fin.

i don't like posting twice in one day. but i don't want to start october on a negative note.

dinner was a disaster. i ate everything. we got fajitas, and i couldn't stop. at least it was fucking delicious. chicken and steak, so good, so good. tomorrow i get serious.

OCTOBER:

-liquid fast as frequently as poss.

-fruits and vegetables are good.

-no pasta, no bread, none of that shit.

-minimize alcohol, NO DRUNK-FOOD

-no processed shit.

-no meat.

i have to get brunch with my family on sunday for mother's birthday. besides that..nothing demands that i eat. hooray. i'm going to be so fucking thin someday. don't have a scale and haven't been to the gym/refuse to weigh myself at the gym. will get a scale this month. get paid next week i think..should've bought one today when i was in target. ah well. i already got weird looks for my purchases; nail polish, tiny plates, slimfast, and various juices. nothing else. bahaha. whatever.


I need a goal. goal for Nov 1. hmm. 110lbs. time to get motherfucking serious. i know i keep saying that but forreal.

liquid fastinggg.

well, everyone else is doing it. so let's GO. :) i'm super pumped.
i already had some mini cans of pineapple juice (yum) and i bout the same size low sodium v8..though i'm wishing i'd gotten a bottle of one of the fruity-v8's hah..hopefully it's an acquired taste. and a serving of vegetables for only 30cal, in a perfectly portable can? no complaints there. plus it's potassium-a-licious. woohooo. and low sodium:)

problem iiiiss.. i agreed a week ago to a double date tonight with my roommate and her fiancé (yeah, she's getting married. it freaks me out a bit. maybe i should mention i'm 18.) anyway, so we're going to this really good mexican/southwestern restaurant on main street. it's good food, but i'm dreading it. i've done so well today with only liquids, i don't want to ruin it..but i can't make an excuse. she's really excited. and i can't just blatantly not eat, at a restaurant, in front of the boy. erghhh. as long as i can avoid cheese/sour cream/beans/rice/meat i should be golden. wait..what's left? damn.

weee shall seee.

180.

one hundred eighty posts and i'm still not thin.

aka, time to get my act together.

this weekend = another suicide attempt. so they say. i suppose i could've tried to convince them i took a bottle of dexatrim merely to compensate for all the alcohol calories and subway my drunken self had consumed. but i didn't.

on the brighter side, i got a bid, and my official initiation into alpha gamma delta sisterhood is tomorrow night. i'd tell you what chapter, but that's far too much personal information. oh, sorry, surprise! my name isn't actually lily.

anyway. test in an hour and a half i need to study for, then five hours of work. and of course tomorrow's my early start day, and i have a presentation to prepare which i haven't even started yet. hmm.

ate more trail mix today, in other news, and among other snacks (heelloooo cashews). no wonder i'm so fat. at least i'll be on my feet all night at work. also stood in front of the 45 or so fro-yo toppings that i'm  more than welcome to sample, and surrounded by food and a manager who'll be motherly to the point of telling me to eat dinner, but whatever.

OH, and after this weekend's overdose, daddy wants his little girl to move home. fuck that.

round, round.

lately i feel like i'm constantly cycling between two states;

the first, i'm energetic and super productive and don't need to eat and feel great and get shit done and love being with boyfriend and don't worry about a thing in the world 'cause i'm losing weight and i'll be goddamn beautiful.

the second, i can't get out of bed because i'm exhausted regardless of how much i slept, i don't go to class because i don't see the point, because - well - i don't see the point in anything. i hate people, i hate my boyfriend, i hate myself most of all. and i don't give a fuck if i eat oreos and peanut butter 'cause let's face it, i just want to die.

today's one of the latter. maybe it wouldn't be if i hadn't scarfed a bad of trail mix chex mix last night. made myself stick to the 150cal serving as dinner..then of course after rock climbing had the other 300cal. i disgust myself.

fuck feeling like this.

woo.

hokay. here goes.

i have my cigarettes, my dexatrim, and my vyvanse. no more excuses. i have no one to answer to about my eating habits. gym/run everyday. no excuses.

i need to be thin.

hokay.

I've been totally awol lately I guess. And I mean, I haven't even been reading many blogs. Which saddens me. Shit's been crazy. Still living at home, still looking for a place to live..two places have fallen through now. Still very very depressed. Boyfriend is still being absolutely amazing. I'm so so thankful for having him and my parents. In other news..I decided to rush. My college campus has 15 sororities. Over the past two days I visited them all and probably talked to more girls in those cumulative 10 hours than I have in the past couple of years. Like woah. Tonight we found out which houses asked us back for second sets. I only got four. One of them, I have absolutely no intention of even considering...Alpha Gamma Delta. I actually had forgotten that the middle letter was gamma..I'm so used to thinking of them as alpha-grab-a-donut. Maybe that's bitchy. Oh wait, I don't care. It's absolutely true. YES, I know two lovely girls in AGD. However..they're both rather large. I don't want to be in AGD. Ha.
The others I got called back to are DG (loved 'em), Pi-Phi (liked 'em) and AEPhi (meh). Upset I didn't get invited back to Tridelt or ADPi. Tridelta is known for not taking sophomores, I guess, but ADPi..I had some of the best conversations with the girls there..it wasn't horribly awkward like some of the other houses. AEPhi on the other hand..there were three of us rushees to the one AEPhi and I felt like I sort of lay low as the other two girls talked. I don't know.
Basically between that, and a girl I was trying to sublet a room in a lovely apartment from telling me she doesn't want to live with me, I got home from work and sat and cried. Bawled. Boyfriend called, he came over. Of course. Thank god my parents love him now. I feel like everyone hates me. I literally said that to him and my mother. They tried to convince me otherwise. I'm not sure. Since ending up in hospital nothing's gotten any better. If anything, things are going downhill. I don't know how much more of this I can take. We all have a breaking point. I feel like mine's not far off.

The upside of not having many houses invite me back for rush is that I won't be talking to girls 'til 11:30 the next two nights. So I may actually be able to catch up on all my bio/biopsych/anthro reading. I'm behind already, and it's only the second week of class.

Another positive..I think I've decided on a major. BBCS - brain behavior and cognitive science. It's through the psych department (hrmm) but I'm excited. Neuroscience is nuts and so much organic chem, but bbcs...it sounds so so interesting, and my biopsych class is already my favorite by far. AAAAAALLLSOO boyfriend hooked me up with a job (hopefully) in the rec buildings on campus. It'd be super easy money and the shifts are mostly pretty short, so that's exciting.

Dead tired and can't miss class tomorrow. OH-- tried vyvanse today. I liked it. I've never tried adderall so it was a bit of a bizarre experience, but I didn't even think about food most of the day! Of course I caved and got fro-yo at work, but only a little:) In a vyvanse-fueled frenzy, I went to target and bought an oversized white tee and dexatrim max. SOO I'll start taking that tomorrow- maybe instead of vyvanse? I don't know. We'll see. Or else I'll just take both. Fuck it.

I think tomorrow morning I'll weigh myself. It's been a while. Think thin, ladies. xo.

vyvanse?

just got some vyvanse. weight loss, here i come.

rush is intense. i'm so dead.

ate way too fucking much just now. not gonna talk about it.

binge.

fuck.

fiber cereal with almond milk for breakfast. couple of blueberries. good.

whole wheat bagel, light cream cheese. not good.

cucumber and hummus. acceptable.

brie on a cracker. unacceptable.

3 HOMEMADE TAGALONGS. NO.

tomato basil soup and garlic bread. no no no.

half an apple. does it really matter at this point?


fuckkkkk.

redo.

back at home again. roommates kicked me out. fuck them, they're both cunts. don't want to talk to them again, nevermind be friends. fuck that. and fuck pathetic idiots who are that ignorant and self-centered. and goddamn judgemental. and if you need your parents to fight your battles for you and are going to hide from me when i'm in the apartment..? then that's just sad. i'm literally laughing about it. how could i ever want to live with them? ha. cunts.

anyway. living at home. for now. moved my stuff from the apt to here, at least. though some of it's in the car still and the rest is in the garage, aside from my laptop and some essentials (face wash, etc.). looking at an apartment tomorrow..bit pricey, and i'll be living with a stranger, but i'll have my own room. yesss. i need my space.

got dinner with boyfriend's family tonight. it was nice. it was normal. i ate. not too much, but enough for them to not say anything and to not look ungrateful or anything. it was a pita with veggies and a bit of melted cheese. came with chips and two pickles...ate a pickle and maybe four chips, and not all the pita. it was yummy though. after...ended up going to stucchi's for ice cream with boyfriend though. and in a moment of weakness i got peanut butter with chocolate flakes or something. i forget the actual name for it. it was delish. and in a waffle cone. and HUGE. and i ate the entire fucking thing. and i don't care.

saw my roommate from last year. she said i looked thinnerrr:) though i was wearing this new pair of jeans i got the other week, which make my legs look way better than they actually are. ah well. the other two pairs are mysteriously too big though? which i don't understand..the skinny ones are a 2 and were snug a week ago, and the flares are a 0 and fit fine. the straight ones i was wearing tonight are a 0 and were tight then..now they're perfect. i don't get my body. i feel and look fat and bloated. i've been eating whatever i want and not really eating legitimate meals. oh well. i eat when i'm hungry. if i'm not, i don't. i like it that way.

too cute. i absolutely fucking love my boyfriend. he's stood up for me and helped me through this bullshit. i owe him my life goddamnit. he's perfect. and i love him. and if you think that sounds stupid and pathetic and naive then blow me. i love him and that's all that matters.

beautiful. stay strong, ladies. xo.

too much.

i'm hungry. i don't want to eat. boyfriend and roommates called 911 last night. paramedics took me to hospital. took shots and swallowed advil. got upset and violent when boyfriend tried to stop me.

blood alcohol was nearly 0.3.

i'm sick of wanting to die.