full.

I want to feel empty. I want to be empty. I feel so full even though I tried to purge. Not sure how much I got up though, other than hopefully all the toast and peanut butter. Maybe some of the cereal too, I wasn't sure. Dinner around 7:30 was little bit of hummus and rice, and some black bean salad. plus a bit of chickeny pasta, I just picked the chicken out. Then about a bowl and a half of cereal, and said peanut butter on toast. Blah.

Tomorrow, I shall exercise. Inside, outside, at the gym, as much as I can. Will I eat? Probably, yes, but not much. I feel disgusting having so much food inside me.

Watching supersize vs. super skinny on youtube. love it love it love it.

Tomorrow's April1st - new month, fresh start. :)

up.

124 this morning. was scared to weigh myself 'cause i knew i'd gained. had 190cal before i hit the gym this morning, and burned 400cal before class. plus did a ton of abs.
then went to the dining hall and had black beans (50) potato salad (100) bit of rice (50) turkey sandwich (250) andd low fat blueberry muffin (150). 600. so up to basically 800 and it's not even one. okayyy.

ugh.

i binged.

ohhh god, how i binged. half a burger, piece of salmon, bit of potato salad, some cheesy thing, little piece of chicken, slice of key lime cheesecake, 3 strawberries, 4 grapes, two bowls of cereal.

fuck. and so i purged. first successful purge. god it hurts. couldn't get much past the cereal/cheesecake up. i'm such a fucking failure.

tuuesday.

already at 550. fail.
ah well. off to the gym.
so far had apple, 1/4 rice cake, 2 peanutbutter m&ms, fiber one bar, bit of soup, bit of potato salad, and a fucking cookie.

skinny girls don't eat cookies..

off to the gym.

edit:
back, did some abs, biked (50cal?) and elliptical (250cal). would've done waaay more but my legs still hurt from my tumble down the stairs.

being dragged to the dining hall. i shall have an orange.
byee.

fear.

right now i'm afraid to plan. afraid to tell myself how much i will eat. because i'm afraid i'll just fail.
i have class straight from 11-15 so i usually eat after or take a granola bar with me. which do i do? i don't know. neither? but then i'll binge at dinner..unless i skip dinner too? don't be silly, you've been binging so much lately you know you can't fast today. it just won't work.
okay. right now? i'll have an apple.

take a fiber one bar for later. that's 140cal but should fill me up.

if i'm starving when i come back, applesauce or fruit.

then, i must go workout. my splint may not let me lift, but i can still do cardio no excuses.

dinner. hmm. probably going to be invited by the usual crew. i could make a turkey sandwich. fair amount of turkey, one slice of cheese, lettuce and tomato, bit of mustard, and shove it in the panini maker. i never eat the crusts, so call it 120 from the bread, maybe 300 total? then if i insist of dessert or a snack.. i'll force myself to go to amer's to get froyo. that way i have to pay, and i have to leave the building, so i'll have to really want it. and no reese's or chocolate on that froyo, either. original tart with some berries. the end.

please please let me have enough strength and willpower to do this. i think i can. i hope i can. let's try.

gross.

i am such a failure. i can't even go a day without sabotaging myself.

i fucking hate this. i deserve to be miserable. i deserve to be fat and ugly. i deserve to be alone.

god i miss him.

day one.

orange. 45cal.
whitefish. 60cal.
chicken. 100cal.
broccoli. 45cal.
toast/peanut butter. 150cal.
.5 banana. 40cal.

total: 440cal. progress.

3579 is not going to work until i get my intake down more. add to today, bowl of cereal. 200cal.

640cal.

three hundred.

is what i'm allowed for the day. so far had half a small orange. probably going to eat the rest of it before i leave for class..so 45cal. will make green tea when i return around twelve, to put off hunger until maybe an apple after the rest of class/i go get my hand looked at. which doesn't look too bad now, but i need a goddamn doctor's note for work.

off to get dressed. hopefully work out tonight. need to get back into that. too lazy.

??

2468 or abc?

i cannot decide.

--
edit. yes i can. 2468 let's go. but modified, for the first cycle, to 3579. yes, i'm weak. sorry.

sunday morning, rain is falling.

i always feel thin sunday mornings. not sure. although right now i just feel sick.

think i may have broken my thumb. that sounds silly. but it's the part where it's really just hand. but it still is part of the thumb. sort of. that sounds..stupid. whatever. it hurts. although i can type..? wrapped it up to immobilize it and i can move the other fingers so it doesnt really hurt too much. got the day off work (i carry trays on my left hand, didn't see how it would work) but i need a doctors note now. and uhs (university health services, free) is closed sunday of course. and dont really feel like explaining to mum and dad. so i suppose i shall wait until tomorrow. oh, and as for how, i fell down this spiral staircase last night and i'm assuming that would be the cause. oh my it hurts.

more i think about it, the less i think it's actually broken. cute boy i met at breakfast said i probably sprained the ligaments. fair guess.

just realized i basically use this blog instead of my personal one, rather than in addition to. if you're curious about my life outside of trying to be thin, head over to bipolarintricacies.blogspot.com and check it out. they're under seperate blogger accounts so that my friends don't see this. though no one really reads that one either. so no worries. i suppose.

shopping yesterday was fun, got a dress and a skirt and some tops...yes, it made me depressed that i need mediums not smalls in abercrombie these days. but it's motivation. and yes, i was horribly bloated and felt and looked like a fat cow, but it's also motivation. yes, i ate lunch. but just a salad. i figured walking all the way around the mall burned a fair number of calories. then came back adn went to potbelly's. looked it up online, figured id let myself have my beloved mushroom melt for 380cal. but then i had sunchips, too. 200cal. why? not a clue. and i was still starving after. i felt so empty. ended up going for froyo later. apparently the ex's best friend works there. pretty sure she recognized me. awk.
anywho, so i of course had no self control and piled chocolate chips and reeses on my delicious yogurt. and some strawberries and pineapple. but still. blech. no self control. then tried and failed to get any work done. had a bad charlie horse all day so couldnt work out. watched the hockey game. was upset i wasnt there. ex was. may be going tonight with him. not sure. prob bad idea.

so then i ended up going out. didnt intend to drink much. drank so much. blah. fuck me. went to pancheros. got a chicken quesadilla. i remember that much. so drunk.

this morning had toast and eggs. bit of hash browns. bit of cheese. bit of turkey. and two chocolate chip cookies. that's disgusting.

going back to bed then to the library.

ps- i have followers? :)

sickening.

last night i was upset. so what did i do? i ran away to food. did i go to panchero's, get a chicken quesadilla, and eat half? no. i went to btb, got a fucking DELUXE shredded chicken, and ate nearly the whole thing. so many calories. that and the beer alone is more than my daily intake should be.
plus half a slice of pizza at work.
plus four cookies after lunch.
plus my bingetastic lunch of mac and cheese and a bit of a turkey sandwich.

it amazes me how i manage to do this to myself. i'm not a bitch and i'm not cocky, but i know that i'm pretty. and i should have more love and respect for my body than to poison it so.

mum's taking me shopping today. yay. not excited anymore since i'm so disgustingly bloated. i hate this. i miss him.

oh, and i had some rather random dreams last night. all very vivid though. in one of them i had a massive black eye (i was rather upset it's not actually there, it looked fucking badass), and in another, i looked in the mirror and saw my body morph to be even fatter. disgusting. my arms freaked me out the most, as it wasn't a full length mirror. they looked like this:

blech. that scared me. alot. would go work out, but must go shower before mum picks me up.

here's to a better day.

hi im drunk. just inhaled a btb shredded chicken deluxe burrito. blech.


i am a disgusting fat cow.

comfort food.

so hungover. i feel terrible. why oh why am i so stupid? whyy would i stay there?

too lazy to go workout.

went to the caf. binged on mac and cheese. made a sandwich, didnt really eat it. grabbed a cookie. went back down an hour later just to get cookies. four of them, to be exact.

i feel so so sick.

gorgeous.

i have no self control.

i'm so fucking disgusted with myself.
nachos and sweet-and-sour chicken.
then, tiiniest piece of cake. with a little bit of ice cream. not to bad, right?
til i add on the toast with peanut butter and honey. i am disgusting.

i fucking deserve to be fat. the scale saying 122.5 this morning was a joke.


**edit
look to the future. replace "if only i hadn't.." with "next time.."

lazyday.

it's rainy and miserable. didn't get out of bed 'til 11 or so. watched some jamie oliver. love him.
had a aussie(?) down under yogurt...creamy and low fat and delish with pink grapefruit in it. 140cal. so not great. but fuck it.
went to the gym before class, did some weights and abs, and 200cal on elliptical. got there late so couldnt do much more.
tummy's bloated so i'm pissed. going to a party at the ex's frat tonight so i need to look damn fucking good.
on the bright side, scale at the gym said 122.5. i'm craving those teens.
just went to the caf cause iw as starving..ended up binging a little. guessing 160cal fromcookies, 80cal potato pancake, 40cal coleslaw/carrots.

call it 450 so far, cause i usually tend to underestimate. blah. planning on drinking a fair amount tonight, so best stay away from food.

off to the shops with mum, need new black pants for work.

think thin x

binge binge binge

winge winge winge.

worked out. 400cal plus some abs. pitiful, really.

ate noodles&co for lunch. it was delicious, at least. lots of chicken = protein. then two beef tacos for dinner. and softserve cause i was so anxious about my exam. and just now, a bagel and cream cheese. and a pretzel rod. blah. make me stop. not going to add all those up.

weighed myself at the gym. 123. should've lost more than that.

fuck.

massive disgusting cookie binge. can i really  not even go a measly 5 hours awake without stuffing my face? no more food for me today.

edit:: of course, then i went to no thai with my roommate. then got ice cream. wow. i'm pathetic.

rainy day.

off to the gym. aka off to also weigh myself for the first time in a week and a half. i'm terrified. hah.
took some pictures this morning. figure no one really reads this anyone so no reason not to post. don't judge my dorky undies, they're comfy to sleep in :)

blech.

gross.

i can do better.

baha.

don't care that they're all photoshopped, this certainly killed my appetite.

http://www.freakingnews.com/Fat-People-Pictures--328-0.asp

saturday.

last night had couple shots and some beer. didn't eat between lunch and around 3.30 when we got jimmy johns. had a turkey tom. ate maybe a third of it. so around 150cal. not too bad.
slept most of today since i went to bed around 7:30 (roommate was very confused when i returned. hah.) but had to get lunch with a friend from high school. she was picking me up so i said it was up to her where we went, and she said she wanted to go somewhere healthy so we end up at panera. panera is not healthy. i shouldve just had my asian sesame chicken salad. or else that and black bean soup. but i didn't. i had half the salad and half the frontega chicken panini. which was yummy. but still. not worth the calories. i feel sick. calculated it online..i didn't eat the wontons in the salad or lots of the bread on the sandwich. the salad was 130. not bad at all. the panini? a whopping 430. it was not tasty enough for that. but i left alot of the bread so im thinking 330. plus 130 is 460. thenn earlier had two jaffa cakes (my last two :( ) which would be another 80cal. plus some clusters w. peanut butter. 100cal. so 640cal for today. and it's not even six thirty. ick. bad news bears. no more food. just alcohol for me. should go work out too. i feel so fatty.

friday.

11am: 2 gummy vitamins - 15cal.

fuck food.

had to get lunch with zach. guacamole & rice & 1 small beef taco. it was delicious therefore worth it. then a grande ice coffee from starbucks.

so guessing..500cal? too lazy to look it up now and i have to run off to work.

work = five hours on my feet. am i going to eat? pshh. no way :)

thursday night.

they talked me out of it. don't want to talk about the rest.
started smoking. meh.
didn't drink tonight. probably good.
miss him lots.

didnt eat too much. mum took me to panera. nearly 800cals. guessing lunch was around 250. plus 100cal chips just now. so what, 1150? could've been worse. didn't know my latte and pastry would be so much. i know right? pastry. but it made my mother happy. and she deserves to be happy.

i just wish i could be happy.

thursday.

i'm leaving. don't know exactly where i'm going. may just show up at the greyhound station tomorrow morning and hop on a bus to nowhere. i just need to get out of here. doubt i'm taking my laptop so don't know when i'll next post.
bye.

tuesday.

today i lacked the motivation to go work out. i haven't been to the gym since thursday- haven't had a proper workout since wednesday. must go tomorrow.

been barely eating. thinking about food makes me nauseous. it's not even that i don't want to eat. i just can't. probably first time i've ever had to force myself to eat.

this is so hard.

over.

he said it. it's over. he doesn't want to be with me.

this sucks.

i haven't slept since friday night. six hours friday  night. two saturday night. maybe five last night. i feel sick. all the time. i haven't been eating because i haven't been hungry. my roommate made me get ice cream with her last night. that helped. she got me cookies and a sandwich earlier. i ate them. went down to the dining hall with friends just now. had tiny bit of cereal and pineapple with rice milk. bit of chocolate cake. wasn't very good. i feel disgustingly full. i feel so sick. i don't know what to do, how to cope.

no.

no. he can't do this.

i can't do this.


i don't care anymore. about anything. i can't do this.

4.46

my intake's been out of control. didn't work out yesterday. wasn't going to eat today, what with the breakup and whatnot, but hangover made me resort to food. two slices of cold pizza and a brownie. blah.

tired. feel shitty. don't care anymore.

11.

half fage yogurt -50cal
banana -100cal
blueberries -15cal
graham cracker -75cal
vitamins -10cal

total: 250cal.

busy day.

breakfast: oatmeal w. skim milk. 200cal. yum
                blueberries. 5cal
                jaffa cake. 46cal.

total: 250cal.

onward.

let's pretend this weekend didn't happen. although, hard to considering the MASSIVE BRUISES on my knees. fuck. ah well.

b: -.5 fage greek yogurt (100cal) <--i bought the full fat one accidentally? wtff. gross. ate way less than half, but to be sure.
    -5 blueberries (10cal? found different info)

total so far: 110cal.

in other news..back on prozac. really low dose though. hoping it won't make me gain again. ah well. off to class, shit-ton of orgo studying and calc to do. fuckk.

12:15
l: three small pieces of celery -6cal
   three slices of carrot -10cal
   3.5 kashi triscuit-type things -60cal
   1 string cheese -50cal
lunch: 126cal.
total: 236cal.

3:45
l2: 3.5 kashi triscuit -60cal
     luna bar -180cal (found it in my bag and i was starving..)
l2: 240cal

total: 476cal

going swimming.


okay, didn't swim as much as i should've, but it felt good. then elliptical for ten min - 125cal. not much but whatever. same amount as lunch. thennn dinner hit.

had some baby spinach leaves, bit of tuna, two baby carrots. then a bit of refried beans and cheese and salsa. no rice even. guessing all that was 250cal or so. then had the cheesecake. 400cal. orzo and cheesy cauliflower. 200cal. some of that gross coconut cream pie. 100cal. making..950cal. in one meal.

that is absolutely disgusting. puts me at a net intake of 1426. fuck me. tried to purge but only got coconut cream shit up. god i hate myself. tomorrow's one year since my suicide attempt. fabulous.

plan.

tomorrow i have work. giving me some sort of structure. let's plan this shit out.

wake up. 9ish? before ten. eat..some sort of fruit. maybe yogurt, if i'm hungry [but you shouldn't be, you fat pig..] then go straight to the gym and burn at least 600cals. come back here, shower etc, then see bf or m, depending, come back and study, nibble something before work. hopefully  move my shit back to my dorm. actually, i can do some of that in the morning. there we go. thenn work til ten. no food at work. then drinks at bf's frat. beer has enough cals that i don't need food.

yes.

blizzard.

a small reese's blizzard from dairy queen is 530cals. did you know that? i didn't. utnil i ate the whole thing. then looked it up later.

today started off so well. good workout, not much food, saw the bf...though he was acting weird, walked my dog with him,then ate a super small bowl of granola/cheerios with some blueberries, then just chilled for a bit. then, mum gets home and announces that dairy queen opened today. so of course bf wants to go. and i can't say no because he doesn't think i'm eating and mum's suspicious. so i go. and it was delish. told myself i didn't have to finish it..but i did.

dinner was a spinach/black bean/mushroom/bell pepper enchilada thing that mum makes every so often. i know the white flour tortilla isn't all that good for you so i left probably a third of it. but ate some of it for carbs. unneccessary but it was good. had a tiny bit of reduced fat sour cream and some salsa and cucumber with it. yum. and a mug of green tea.

then, decided i wanted to bake cookies. so i did. and nibbled on chocolate chips the whole time, of course, then ate one of the cookies, which turned out MASSIVE. even the second batch which i tried to make smaller, still turned out huge.

i feel like my legs and stomach have turned to pure fat. sticky and jiggly and horrible. because of that blizzard. i don't want to even look at the fat content of that thing. honestly thinking about it makes me feel sick. guess i'll just chug water for a bit then go to bed. then wake up and aim for 600+ at the gym tomorrow.

i was feeling good about myself before that FUCKING blizzard. so disgusting. i hate myself for it now. loathe myself, every essence of my weak-minded, fat-bodied self. OH, and i watched celebrity fit club earlier. one girl on it weighs LESS than me. what the FUCK.

04.

woke up later than i intended, but had a couple of pomegranate seeds and some water as breakfast. meant to eat a small apple but forgot to grab it as i ran out the door.
had that apple when i got back from 60min of cardio at the gym. soo..
55cal apple
50cal seeds
35cal bite of cookie

total:: 140 in, 650 out :)

does anyone else have one of those nike+ things? where it goes in your shoe and hooks up to your ipod..? because i use that even when i run on the treadmill, but it always seems to say i'm working harder than the treadmill says (if that makes sense.) anyone..?

aqua.

i want a barbie. i never played with barbie or any kind of dolls when i was little. and now i want one-- to remind me of how thin i should be, and of how fat i am.

today was another failure. i need to stop this. i didn't get out of bed 'til one since i didn't go to bed 'til 5am. then had my gummy vitamins, a fage greek yogurt with blueberries, and one of those goddamn blondie things i made. which i decided i really don't like all that much.
[i wanna try making them again, with half the flour and maybe throw in some cinnamon. goddamn, now i'm craving cinnamon. in the morning, in the morning. maybe if i get up and have a good workout i'll treat myself to a skinny latte. nah, i won't. but i'll have some coffee with cinnamon.]
anyway, also had a cup of that yogi green tea that *supposedly* suppresses appetite. not sure if it did shit, but there we go. then...what else? i sat around, caught up on last night's LOST, then found something else to watch. half-heartedly did some orgo studying. thenn, had a teeny tiny slice of hawaiian pizza that i made last night. it was delicious, so whatever. i fucking love pineapple. so so much. and it was like, a fifth of a 7" pizza. so pretty small. and it had ham and pineapple. both relatively healthy. minimal preservatives. thenn, i had a tiny sliver of mushroom pizza, also that i made, also from last night. still not good though. and a cracker. then for dinner i made an omelette. supposedly egg whites, but one yolk broke and i was too lazy to fish it all out. thenn put some spinach mushrooms tomatoes and a bit of cheese in it. it was deliciousss also. i figure veg and protein..okay-ish. thenn had a piece of bread though :( bah.

thinking about it..that wasn't too much. before dinner i did a halfassed 5min biking and 5min elliptical. haha. boosted my metabolism a tiny bit, at least. thenn when i got back from finally seeing the bf, i had two spoonfuls of ice cream and a bowl of mixed granola and cheerios with some blueberries. well, and a nibble of one of those cakey icky blondies i made. i'm actually pissed as fuck that they turned out so shitty. go look at how good they look here.

anywho. too lazy to add up calories. plus i feel guilty for not working out. oh, last night at work had some milky coffee drink thing. and half a slice of pepperoni pizza. i picked out most of the pepperoni though. bah.

tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow i will work out and burn a minimum of 500 calories. ABSOLUTE MINIMUM.

..

not eating makes me feel like shit. i've never had so much anger and frustration and just...hate. built up inside me. and i don't know how to deal with it. i'm hungry. but i'm scared to eat. once i start i can't stop.


help me.

crash and burn.

worst part about being home? mum keeps making my favorite foods, which i CANNOT say no to. :(

though i suppose i didn't eat too much. guessing the homemade pizza was around 400cal. maybe 500. plus some salad, with balsamic vinegar. plus three crackers. 75cal. then a banana chocolate chip blondie. 175cal. plus the choc chips i nibbled on while baking them. goddamn.

work...half a piece of leftover pizza..150cal. half slice of chipati bread..50cal.

so let's see. 950cal. plus the 325 from earlier in the day... oh plus an apple. 50cal. equals...
1325.

blech. ran two miles and ellipticalled a bit. was too achey to do too much though. burned 450cal at the gym. guess that makes today an overall 875. which is double what it should be. more than double.

but, tonight was my last tuesday 10-4am shift. thank god.

sleeping in tomorrow, then having yogurt for breakfast. drinking tea throughout the day - that yogi blueberry green tea stuff. and FRUIT. one blondie tomorrow night as a treat if i've done well. and 1hour goal for cardio. maybe do some light weights to tone.

fucking fatass, time to shape up.

tuesday.

goal for today is just to do better than yesterday work 10pm-4am so that'll be lots of moving about, burning calories. and if i really get hungry, i can get celery and carrots. no breadsticks.
50cal breakfast; 1/4 pink grapefruit ~ 25cal
                         gummy vitamins ~ 25cal
205cal lunch; ritz crackers ~ 80cal
                     tuna salad ~ 45cal
                     celery ~ 5cal
                     red grapes ~ 25cal
                     dark chocolate mingle ~ 50cal
70cal pre-workout snack; .5 strawberry fiber one bar ~ 70cal

total; 325cal.

hmmph.

still haven't pooped. don't care whether or not you care, I GODDAMN CARE.

anywho.
B: light vanilla yogurt, granola, oats, banana ~ 210cal
--400cal elliptical/150cal treadmill = 550cals burned
**doc appt, he said i'm at a healthy weight, that i should be between 120 and 126. pshh. f that.
L: ACV water (did it help? don't know. i felt full..?)
    moe's...naked triple lindy junior ~ 164cal
      ..but, i ate some chips. ~ 100cal.
         total...264cal
snack/grazing: red grapes (30cal), 2 crackers (15cal each)
D: cod cooked in skim milk with chive cream cheese (200), mushrooms, broccoli(50), and tomatoes. with a small piece of multigrain toast, with a little olivio spread (70).
unnecessary binge: bowl of granola with skim milk and blueberries ~ 200cal
                                 one chocolate ~ 50cal
                                 mixed dried fruit/chocolate chips ~ 75cal
                                 cracker with cheese ~ 75cal

so let's see. time to add. 474 60 320 400  = 1254. wowowow. fail, since i wanted to be near 700. goddamn. and i can't even blame moes, i had a fucking 400cal binge. damnitt.

but, i burned 550. so 1254-550=704. hmm. success? no.

not good enough.

quick.

just got back from the gym. need a quick shower then doc appt. bathroom scales say 124, don't think that's right. see what it says at the doctors.

210cal breakfast...banana, low fat yogurt, and a bit of dry oatmeal.


--
alright, official weight....126lbs. exactly 9stone. not thrilled about it, but i can definitely get down to 124 by march 9th. that's eight days from now.
not gonna lie, i suck at restricting. right now i'm watching real housewives and looking at thinspo and my tummy's still grumbling. need to get out of the house. which hmm, i need to get going soon hah. bank then visiting my old high school. burned 550cal at the gym, which felt good. just don't want to ruin it. going to go early tomorrow morning too, get my metabolism up first thing.

apparently i need 2100cal/day, according to this calc thing online. another said around 1800. let's assume i need 1900 (somewhat of a middle point) to maintain my current weight. 3500cal to every pound of fat. i want to lose two pounds in basically a week. so i should aim for an overall restriction of 1000cal everyday. that can come from either exercise or diet. so right now let's say i'm at -340cal right now. but then again my intake has just been 210. soo, if i restrict by 1000, that means my overall intake today can be 900, give or take. and if i go over a little, it's okay, because of that workout earlier. right? not sure i'm making sense. off to mix some acv water to drink before i get dragged to moe's. already figured out what i'm having.
i used to get:  a tofu homewrecker over 1000cal (i forget the exact.)
-tofu
-pinto beans
-rice
-cheese
-sour cream
-guacamole
-lettuce
-tomatoes
-and chips.
today i shall have a junior triple lindy- around 330cal, unless i do it naked.
-tofu, pinto beans, rice, lettuce, tomatoes, and guacamole. i could lower it by like 75cal if i got rid of the guac but..avocados have healthy fats in them. and then later i can think about how i already had a fatty banana and fatty guac so i don't need chocolate. deal? deal. i'm excited.

also, i can tell mum i ate a TON and be excused from eating too much at dinner !

i'm off. think thin!