drinksies (i mean..they have a fucking mixer) then some good sex with the bf i'm hoping. it's been far too long and i'm pissed that he ruined my plans for his birthday. but whatever.

something's beeping. loudly. think it's coming from the room next door. goddamn it. what the fuck. that and goddamn band practice downstairs is annoying. going to have to go somewhere else to try to write this paper looks like. what's pissing me off the most is that the beeping is totally off time to the music. that's fucking with me big time.

guess i should get this done, maybe work out, and then crash. i'm exhausted.

today.

127. progress. worked out, 400cal or so.

ate dinner with bf. it was delicious. i figure sweet potato fries aren't too bad. better than reg potatos. and they're delish. then had a panini w chicken cheese and pineapple. figure it's enough protein and carbs are my weakness anyway.

time for work.

give and take.

drank quite a bit this weekend. need to work out lots to get all those nasty toxins and that goddamn acetate out of my body. couldn't yesterday 'cause of work.. nearly fasted all day, save for two chips and a crouton at work, but weakened and got dinner. fish and salad, pretty healthy, and a little bit of pasta, thennn hit the ice cream. then later, grapes! healthy! thenn.. easy mac. and m&ms. but whatever. it's okay. 

already had my oatmeal for today :) yum. going to hopefully not eat 'til after office hours and then head down to yost. 

figured out what i want to say to bf. you forget about me when you're drunk, and it makes me feel like i don't matter, and that i'm not good enough. so that makes me feel like i have to be better to get your attention - which is why i was so desperate to sober up. not that you noticed. and all i want to do is look like one of the alpha phi girls because they're tiny. and maybe if i was prettier and skinnier and just all around better, you wouldn't forget about me. plus then, when you spend all your time just talking to other girls and texting other girls at parties it's like a slap in the face, like, i'm not good enough so you need to talk to them. and it fucking blows.

just so you know.

but, it's his birthday, so i'm not sure if i can.

yikes.

i hate that word. expression. whatever.

but wow, i'm already up to 935. i mean, i supposedly burned like 600cal at the gym. but still. blech. i feel bloaty and fat and gross and i have no clue what to wear tonight :( booo. and i'm hungry, and i want to drink tonight, which means i must eat.. caf's closed so got to eat out, too. blech. thinking jimmy johns, went on the website and figure out a turkey tom unwich isn't too bad a\s long as you get it without cheese or mayo. my friend is gonna think i'm a freak. whatever. then i may take a nap before showering and going out. i actually had a somewhat productive day, got like half my maths assignment done. so yay for that. also lookedup some stuff for my psych paper, yay:)

alright, buhbye.

(:

so, stayed under 1200 yesterday, which i think of as progress. baby steps, i've realized that if i just straight don't let myself eat anything, i only end up bingeing at night. so there we go. went to the gym yesterday, did a couple miles on the elliptical ( only  250cal though) then did a bit of weights and some abs. i'm about to go again,and really want to work on my abs. give me that flat tummy :)
last night was first night of shitshow, the bf was drunkk which was hilarious:) love him. i didn't drink too much, though i'm still feeling it a little so i'm putting off driving anywhere (i have bf's car, he was way too drunk to drive this morning). i had two cups of his pineappley malibu vodka concoction, which wasn't too strong and absolutely delicious, two shots to pregame, then a couple of beers. i thought i did quite well :) so yes i know that adds alot more calories on, and i'm feeling guilty that i'll then drink again tonight, but as long as i work out and get some studying done, i feel like it's a good reward.

oh balls. just remembered the pizza and breadsticks we got. that were delish, but horrible for you. blahh. whatever. i'm not bloated so i don't care. as long as i do well all week i feel like the weekend can be my reward.

anywho, might make some oatmeal then it's off to the gym :)

progress!

mini binge earlier on some banana bread. slept all day, unintentionally, which is good 'cause i didn't eat, but kinda shit 'cause it means i didn't move around or burn many calories. first night of r's shitshow weekend tonight, so got to save calories for the alcohol, but also need to eat close to the time so i don't get sick. 'cause that'll piss him off. plus i want to be drunk and have a good time but not be a mess. i dunno. we'll see.
super excited for it, cause he usually doesn't really drink, but also nervous and i feel like we're gonna get pissed at eachother, or i'm gonna get mad at him at least. bah.

still under 600cal for today, which is progress. off to the gym, if i burn 600cals might reward myself with going tanning. then meeting some friends across campus for dinner, i'll just have a salad. very excited.

love love.

progress.

1550 today, would've been 1000 or under, but had a few beers with the bf. bah. but, worked out and burned 600cals on the elliptical earlier (did i already say that?) andd then had kayak club practice for two hours. so i feel like it's whatever.

i mean i'm still a fucking ugly fat pig, but whatever, right? who cares?      i do...

progress.

making progress. had my oatmeal this morning, then went to a research study at the b-school (which makes me want to go into business.. and then made me wonder what i do want to study..) then went to the gym and ellipticalled 600cals. hell yes. felt good. now i've got aheadache though. damn period. andd came back and just had baby carrots and a small piece of beef jerky (low in fat and high in protein) then went to class, came back, had banana bread and peanut butter (such a weakness. but so good. and pb has protein) then an apple. i feel quite content.
gonna take some advil then off to the rink !

byee

meh

alright, so little under 1800 for today. which honestly, since i'm on my period and i worked 'til 5am, isn't too horrible. burned 560cals at the gym which was a plus. need to do that more often. like everyday. going to my first kayak practice tomorrow- very excited :)

tummy hurts like a bitch..going to bed. got stuff tuh do tomorrow :)

weakk.

alright, enough of this. no more almost daily binging. it's disgusting.
i work from ten 'til 4am. thinking i'll come back, take a 4 hour nap, then off to the gym for a morning work out. that should kickstart my  metabolism a bit. then gonna try to go to 10am chem lecture maybe? or else just come back, shower, then go to all my classes. then come back. get some work done. SHIT. then i have dinner with the family at palio's...time to start looking what i want. but they always want to get bread and appetizers and i KNOW mum will think it's sketch if i don't eat. okay. i'll have my oatmeal in the morning after my work out, then nothing 'til dinner. okay? okay.

great, no nutritional info on the website. only a menu. and it's italian, so it's all carbs and cheese. okay, there's a chicken thing that sounds like it might not be killer. or else there's salmon. okay.

other thing about the dinner that's stressing me out? what to wear. esp considering how disgustingly bloated i am right now, and how little i'm going to get to sleep. ugh. i'm so disgusting. maybe i can work out before and after class. that'd be good.

don't even want to think about all that i ate today.

went down to dinner and thougt to myself how i wasn't even really that hungry.

then i ate everything in sight. fried okra, bananas foster, bread pudding, broccoli, pasta, chicken, tofu, eggplant, bread.

blech. trying to purge. i hate my body. i hate it.

blech.

i feel horrible.
like, sick to my stomach, burning up, dizzy...i can't even think. i can't even motivate myself to read a page nevermind finish/start my calc. what the fuck is thiss.
earlier i know i was just nauseous with anxiety over the whole bf thing. but now? i don't even know.

makethisstop.

it goes on.

chinese new year food in the dining hall.
first off had some more sun chips and then some chocolate frosting. thenn spring rolls, rice, salmon(at least that's healthy), pork dumplings... oh, y'know, then some  pineapple and cracklin' oat bran. and ice cream. and oreo pieces and chocolate chips.

i disgust myself.

but food is my therapy. and baby i need rehab.

dumbest holiday ever.

seriously. it's stupid. you don't need a specific day to tell someone you love them. if you do..tell them anyway. unless, right when you're going to, they tell you what you did the night before. yeah, that you don't remember 'cause you drank so much. fucking fabulous.

so he wants to break up..

so what do i do? eat everything in sight, of course. let's see..
oatmeal, made with 2% milk (gross) 'cause that's what he always has
dining hall breakfast: eggs, bacon, half a bagel, hash browns, carrots, broccoli
sunchips
beef jerky
chocolate frosting
chocolate cupcake

blah. gross. got out of going to work soo haven't had any exercise yet today. maybe why i feel so shit. but i honestly don't even want to move. i feel sickk. so ashamed. want to cut.

won't.



okay. under 800 tomorrow. time to get serious.

doubts.

i feel dumb doubting myself already. okay not dumb-- pathetic. like, i can't even go a day under 1000cal? really? c'mon, i'm sure i've done it before. but i guess i'm stressed...i dunno. cried last night. gotta finda  way to deal with all this.

perfection. that's what i want.

woow.

just ate a whole pizza from za's. which fitday.com is telling me comes in at about 1100 calories. so it's not even 2 and i'm up to 1420. disgusting.
and not about to go work out right now 'cause i'm so full. i wasn't even hungry enough to eat the whole thing. i just..did. i have no self control. i have five hours of work later, that's a plus i guess, and sledding snowyaking with the guys later.
so we'll see.

bah.

dining hall = hell.

seriously. i was doing so well. i weighed myself at the gym this afternoon and it said 128.2. i burned 350cal in 20min on the elliptical, then went down to eat with some friends. i had alittle tabbouleh, some kung pao chicken, i just only ate the inside chickeny bit, not the fried part, some carrots, and then decided i'd have a bowl of cereal. which turned into two. then three. blechh i feel so gross. had a cup of coffee and a mug of tea but neither made me feel any less bloated and disgusting. and they all stayed down there forever so i didnt want to leave to go purge. but i wish i had.
ugh. 1100. i'm such a failure.

success.

three hundred cals so far today.

yessss. did all my laundry, just need to shove it in the dryer in a few on my way to french. got an exam that's looking like it won't actually be easy-peasy. and my par ecrit wasn't exactly, up to par, so to speak. feeling good about things though. after class i'm gonna come back here and make some soup, then get started on my math homework for tues. i'm so not leaving it 'til the night before this time. plus i need to bring my grade up, which i can totally do. also want to try and do some research for my psych paper due two weeks from today. sigh. what else? dunno. feel bloated and don't understand why. is it from my reese's puffs last night? all i've had today is oatmeal with blueberries and raspberries and chocolate milk, green tea, and now a cup of coffee..with milk, hah. milk's probably my latest new favorite food. so if i have soup for lunch, i can hit up the dining hall for dinner, and get me some cinnamon toast crunch. goddamn. how on earth have i not experienced some of these great foods before college? i mean, beef jerky?! yumm.
and high in protein. but high in sodium. bleh, need to kick up my water intake.

goodbyyyee for now. think thin.

some late night alexa chung

 collarbones. damn.

 the only thing i want more than this dress, is to look like that in this dress.

ehh

1063 for the day, according to fitday.com. although could be a bit more, as i'm not sure how many cups of reese's puffs i binged on, so i guessed. meh. damn, i had string cheese earlier. okay so call it 1100. 1150 maybe.  blah. not bad. i'm tryna work my way down, get my body used to not eating mass amounts of food. so we'll see. feel like shit now though. went to the gym earlier for a bit, didn't really try.. did like 10min running, 10min biking, and 10min stairmaster. so like 250cals. better than nothing i guess, plus there was the walking there and back, and walking to all my classes. marginal, but it all counts.
goal for tomorrow is 1000 or below, but if i hit 1100 it's okay.

fivehundred.

500cals so far. half of what i'm allowing for today. i'm telling myself i can have 1000, but if i go over, i can have 1200. but really trying for 1000, 'cause my cough is making working out not look good. correction, recent binge on graham crackers has put me at 682. fuck my life.

not good enough.

this. this is what i want. at a minimum. she's gorgeous. i bet you she doesn't have a try to get people's attention, nevermind her BOYFRIEND'S attention. i bet if she was sick or just wasn't feeling well or was super stressed about absolutely EVERYTHING and just was super overwhelmed and wanted to for once just completely open up and tell him what's going on--- i bet he'd listen. i bet he'd be there in a heartbeat, rather than dropping off some herbal tea, giving her a kiss, then leaving to then go to the fucking hockey game where everyone adores him. well guess what. i fucking adore him. it just doesn't feel like it even counts for anything, which is the shittiest feeling. i mean but none of that's fair. if i was really sick, and not just like sore throat achey chest painful to breathe, he'd be here. ..right? yeah. if i told him i needed him to be, he would. if i told him i wanted to tell him everything, and that i was super overwhelmed..i'm sure he'd listen. granted, he'd tell me not to stress and just to relax and that i'm "doing great, babe" and just call me babe a million times because that always makes everything better..not. but yeah, he would. i'm sure. i think.         i hope.


binged a bit earlier. had plain oatmeal with raspberries and blueberries (and a pinch of splenda) for breakfast along with some tea and lots of water. then like an hour and a half later, i had graham crackers with almond butter and peanut butter. full of carbs sugar and fat. blah. thenn around 2:30 i had some leftover pasta which i mixed with salsa and shoved in the microwave..notsure why i thought that would taste good, it really wasn't as good as i hoped, and so i feel like it was a waste of carbs and calories. and sodium, come to think of it.

roommate made fun of me for not going to class. told her i wasnt feeling well and she told me to just take an advil. she doesn't have any idea. then again, that's not her fault, not like i tell her what's going on either. so i can't really blame her. she cleaned her side of the room so i picked mine up a bit too..need to do laundry but no motivation. i'm dead tired even though all i did today was a little bit of math and watch a ton of greek.

fucking calc exam tomorrow. ssshhiittt. trying to do the review, it's fucking hard as balls. i have to pass this class i have to pass this class. seriously. i have to get at least a C. (MINIMUM.) gahh. same with chem. fuck my life. i'm just not good enough. i'm never motivated enough. all i ever want to do is sleep. i'm so pathetic.

new day.

stomach's growling. i WANT to eat. i love my morning oatmeal. but, my throat is killing. and swallowing is even worse. I can't really miss any of my classes today but i'm so tempted...at least i could then get some more calc studying in... plus it's snowing. seriously? like, alot. yesterday there was blue sky and sun. now it's probs freezing and it's snowing. and going outside in the snow isn't going to help me get any better. then again, is staying in bed? yes, maybe, so long as i can venture out to work out and get more tea.

i feel horrible. going to class would at least mean burning more calories..

ugh. dunno. shower.

gross.

i should just not let myself near the halfass. really. ugh. soup? unnecessary. sushi?! even more unnecessary. bet i gained at least two pounds. disgusted with myself. then chocolate milk? really? c'mon fatty, you weren't even hungry. that's just..beyond words. gross.

so i decided after mojo binge i was probably up to 1350. plus soup, making it 1430, half a poptart, call it 1500, thennn sushi?! wtf. 365CALORIES. EW. so 1865? that's like, four times what i should be at. okay so maybe i can "subtract" the 400 from the gym. so 1465? still. that's like, what my body needs to stay at the same weight. probably to gain weight, actually.

what the fuck. what a fucking fail of a day. and now i'm going to go to bed so all of those calories can turn into fat fat fat.

fuck me.

erghh.

worked out, burned 400cals. but thenn went to mojo and got a stirfry. okay, not bad, semi healthy. rice? not so much. the sauce? noo. then the michigan fruit crisp was delicious, but too many calories. thenn the handful of cereal? ugh. all my hard work for nothing.. :(

in other news, weighed myself pre-workout in tshirt and yoga pants.. 129. :) under thirty is good for me. goal is 127 by sunday. let's go.

gone going, gone

so. worked out every day since thursday. (well, TWICE on thursday. go me :) ) and didn't drink as much this weekend. didn't eat as much either, which is also fabuloso.

this morning had some green tea and apple cinnamon oatmeal with skim milk. not sure about this apple cinnamon business, it's really sweet. but the regular oatmeal was kinda bland...hm, maybe half-and-half? anyway. that puts me at like 200 calories for today, plus the end of a fiber one bar i found in my bag during psych (it was also apple and cinnamon. delish, need to buy a box or two. would it be freakish if i then cut them up into little mini bite size pieces?) and half a box of raisins at the beginning of french. i can feel a sore throat coming on and drinking water isn't helping..though i need to remind myself to drink more good ol' h20. thenn, just got back from my 4 hour block of classes and ate a string cheese, they're pretty good ones in terms of nutrition, so that puts me at like 200+40+70+70 which iiiss 380. not too shabby ! looked up what's for dinner here tonight, so as to avoid any full trays of random food. the soups aren't healthy which is upsetting, because my throat is causing a craving for a nice hot soup. bah. beef and broccoli stirfry will do i suppose. as longa s i stay away from the spatzel. which aren't even that good, i just eat them anyway. OH i can have celery :) and for dessert? baked apple sections.

YES. all planned out. then i'll prob be up late studying again..i'll let myself get a coffee (maybe another skinny caramel latte. deeelish) anddd a graham cracker or something? although the ones i have are 140cal per sheet. which isn't so great. hum. i shall work something out. rice cakes ! with..almond butter? it's better than peanut...ehh. maybe not. blueberries! there we go, perfecto.

weak.

too many cookies. too many chicken nuggets. too much too much too much. cereal? unneccesary. all the cookies? also not needed. i'm a fat pig, and it's disgusting. i wonder how my boyfriend can stand me. really. blech.

and my roommate? oh man. good to know i'm the FAT roommate as well as the UGLY one. guess it's no surprise that i'm the one with no friends, too.

didn't eat breakfast, save for a fiber one bar, and didn't eat dinner last night, but definitely compensated at lunch with chicken nuggets and pasta salad and salad and cereal and cookies. so gross. working tonight so no dinner. if i drink tonight, no beer. beer = calories = fat. disgusting.

got to finish this calc so i can pound myself at the gym as punishment for this.

goal for tomorrow: tiny breakfast. mini lunch. itsybitsy dinner.

if my portions are itsy bitsy then i'll be itsy bitsy.

i hate my body.

i'm back.

so. i'm back. back to 130lbs, and back to getting down to 115lbs. fuck yeah.

went to the gym before class and ellipticall-ed and stairmaster-ed. then went swimming tonight. still feel gross though. ate way too much in between. (i'm estimating 1500 so far today, and i haven't had dinner yet-- i'm supposed to get dinner with the bf. after his swim meet. aka he'll be ravenous. blahh.) just ate string cheese, 50cal, so i guess i'm at 1550. disgusting. starting 2468. except easing into it. like, i'll do 800 1000 1200 1400 1600. then repeat. 1600 is negotiable, that's my cheat day. i felt like i'd lost a couple pounds this weekend, then all i did since was lay in bed and eat and now i'm FAT. FAT FAT FAT. fatter than before.

no wonder i have so few friends.