twentynineth/hello again.

So I sort of fell off the face of the Blogger world in the past...week.
Also fell off the whole, having control over myself wagon. But there we go.

I see that I have new followers..?? Which I'm absolutely ecstatic about considering I haven't even been on here in a week. Woah. Hi!! After this post I'm definitely off to read all your blogs. As well as catching up on everyone else's. (Sorry ladies..)

Anyway. Working out in the past week..hasn't happened. I had exams, then I decided I needed to truly celebrate my last weekend of freedom, then I had work..then I had two days of nothing before moving back home. Basically by that point, the laziness had taken over. And I can't go to the gym tomorrow because I have to go to my brother's commencement thing, then see a high school friend, then go to work. Ugh. Then saturday will be filled with more Graduation festivities, then family dinner, then work on Sunday. Ugh. Monday I will go to the gym. Then again, I really have no excuse to not hit the elliptical for half an hour tomorrow morning..we're leaving here at 10.30 so I might as well finish unpacking then get some sleep, at get up early to do that and shower. Hmm. Though I suppose I generally try to count work as somewhat of a workout..blah. We'll see. Depends how much unpacking gets done tonight. I really just need to throw out all the clothes that I don't wear because they don't fit me, but half of them I refuse on the basis that I'm determined to fit into them once again. Soon. But who knows. This weekend isn't going to be a whole lot of fun I've realized. No time for me. It'll all revolve around my brother, who then moves back home on Monday. Mum and Dad refused to pay his rent over the summer, so he's back here to save money. Blah.

Intake in the past week has been all over the place. Had days where I barely ate, then days where I just couldn't stop. Today was going really really well. I had an 80cal little dairy drink thing as breakfast, followed by lettuce with cream cheese wrapped in turkey and cherry tomatoes, then a granola bar. Then dinner with Dave...which ended up being at Noodles and Co. And of course I went for the regular sized pasta fresca with chicken. Which was absolutely delicious, and I left some of the pasta, but I still really should've at leastgone for the small. Should've had the small pad thai with shrimp, but there we go. Shit happens. Then he was still hungry soo we went to Amer's to get froyo. And I got way too much. But put fruit on it. But also reese's and butterscotch chips and chocolate covered raisins. It was so fucking good. And we walked around the block while eating so I figure that helped..but still. I ate far too much. What I hated the most was that I didn't even feel super full. Right now I'm thirsty as hell but I'd have to go down to the kitchen to fill up my Sigg water bottle, since it doesn't fit in the bathroom sink. And that means going into the kitchen. Where there's banana bread and peanut butter and pistachios and honey roasted peanuts and almonds and cashews and chocolate covered cranberries and ICE CREAM and other horrible horrible horribly delicious foods that I'm loving right now. Ugh. I can't do it.

Anywho. Off to unpack some more, and to then read lots of blogs before bed :)
love love.

tattoo.

it inspires me.

twentysecond.

Kay, one more exam 'til I'm done. Pretty sure French went well this morning, so not worried about that.

Feel super shitty, and wouldn't let myself purge. So now I feel worse. Intake:

five cookies - 500cal
peanut butter - 200cal
bagel - 300cal
salad - 150cal
saltines - 30cal
mashed potato/gravy/carrots - 200cal
chicken stirfry - 200cal
bite of turkey wrap - 50cal
1630?

WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE THAT GODDAMN BAGEL.

twentyfirst.

ate too much. slept too little. at least i studied a fair amount.

French exam in 7.5 hours. Should probably get some sleep.

Then Calc 3 on friday. Fuck my life. Ah well.

Fat failure. At least I'm an alliteration.


Sorry for all the negativity. Just not feeling it right now. Sorry. Stay strong, even though I can't. xo.

twentieth.

Today sucked. Fuck. Didn't get anything done I should've. God-fucking-damnit.

Three hours of sleep last night didn't help, either. Intake was way too high, to be honest didn't even count. But I know by 1pm I was already over 600cal. Ate what I suppose would be called a normal dinner, but then purged and purged until I couldn't anymore. Ouch.

Must shower then hit the library. Ughh. Friday at 12.30 I'll be done. Cannot wait.

nineteenth. :)

It's 5:45pm. I haven't eaten anything today, besides a grande iced coffee from starbuck's. With no milk, or anything. So I doubt that really is anything to count. Also hit the gym an hour ago, did a good 4miles/400cal on the elliptical, plus some back/arms and some abs. I'm in a good mood :)
Not really hungry, but agreed to grab dinner with a friend. Figure I might as well eat a tiny bit to give me energy to study my butt off tonight!
Little worried I may have gotten my tattoo infected since I keep touching it..oops :( I think it'll be alright though. Just gotta put neosporin on it. Picture of it soon, I promise:)

stay strong, ladies!
xo

on to the next one.

More of an actual update to come later on, possibly tonight, or else whenever I get hungry, as blogging is my favorite distraction :)
In a really good mood this morning, despite being overwhelmingly stressed about my upcoming exams. I'm off to class in a few minutes, but I just took some pictures and figured I'd put 'em up. Soo, this is me. Today. Hah.

Well, this obviously isn't me. This is the lovely cocktail of pills I'm downing at the moment. Big old multi-vitamin, little blue prozac, white penicillin, and a nice friendly advil. Hah.

My gorgeous skinny part-time-model friend gave me this shirt a while back..I never wear it because it just doesn't look good on me. However..I'm off my period and feeling less bloated, soo I'm wearing it today:)

Profile. This is why I never wear this top, haha.

Lastly..look at that gap:) yes, it's taken from a lower angle, but still. It makes me happy.

Alright, enough of that. Favorite song right now - guilty pleasure by cobra starship.

And now I'm off to class. Haven't eaten yet today. Don't plan to, if I can:) think thin, lovely ladies. xo

eighteenth.

longer post tomorrow.

pic:

(is that a hint of ribs i see in my back? maybe? no?)

seventeenth.

Exams are approaching, and I am stressed.

What do I do when I'm stressed? I eat. No. Not anymore. I will not let myself. Woke up this morning at 8.30 to be at the gym by 9. Did a measly 30min (350cal) on the elliptical, then pushups, crunches, squats, and my beloved gravitron pullup/dip/chinup routine. Not enough though. May go back later. My body just aches... I mean, it deserves a break. Really. But, after seeing 129 on the scale this morning, I really cannot justify giving myself a break. I need to work harder. Harder harder harder. Already had my food for the day. Considering purging..but my throat hurts too much. I don't know. Here, help me out - should I give myself a break for a bit? Taking the following into consideration..

-I have some sort of tonsillitis-y thing, that I'm taking penicillin for 4x/day (damn, need to go take that)
-Also, taking advil just as often as the penicillin for the pain.
-I'm on my period. Enough said.
-I'm stressed as hell about my exams/my grades.
-Oh, and I've developed this habit of staying up for ridiculous reasons until around five or so, then waking up at like, 8, maybe ten at latest. Not feeling it.

Maybe I'm just being a weak-minded little bitch. Entirely possible, to be honest. Ah well. Off to the library I go, probably going out tonight, but no food. Just alcohol. I can justify that, especially if I work out again later. Maybe go for a run or something, we'll see. Plus, the lack of food will greatly reduce the amount of alcohol I will find it necessary to ingest. There we go. Then work tomorrow..maybe just stick it out and no food 'til work? I don't work 'til twelve, so even if I do eat right before, I'll have fasted for 24hours. Though if I stick it out to the end of my shift, that'll be 29. In which case, I might as well keep going, to thirty. Then maybe to forty. Forty hours of fasting would take me to...4am Monday morning. Hopefully I won't be up that early. Maybe if I convince myself to get up at 9 to work out before going to 11am class...I can eat at 12. That'll make 48 hours. The thought is so daunting, particularly given my eating habits as of late, but I can't help but crave the feeling I think I'll get from completing it. Hell, right now I'm aiming for 24 hours. Shit, even 12 hours will make me feel accomplished. YES.

I must go, make some tea, get my calc book from this kid who won't bring it down to central campus for me (goddamnit) andd hit the books. Hard. I'm excited. I want to get alot done. I'll check in on you all in a few hours, when I take a nice little study break.

Models are beautiful. Models are thin. Thin is beautiful. Stay strong, ladies. xo

sixteenth.

I did it. I got my tattoo yesterday. It's a bit different from the picture I posted, because the artist redrew it for me, but I absolutely love it. It's on my left shoulderblade, and I couldn't be happier. I'll post a picture as soon as it's healed. Everyone of course is asking what it means.. so I tell them- it represents freedom, being free from everything, and being able to just fly away. What I don't tell them? That I want to be able to fly, to have hollow bones, to be light as air, and spread my wings and fly away. It's weird, I feel almost like..I'm not alone. It's there almost keeping me company, a part of me, not just a symbol inked on my skin. Also it makes me feel independent, and solidifies the notions I've been ignoring that I am good enough, and I can be who I want to be.

Just not sure how pleased my mother will be. Anyway.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, no breakfast, grilled cheese and tomato soup with cucumber and turkey for lunch (guessing..600cal?) then dinner was a veg fajita and a beef fajita, didn't eat the tortillas, and just added tomatoes and a tiny dab of sour cream. so guessing also around 600cal, at most. Okay, so I weakened and got ice cream..(I burned my mouth the other night so it was soothing..) but not too much, and then walked a mile right afterwards. I felt so sick as soon as I stopped eating, but I had to walk to this concert with my friend L, so I sadly wasn't able to purge. Which is good, I suppose, as my throat hurts plenty thanks to the strep, or tonsillitis, whatever it is. Anyway. Let's thing positively.

J, (don't know if I mentioned him, but he's absolutely gorgeous though a junior..i'm a freshman..he's a poli sci major and does naval rotc) texted me last night asking what I was doing, I said I just had a night in, did a bit of work(white lie on the work part) and he said hopefully he'd see me today. :) yay. I have class 11-12 (so must go workout beforehand) then work 5-10 but maybe after. I have to get an entire calc assignment done in between then. Slightly screwed, should've done it last night. Or should've done it wednesday night, or should've drank less wednesday night and done it  yesterday morning. Oh well. Regrets are no use.

Think I've sorted out my schedule for the fall, the classes I'm taking sound interesting so I'm excited. As I said, I'm off to the gym. It's been far too long. In terms of food today..I'll eat when I get back after class, go to the caf and get YOGURT. Sounds super good right now. Throw in a banana, maybe a couple pieces of peach. Yum. Then..I guess if I'm hungry I'll grab a piece of fruit before work and probably take a granola bar with me just in case..doesn't mean I'll eat it though. Anyway, I'm off!

Have a good day ladies, remember to always see the positives:)
And the greatest positive of all is seeing the negative--as the pounds fall off us:)
think thin! xo

i just love everything about this picture.

fifteenth (fail.)

yesterday. hmmm. let's see.


well it started out with a normal-ish breakfast. then had applesauce for lunch. then dinner? oh me oh my. pierogies and potatoes and salmon and salad and TWO (?!?!!) pieces of chocolate cheesecake. vom. tried ever so hard to purge but then my friend was waiting by my room for me to go to the library...didn't get anywhere near enough up. so we go to the lib, i get nothing done, go to the bonfire, drink two bottles of wine and some beer, smoke a bit, and get very very fucked up. cue bad decisionmaking. thenn, to make it worse, we end up going to get pizza. from where i work. oh god. and breadsticks. so many calories. ugh. gross. i feel so fucking fat. honestly prob gained three pounds yesterday minimum. haven't weighed myself in a week. don't plan to today.


fuck my life. i can't do anything right. i hate this.


must go work out. ugh. 

fourteenth.

Okay, no baby in this belly. Thank you thank you thank you. Never been happier to have such terrible cramps. Also found out I have either strep or tonsillitis. Fabulous, no? So I'm on penicillin for a week. Four of them a day. Plus 600mg of advil basically the same number of times. I really don't like being on pills like this. The only pill I don't mind taking religiously is my birth control I was on antibiotics for over a year for acne in high school and I resented it. Then I was on prozac for the better part of a year, and I hated that too, though for different reasons. Mostly because the doctor never told me one of the side effects was weight gain, so I blame those goddamn pills for most of the pounds I put on last year. Though I know plenty of them in the fall was the freshman fifteen that I refused to believe in, along with forgetting that I wasn't swimming 2.5 hours a day anymore. Anyway, I've gotten sidetracked.

Being sick hopefully will quell my appetite.. My throat hurts so much that I'm going to attempt to stick to soup, etc. Been eating breakfast in the caf past two days..I really do enjoy breakfast. Ate a bit too much, and I binged last night :( but oh well, I did just get my period. So I shall blame that. Can't exercise too much 'cause sickness has got me bogged down and drained of energy, but I think I shall try to get some in later today. Maybe just elliptical or bike rather than running though. Anyway.

Intake.. breakfast this morning was a little bit of eggs, five potato tots, some scrambled tofu, some yogurt with half a banana and a few cheerios, then a chocolate muffin with a bit of peanut butter. yeah..that's alot. whatever. too late night. let's see.. 500cal? may be a bit low but..fuck, I don't know what to call it otherwise. Plus I'm trying to think positive. So now I'm off to have applesauce (50cal) with a tiny bit of cinnamon (boost metabolism, supposedly) before two hours of class. Then I'm done for the day! So then maybe go and work out, shower, then study for a few hours. Sounds good to me.

I know I've said this a million times, but this really is a new beginning. I'm determined this time. I've realized making a strict detailed plan doesn't work for me, and I've realized I can't just go from over 1000cal to fasting for a day. I just can't. What I can do is persevere, take baby steps, and believe in myself. The last part will undoubtedly be the hardest. But I can do this.

Someday I shall be light as a bird. Here's the tattoo I plan on getting:

fourteen.

my period has not come.

it always comes on wednesdays.


fuck.

day..four? blah.

Hi new followers! :) I"ll be sure to check out your blogs..Okay not gonna lie I really don't comment often. But I def read them anyway:)

Been doing a shitty job of keeping to this plan of mine, mostly due to many unforseen events, such as drinking half a fifth and waking up across town. Anyway. Pigged out this morning at breakfast, had ravioli and half a donut and two cookies and a mug of milk and some eggs. blah. oh and little bit of oatmeal. SO, I don't plan on eating for the rest of today. Feeling a bit sick. Planning on going to the library to get some stuff done, taking a break and going to the gym, showering, then finishing up homework. I don't wanna leave it all 'til tomorrow night, you see. And I figure I should be productive.

Off to do this. I shall take a honey tangerine (50cal) to the library with me and a bottle of water. Nothing else. Nothing but liquids and fruit for me today.

la la la.

goodbye.

day two, supposedly.

So I failed miserably at fasting. Fasted from 9pm last night til 1pm today. that's all. that's also not including the vodka and gatorade I had last night.

Also, scale said tonight that I'm a whopping 127.8. what. the. fuck. I've worked out everyday. It's not like I've been massively overeating (aside from binging when I got back from the gym, having a somewhat 'fuck-the-world, I-give-up' mentality). Unless I'm pregnant. That's the main concern right now.

Fuck Rob, he's being a fucking asshole. Goddamnit. Why the hell do I still care about him so much when he treats me like shit?

Because that's what I deserve.

day one.

Well, okay. Scales at the gym told me 127 just now. What the fuck. I've been good..I've been working out..:( Not fair. I don't think I'm drinking enough water though..I dunno. I also sweated my ass off at the gym even just on the elliptical...like, more than usual. Hmm. Quite strange. I'm trying to convince myself the gain is just muscle gain and a result of me laying in bed moping for days. We'll see.

Looks like I'm deviating from my ten day plan- already. For two reasons. First, my brother wants to get dinner tonight. He has class 'til seven so we're going right after that. I didn't want to try and switch it to just coffee 'cause I'm sure he'll be starving. I asked where he wanted to go and he said we'd just figure it out tonight, which is now freaking me out because I can't look up low-cal options online. Ughhh.

Second reason, is that tomorrow I plan to FAST. :) Assuming all goes well, it'll be my first legit all-day fast. So I'm very excited. I can't wait to feel..empty:) Also worried, because Miss Burton is fasting along with me..so I definitely can't fail!

Anyway, I'm off to do my 30day shred dvd. Not in the mood, but tough luck! It's in the plan, so I'm doing it!

xo.

seventh.

day one begins..

Had a honey tangerine. 50cal. Well, I haven't even eaten half of it yet. I've sat here for half an hour trying to get all the white stuff off. And now I'm really not hungry so I probably won't even eat it. I'm scared to let myself eat it - scared that once I start eating I just won't stop.

run.

http://intricateintricacies.blogspot.com/2010/04/today.html

off for a run. trying to outrun my problems.

back--
ran two miles. Well, basically sprinted two miles. No warmup, no cool down, so I'm going to seriously regret it in the morning. I ran from my dorm to Rob's frat and back. It's nearly two miles, and I was feeling lazy, so whatever. I could've, and considered, running further, but..I sprinted, instead, and sprinted and sprinted and felt like I was going to throw up. Then tried to make myself go faster. On the way there, I pretended he wanted me back. So I pushed harder and harder and harder on the uphill. On the way back..I pretended one of the brothers who absolutely hates me was chasing me and screaming shit at me like he did that night. And now I'm collapsed on my bed, about to grab my inhaler, still trying to catch my breath.

And considering going back out and doing it again.

I wanna be thin enough to wear this. And look damn good.

sixth.

hello.

10am: 1/3 container of apple jacks -50cal
           ~.3cup milk -30cal

total: 80cal.

today's goal? stay under 600.

new goal: see how long I can fast. so far..six hours. hah. nothing.

five and a half-th.

scales tonight at the gym said 127. you HAVE to be fucking KIDDING me.

i had a lazy weekend but REALLY? no.

this has to be some kind of cruel joke.

liquid fast tomorrow. liquids or fruit. nothing else. well, cereal for breakfast. nothing past that. even cereal's up in the air right now. i'm so fucking pissed.

fifth.

and,  oh, how I wish I had a fifth right now.

For every day that he doesn't want me, I won't eat. Hell, hearing him say that just makes me feel sick anyway. So no motivation to shove food in my mouth anytime soon. I hate this. I wish he'd give me a chance to show him we could be better. Why?

also:: everytime I put something in my mouth, it's being recorded. Yes. I'll just keep updating this post rather than blowing up everyone's dashboards though.

1 mini cadbury's creme egg -50cal (yikes!)
1 cadbury's mini egg -16cal
.2 bottle alo - 12cal
2 gummy vitamins -15cal
1 piece raspberry lemonade gum -0cal.
beef&broccoli stirfry -120cal
rice -50cal
.5 veg wrap -65cal

total: 228cal. blech.

6pm update:
1 grande iced coffee -5cal
naked mango smoothie -120cal (booo)
pasta -200cal
assorted egg/meat/crap -120cal
hardboiled egg white -17cal
2 pieces of blueberry buckle -400cal
softserve ice cream -200cal
BINGEBINGEBINGE.
purged as much as i could..confident i got all the ice cream and blueberry crap up.

total: 690cal. gross. i'm so bloated. i hate this.
no wonder he doesn't wanna be with me.

fourth.

Hello skinnies.

What a fail of a twenty-four hours. I feel horrible right now, and it's Easter, so I have to go home for dinner tonight, and there'll be chocolate.. Yesterday I did nothing. I was tired, or so I told myself..I stayed in bed all day. I tell myself it was just that I wanted to rest, but looking back, I was probably just depressed. I binged at breakfast, planning to then go work out and go to the library, generally be productive, but I got nothing done. Was supposed to go to the library with R..didn't happen. He bailed, basically. Which made me feel like shit. I really wanted to see him. Anyway, I convinced myself to do another Jillian Michael's workout, but couldn't get myself to go running or get to the gym. Still feeling low on energy. Went to subway at like nine last night, of course I got a fucking footlong, and ate the entire thing in five minutes. Along with a bag of chips. Probably 700cal or more. All at once. Then, i wasn't going to go out since I was tired and bloated and full and feeling gross, so I took a shower, but then a couple of my guy friends said they were by my dorm and to go out with them..so, thinking we were going to metal frat, I just threw on some jeans, a tshirt, and my beloved sperry's, and didn't give a thought to what my hair looked like. Of course, we end up going somewhere else - the lax house. So many mullets, so many pairs of sperry's, and SO many girls. All wearing dresses or short skirts, with their hair straightened, having fun. For one, I didn't really know anyone there other than the guys I came with. Second..I looked so out of place and felt like shit because of it. So I ended up leaving before them, and somehow ended up going to dtd. And spent the night there. In his arms.

Then this morning, he drove me back. And apologized. And it sucks. So SO SO much. I don't understand him. I just don't understand how he can say he still likes me and cares about me, and want to hold me close, and even want to fuck me, and then won't give us another chance, when things could be so great. It fucking sucks blows and swallows and I can't deal with it right now. Not fair.

This morning I went down to breakfast...banana bread and blueberry muffin.and some grapes. still. blah. carb-o-licious. And I think mum said she's making vegetarian lasagna tonight. Delicious, yes, full of veggies, yes, but also pasta and cheese. Blah. Must go work out. Want to do the 30day shred again today, but roommate's here and I don't wanna do it in front of her. hahah. Don't care if that makes me pathetic. Anyway. This week I'm seriously cutting back. Fruit fruit fruit. That is what I shall eat. If I go down to the cafeteria? Must get at least one piece of fruit, and I'll have salad. and egg..just eat the white. yes. here we go.

Should probably go to the gym and get this calc done. Blahh. God I miss Rob. :(

think thin. xo

--edit--
dukes of hazzard is on. Jessica Simpson looks so damn good. And Seann William Scott is fine as hell. Yummmm.. (and on that note, i'm off to the gym.)

third.

I'd be perfectly fine with just pretending last night didn't happen. None of it. None. Deal? Okay.

Today's Hash Bash. Considering my chest's already aching, I don't think I'll be taking part. Instead, I shall clean, and go to the library, and work out. Lots. Did I mention eating? Nah. I'll figure that out somehow. Watching Supersize vs. Superskinny again. So jealous of those tiny little twigs. This morning I looked at the pictures from last night..I thought I looked pretty good at the time, but.. blah. My arms are huge.

Today shall be a better day.

first.

Last night I had a dream I met some guy, and told him he was cute. He goes, "well we should go out!" and that was it, he was my boyfriend. I forget the rest, but I ended up going on a mountainous hike with Dumbledore as part of a DTD computer game/rave contest. And ran around my old middle school for a bit. Anyway.

I have no class today, and this paper is due at midnight, so I'm sat outside in the courtyard of my dorm figuring out spring/fall classes and working on it. It's a gorgeous day out already, and it's supposed to be 74F. So so excited. Supposed to be going disc golfing with a friend from high school later on, and then talking to R tonight. Not sure if it's even worth it in a way..I don't think I can change his mind, and I'm not sure I'll be able to say what I really want to say. I don't know, I love him. That's what I know. That, and I've figured my life out, and want to be with him.

Woke up, later than I intended to, but what the hell :) did my first workout with Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I was a bit embarrassed to be honest..it was sort of hard :( but, i feel like it's good for toning muscles, which I definitely need. Plus it was a nice amount of cardio to wake up to, since I didn't really feel like dragging myself to the gym after going 'til midnight last night. Had an apple before Jillian, haven't had anything since. Getting hungry, not sure what I'm going to do about that to be honest. Maybe let myself go to the dining hall in a couple of hours..make a salad? They have ham and turkey in the salad bar at lunch..bit of good old protein. Anywho, I'm off to finish this paper hopefully, as well as sort out what class to take this spring and what to take in the fall.

Stay strong, happy April! It's a new beginning, so let's do this :) xx