now.

following this for at least the next week. i can do it, i know. since i'm around mum,  however, i'll give myself an extra 200cal allowance for each day. but try to stay closer to those amounts. basically..i need to not eat unless i'm being seen eating. ie, at dinner. i can do this. my problem is that i love to snack..need to cure that. there's lots of blueberries in the fridge..need to stick to fruit rather than carbs when i'm weak-minded.

resisted chocolate earlier for SO. LONG. like an hour and a half, even though it was right next to me and rest of the family kept eating it. then..i gave in. okay, i thought, i'll just have one. a dark chocolate one. which turned into two. then three, four, five..six? i don't even remember. then a small piece of multigrain toast, and now my tummy looks disgusting but still feels hungry.

havent pooped in like two days. well..maybe day and a half. getting on for two days. not liking this one bit. currently drinking sea salt in water. warm water, 'cause it's coarse sea salt and i wasn't sure it'd dissolve. no results yet.

also going to start the apple cider vinegar thing. opened one of the cupboards downstairs and saw that there was a bottle of acv AND some sea salt ! will try them both out, then buy some for me to take back to college with me if results are favorable.

better.

home = food everywhere. i dunno. getting better though.

b: 11:30: small amount of oatmeal with skim milk, blueberries
l: 1:30: tuna with lemon juice, olive oil, and black pepper, in a yellow pepper, with carrots, zucchini, mushroom, and a tiny bit of mozzarella, some lettuce, a bit of hummus, and a small piece of bread (yes, i realize now/as i began to eat that it was alot. but mum was there..).
l2: around 4: other half of l, didn't finish pepper.
d: mum made me eat all of it. it = chicken breast, with cream cheese inside (i begged her for no bacon wrapped around it), one small chunk of roast potato, three small baked sweet potato..chunks, for lack of a better word, some carrots, and a ton of broccoli.

now, i love broccoli. and i resisted the temptation of a nice small piece of multigrain bread with just a tiiiiny bit of butter....but my tummy is so so so full right now. i did a mad quick 15min 200cal elliptical sesh in the basement literally two minutes before we ate. so that's prob why i feel so full. nothing else but water for me tonight. need to buy more green tea tomorrow. and maybe apple cider vinegar, i hear? hmm. we shall see. this week will be easier now, 'cause parents AND brother will be at work :) going to moe's tomorrow with I for lunch, gotta look on their website and see how i can minimize the damage. i'll be able to get out of too much dinner by telling mum i ate a ton though. got to drive her to work so i can have the car, so hoping for an intense 60min workout between that and my doc appt afterwards. hoping the scales there will reflect what the ones at the ccrb and at home have been saying. very worried though. haven't been weighing myself as often. and i'm so not about to right now, when i'm full to bursting.

failure times two.

okay, worked out this morning, but still. i feel so disgusting still. i ate all day. potbelly's was good, but all that chocolate tonight? unnecessary. going back for more lasagna?? unnecessary. ICE CREAM?! what the fuck am i thinking? i'm fucking up all that i've worked for and i hate it. i can't stand this shit.

starting tomorrow, no more of this shit. i can have one chocolate, maybe two ( goddamn this english chocolate everywhere). yogurt or oatmeal and FRUIT for breakfast. veggies for lunch. then whatever mum makes for dinner but in moderation. limit carbs. limit sugar. carbs must be whole grain. yes.

god i hate myself. must work out tomorrow morning before work. thank god for the elliptical in the basement.

so fucking sick of being home already. and i miss bf.

failure.

yesterday...was a massive failure. didn't work out, though i did go to work, and i ate everything in site, then drank, then ate more. don't want to add it up. i'm sure it's over 2000. feel so sick right now. must work out. must not eat. must punish weak body.

title:

just under 1400cal for today. only did 420 on the elliptical, then a bit of weights and some abs. blah. feel like it was good for me to have another resting day. and a good eating day. ate pretty healthily at least, except the cookies. they were oatmeal raisin at least..

dunno if i'll drink tonight. already feel sick from eating. blah.

new name.

new name. pursuit of perfection.

new URL, too, sorry.

today = fail. had just my oatmeal, then since this paper is driving me crazy and i needed a change of scenery, i migrated to the dining hall. mac & cheese = fail. over 400cals. blech. then an apple, good, grapes, good, peanut butter...bad, two cookies...worse.

fuck.

more cookies, some cheerios...already over 1000 for today. but been eating slow so can't purge. might go buy laxatives but a bit nervous about that.

fasting tomorrow.

jfkds

getting better at this not-eating-everything-in-sight thing. except for that hershey's on my desk. i don't even like hershey's, there just weren't any m&m's left for me to have just one or two, so i broke into that. gross. and just now i had chocolate frosting and peanut butter by the spoonful. i wasn't even hungry, i'm just thirsty. that's disgusting.
but whatever. breakfast was a luna bar, lunch was greek yogurt (deeeelish), and dinner was salmon, chicken, little bit of rice, broccoli, grapes, boursin, crackers, and chocolate mousse. not too healthy, i know, but i only had a bit of each..i did eat all the chicken though. i love chicken and it was actually quite good. can't wait for some home cooking next week (although i know mum will make sure i eat loads..) esp since mum's gone on a health kick with her healthy cookbooks hah.
got hungry at work last night around 2. had celery sticks and baby carrots. yum. okay, with a little bit of ranch and chipati sauce, but whatever. i worked six hours. and i was walking around doing stuff that whole time. so it's whatever.

still haven't goten this goddamn sixpage paper done. wishing i'd started earlier instead of putting it off until now..it's due tomorrow at midnight but i really don't want to have to deal with it too much tomorrow. gotten everything else done for tomorrow though. getting coffee with S at eleven, then chem discussion, then finish off this paper/edit etc, then french, then DONESKIES. might come back here then hop on over to the gym, eat a tiny bit, maybe hockey game with the bf if he ends up getting me a ticket ( i mean, i'll pay for it, i just don't want to get one and then ask if that's okay. if that makes sense). then maybe some drinksies (i mean..they have a fucking mixer) then some good sex with the bf i'm hoping. it's been far too long and i'm pissed that he ruined my plans for his birthday. but whatever.

something's beeping. loudly. think it's coming from the room next door. goddamn it. what the fuck. that and goddamn band practice downstairs is annoying. going to have to go somewhere else to try to write this paper looks like. what's pissing me off the most is that the beeping is totally off time to the music. that's fucking with me big time.

guess i should get this done, maybe work out, and then crash. i'm exhausted.

today.

127. progress. worked out, 400cal or so.

ate dinner with bf. it was delicious. i figure sweet potato fries aren't too bad. better than reg potatos. and they're delish. then had a panini w chicken cheese and pineapple. figure it's enough protein and carbs are my weakness anyway.

time for work.

give and take.

drank quite a bit this weekend. need to work out lots to get all those nasty toxins and that goddamn acetate out of my body. couldn't yesterday 'cause of work.. nearly fasted all day, save for two chips and a crouton at work, but weakened and got dinner. fish and salad, pretty healthy, and a little bit of pasta, thennn hit the ice cream. then later, grapes! healthy! thenn.. easy mac. and m&ms. but whatever. it's okay. 

already had my oatmeal for today :) yum. going to hopefully not eat 'til after office hours and then head down to yost. 

figured out what i want to say to bf. you forget about me when you're drunk, and it makes me feel like i don't matter, and that i'm not good enough. so that makes me feel like i have to be better to get your attention - which is why i was so desperate to sober up. not that you noticed. and all i want to do is look like one of the alpha phi girls because they're tiny. and maybe if i was prettier and skinnier and just all around better, you wouldn't forget about me. plus then, when you spend all your time just talking to other girls and texting other girls at parties it's like a slap in the face, like, i'm not good enough so you need to talk to them. and it fucking blows.

just so you know.

but, it's his birthday, so i'm not sure if i can.

yikes.

i hate that word. expression. whatever.

but wow, i'm already up to 935. i mean, i supposedly burned like 600cal at the gym. but still. blech. i feel bloaty and fat and gross and i have no clue what to wear tonight :( booo. and i'm hungry, and i want to drink tonight, which means i must eat.. caf's closed so got to eat out, too. blech. thinking jimmy johns, went on the website and figure out a turkey tom unwich isn't too bad a\s long as you get it without cheese or mayo. my friend is gonna think i'm a freak. whatever. then i may take a nap before showering and going out. i actually had a somewhat productive day, got like half my maths assignment done. so yay for that. also lookedup some stuff for my psych paper, yay:)

alright, buhbye.

(:

so, stayed under 1200 yesterday, which i think of as progress. baby steps, i've realized that if i just straight don't let myself eat anything, i only end up bingeing at night. so there we go. went to the gym yesterday, did a couple miles on the elliptical ( only  250cal though) then did a bit of weights and some abs. i'm about to go again,and really want to work on my abs. give me that flat tummy :)
last night was first night of shitshow, the bf was drunkk which was hilarious:) love him. i didn't drink too much, though i'm still feeling it a little so i'm putting off driving anywhere (i have bf's car, he was way too drunk to drive this morning). i had two cups of his pineappley malibu vodka concoction, which wasn't too strong and absolutely delicious, two shots to pregame, then a couple of beers. i thought i did quite well :) so yes i know that adds alot more calories on, and i'm feeling guilty that i'll then drink again tonight, but as long as i work out and get some studying done, i feel like it's a good reward.

oh balls. just remembered the pizza and breadsticks we got. that were delish, but horrible for you. blahh. whatever. i'm not bloated so i don't care. as long as i do well all week i feel like the weekend can be my reward.

anywho, might make some oatmeal then it's off to the gym :)

progress!

mini binge earlier on some banana bread. slept all day, unintentionally, which is good 'cause i didn't eat, but kinda shit 'cause it means i didn't move around or burn many calories. first night of r's shitshow weekend tonight, so got to save calories for the alcohol, but also need to eat close to the time so i don't get sick. 'cause that'll piss him off. plus i want to be drunk and have a good time but not be a mess. i dunno. we'll see.
super excited for it, cause he usually doesn't really drink, but also nervous and i feel like we're gonna get pissed at eachother, or i'm gonna get mad at him at least. bah.

still under 600cal for today, which is progress. off to the gym, if i burn 600cals might reward myself with going tanning. then meeting some friends across campus for dinner, i'll just have a salad. very excited.

love love.

progress.

1550 today, would've been 1000 or under, but had a few beers with the bf. bah. but, worked out and burned 600cals on the elliptical earlier (did i already say that?) andd then had kayak club practice for two hours. so i feel like it's whatever.

i mean i'm still a fucking ugly fat pig, but whatever, right? who cares?      i do...

progress.

making progress. had my oatmeal this morning, then went to a research study at the b-school (which makes me want to go into business.. and then made me wonder what i do want to study..) then went to the gym and ellipticalled 600cals. hell yes. felt good. now i've got aheadache though. damn period. andd came back and just had baby carrots and a small piece of beef jerky (low in fat and high in protein) then went to class, came back, had banana bread and peanut butter (such a weakness. but so good. and pb has protein) then an apple. i feel quite content.
gonna take some advil then off to the rink !

byee

meh

alright, so little under 1800 for today. which honestly, since i'm on my period and i worked 'til 5am, isn't too horrible. burned 560cals at the gym which was a plus. need to do that more often. like everyday. going to my first kayak practice tomorrow- very excited :)

tummy hurts like a bitch..going to bed. got stuff tuh do tomorrow :)

weakk.

alright, enough of this. no more almost daily binging. it's disgusting.
i work from ten 'til 4am. thinking i'll come back, take a 4 hour nap, then off to the gym for a morning work out. that should kickstart my  metabolism a bit. then gonna try to go to 10am chem lecture maybe? or else just come back, shower, then go to all my classes. then come back. get some work done. SHIT. then i have dinner with the family at palio's...time to start looking what i want. but they always want to get bread and appetizers and i KNOW mum will think it's sketch if i don't eat. okay. i'll have my oatmeal in the morning after my work out, then nothing 'til dinner. okay? okay.

great, no nutritional info on the website. only a menu. and it's italian, so it's all carbs and cheese. okay, there's a chicken thing that sounds like it might not be killer. or else there's salmon. okay.

other thing about the dinner that's stressing me out? what to wear. esp considering how disgustingly bloated i am right now, and how little i'm going to get to sleep. ugh. i'm so disgusting. maybe i can work out before and after class. that'd be good.

don't even want to think about all that i ate today.

went down to dinner and thougt to myself how i wasn't even really that hungry.

then i ate everything in sight. fried okra, bananas foster, bread pudding, broccoli, pasta, chicken, tofu, eggplant, bread.

blech. trying to purge. i hate my body. i hate it.

blech.

i feel horrible.
like, sick to my stomach, burning up, dizzy...i can't even think. i can't even motivate myself to read a page nevermind finish/start my calc. what the fuck is thiss.
earlier i know i was just nauseous with anxiety over the whole bf thing. but now? i don't even know.

makethisstop.

it goes on.

chinese new year food in the dining hall.
first off had some more sun chips and then some chocolate frosting. thenn spring rolls, rice, salmon(at least that's healthy), pork dumplings... oh, y'know, then some  pineapple and cracklin' oat bran. and ice cream. and oreo pieces and chocolate chips.

i disgust myself.

but food is my therapy. and baby i need rehab.

dumbest holiday ever.

seriously. it's stupid. you don't need a specific day to tell someone you love them. if you do..tell them anyway. unless, right when you're going to, they tell you what you did the night before. yeah, that you don't remember 'cause you drank so much. fucking fabulous.

so he wants to break up..

so what do i do? eat everything in sight, of course. let's see..
oatmeal, made with 2% milk (gross) 'cause that's what he always has
dining hall breakfast: eggs, bacon, half a bagel, hash browns, carrots, broccoli
sunchips
beef jerky
chocolate frosting
chocolate cupcake

blah. gross. got out of going to work soo haven't had any exercise yet today. maybe why i feel so shit. but i honestly don't even want to move. i feel sickk. so ashamed. want to cut.

won't.



okay. under 800 tomorrow. time to get serious.

doubts.

i feel dumb doubting myself already. okay not dumb-- pathetic. like, i can't even go a day under 1000cal? really? c'mon, i'm sure i've done it before. but i guess i'm stressed...i dunno. cried last night. gotta finda  way to deal with all this.

perfection. that's what i want.

woow.

just ate a whole pizza from za's. which fitday.com is telling me comes in at about 1100 calories. so it's not even 2 and i'm up to 1420. disgusting.
and not about to go work out right now 'cause i'm so full. i wasn't even hungry enough to eat the whole thing. i just..did. i have no self control. i have five hours of work later, that's a plus i guess, and sledding snowyaking with the guys later.
so we'll see.

bah.

dining hall = hell.

seriously. i was doing so well. i weighed myself at the gym this afternoon and it said 128.2. i burned 350cal in 20min on the elliptical, then went down to eat with some friends. i had alittle tabbouleh, some kung pao chicken, i just only ate the inside chickeny bit, not the fried part, some carrots, and then decided i'd have a bowl of cereal. which turned into two. then three. blechh i feel so gross. had a cup of coffee and a mug of tea but neither made me feel any less bloated and disgusting. and they all stayed down there forever so i didnt want to leave to go purge. but i wish i had.
ugh. 1100. i'm such a failure.

success.

three hundred cals so far today.

yessss. did all my laundry, just need to shove it in the dryer in a few on my way to french. got an exam that's looking like it won't actually be easy-peasy. and my par ecrit wasn't exactly, up to par, so to speak. feeling good about things though. after class i'm gonna come back here and make some soup, then get started on my math homework for tues. i'm so not leaving it 'til the night before this time. plus i need to bring my grade up, which i can totally do. also want to try and do some research for my psych paper due two weeks from today. sigh. what else? dunno. feel bloated and don't understand why. is it from my reese's puffs last night? all i've had today is oatmeal with blueberries and raspberries and chocolate milk, green tea, and now a cup of coffee..with milk, hah. milk's probably my latest new favorite food. so if i have soup for lunch, i can hit up the dining hall for dinner, and get me some cinnamon toast crunch. goddamn. how on earth have i not experienced some of these great foods before college? i mean, beef jerky?! yumm.
and high in protein. but high in sodium. bleh, need to kick up my water intake.

goodbyyyee for now. think thin.

some late night alexa chung

 collarbones. damn.

 the only thing i want more than this dress, is to look like that in this dress.

ehh

1063 for the day, according to fitday.com. although could be a bit more, as i'm not sure how many cups of reese's puffs i binged on, so i guessed. meh. damn, i had string cheese earlier. okay so call it 1100. 1150 maybe.  blah. not bad. i'm tryna work my way down, get my body used to not eating mass amounts of food. so we'll see. feel like shit now though. went to the gym earlier for a bit, didn't really try.. did like 10min running, 10min biking, and 10min stairmaster. so like 250cals. better than nothing i guess, plus there was the walking there and back, and walking to all my classes. marginal, but it all counts.
goal for tomorrow is 1000 or below, but if i hit 1100 it's okay.

fivehundred.

500cals so far. half of what i'm allowing for today. i'm telling myself i can have 1000, but if i go over, i can have 1200. but really trying for 1000, 'cause my cough is making working out not look good. correction, recent binge on graham crackers has put me at 682. fuck my life.

not good enough.

this. this is what i want. at a minimum. she's gorgeous. i bet you she doesn't have a try to get people's attention, nevermind her BOYFRIEND'S attention. i bet if she was sick or just wasn't feeling well or was super stressed about absolutely EVERYTHING and just was super overwhelmed and wanted to for once just completely open up and tell him what's going on--- i bet he'd listen. i bet he'd be there in a heartbeat, rather than dropping off some herbal tea, giving her a kiss, then leaving to then go to the fucking hockey game where everyone adores him. well guess what. i fucking adore him. it just doesn't feel like it even counts for anything, which is the shittiest feeling. i mean but none of that's fair. if i was really sick, and not just like sore throat achey chest painful to breathe, he'd be here. ..right? yeah. if i told him i needed him to be, he would. if i told him i wanted to tell him everything, and that i was super overwhelmed..i'm sure he'd listen. granted, he'd tell me not to stress and just to relax and that i'm "doing great, babe" and just call me babe a million times because that always makes everything better..not. but yeah, he would. i'm sure. i think.         i hope.


binged a bit earlier. had plain oatmeal with raspberries and blueberries (and a pinch of splenda) for breakfast along with some tea and lots of water. then like an hour and a half later, i had graham crackers with almond butter and peanut butter. full of carbs sugar and fat. blah. thenn around 2:30 i had some leftover pasta which i mixed with salsa and shoved in the microwave..notsure why i thought that would taste good, it really wasn't as good as i hoped, and so i feel like it was a waste of carbs and calories. and sodium, come to think of it.

roommate made fun of me for not going to class. told her i wasnt feeling well and she told me to just take an advil. she doesn't have any idea. then again, that's not her fault, not like i tell her what's going on either. so i can't really blame her. she cleaned her side of the room so i picked mine up a bit too..need to do laundry but no motivation. i'm dead tired even though all i did today was a little bit of math and watch a ton of greek.

fucking calc exam tomorrow. ssshhiittt. trying to do the review, it's fucking hard as balls. i have to pass this class i have to pass this class. seriously. i have to get at least a C. (MINIMUM.) gahh. same with chem. fuck my life. i'm just not good enough. i'm never motivated enough. all i ever want to do is sleep. i'm so pathetic.

new day.

stomach's growling. i WANT to eat. i love my morning oatmeal. but, my throat is killing. and swallowing is even worse. I can't really miss any of my classes today but i'm so tempted...at least i could then get some more calc studying in... plus it's snowing. seriously? like, alot. yesterday there was blue sky and sun. now it's probs freezing and it's snowing. and going outside in the snow isn't going to help me get any better. then again, is staying in bed? yes, maybe, so long as i can venture out to work out and get more tea.

i feel horrible. going to class would at least mean burning more calories..

ugh. dunno. shower.

gross.

i should just not let myself near the halfass. really. ugh. soup? unnecessary. sushi?! even more unnecessary. bet i gained at least two pounds. disgusted with myself. then chocolate milk? really? c'mon fatty, you weren't even hungry. that's just..beyond words. gross.

so i decided after mojo binge i was probably up to 1350. plus soup, making it 1430, half a poptart, call it 1500, thennn sushi?! wtf. 365CALORIES. EW. so 1865? that's like, four times what i should be at. okay so maybe i can "subtract" the 400 from the gym. so 1465? still. that's like, what my body needs to stay at the same weight. probably to gain weight, actually.

what the fuck. what a fucking fail of a day. and now i'm going to go to bed so all of those calories can turn into fat fat fat.

fuck me.

erghh.

worked out, burned 400cals. but thenn went to mojo and got a stirfry. okay, not bad, semi healthy. rice? not so much. the sauce? noo. then the michigan fruit crisp was delicious, but too many calories. thenn the handful of cereal? ugh. all my hard work for nothing.. :(

in other news, weighed myself pre-workout in tshirt and yoga pants.. 129. :) under thirty is good for me. goal is 127 by sunday. let's go.

gone going, gone

so. worked out every day since thursday. (well, TWICE on thursday. go me :) ) and didn't drink as much this weekend. didn't eat as much either, which is also fabuloso.

this morning had some green tea and apple cinnamon oatmeal with skim milk. not sure about this apple cinnamon business, it's really sweet. but the regular oatmeal was kinda bland...hm, maybe half-and-half? anyway. that puts me at like 200 calories for today, plus the end of a fiber one bar i found in my bag during psych (it was also apple and cinnamon. delish, need to buy a box or two. would it be freakish if i then cut them up into little mini bite size pieces?) and half a box of raisins at the beginning of french. i can feel a sore throat coming on and drinking water isn't helping..though i need to remind myself to drink more good ol' h20. thenn, just got back from my 4 hour block of classes and ate a string cheese, they're pretty good ones in terms of nutrition, so that puts me at like 200+40+70+70 which iiiss 380. not too shabby ! looked up what's for dinner here tonight, so as to avoid any full trays of random food. the soups aren't healthy which is upsetting, because my throat is causing a craving for a nice hot soup. bah. beef and broccoli stirfry will do i suppose. as longa s i stay away from the spatzel. which aren't even that good, i just eat them anyway. OH i can have celery :) and for dessert? baked apple sections.

YES. all planned out. then i'll prob be up late studying again..i'll let myself get a coffee (maybe another skinny caramel latte. deeelish) anddd a graham cracker or something? although the ones i have are 140cal per sheet. which isn't so great. hum. i shall work something out. rice cakes ! with..almond butter? it's better than peanut...ehh. maybe not. blueberries! there we go, perfecto.

weak.

too many cookies. too many chicken nuggets. too much too much too much. cereal? unneccesary. all the cookies? also not needed. i'm a fat pig, and it's disgusting. i wonder how my boyfriend can stand me. really. blech.

and my roommate? oh man. good to know i'm the FAT roommate as well as the UGLY one. guess it's no surprise that i'm the one with no friends, too.

didn't eat breakfast, save for a fiber one bar, and didn't eat dinner last night, but definitely compensated at lunch with chicken nuggets and pasta salad and salad and cereal and cookies. so gross. working tonight so no dinner. if i drink tonight, no beer. beer = calories = fat. disgusting.

got to finish this calc so i can pound myself at the gym as punishment for this.

goal for tomorrow: tiny breakfast. mini lunch. itsybitsy dinner.

if my portions are itsy bitsy then i'll be itsy bitsy.

i hate my body.

i'm back.

so. i'm back. back to 130lbs, and back to getting down to 115lbs. fuck yeah.

went to the gym before class and ellipticall-ed and stairmaster-ed. then went swimming tonight. still feel gross though. ate way too much in between. (i'm estimating 1500 so far today, and i haven't had dinner yet-- i'm supposed to get dinner with the bf. after his swim meet. aka he'll be ravenous. blahh.) just ate string cheese, 50cal, so i guess i'm at 1550. disgusting. starting 2468. except easing into it. like, i'll do 800 1000 1200 1400 1600. then repeat. 1600 is negotiable, that's my cheat day. i felt like i'd lost a couple pounds this weekend, then all i did since was lay in bed and eat and now i'm FAT. FAT FAT FAT. fatter than before.

no wonder i have so few friends.