not good enough.

this. this is what i want. at a minimum. she's gorgeous. i bet you she doesn't have a try to get people's attention, nevermind her BOYFRIEND'S attention. i bet if she was sick or just wasn't feeling well or was super stressed about absolutely EVERYTHING and just was super overwhelmed and wanted to for once just completely open up and tell him what's going on--- i bet he'd listen. i bet he'd be there in a heartbeat, rather than dropping off some herbal tea, giving her a kiss, then leaving to then go to the fucking hockey game where everyone adores him. well guess what. i fucking adore him. it just doesn't feel like it even counts for anything, which is the shittiest feeling. i mean but none of that's fair. if i was really sick, and not just like sore throat achey chest painful to breathe, he'd be here. ..right? yeah. if i told him i needed him to be, he would. if i told him i wanted to tell him everything, and that i was super overwhelmed..i'm sure he'd listen. granted, he'd tell me not to stress and just to relax and that i'm "doing great, babe" and just call me babe a million times because that always makes everything better..not. but yeah, he would. i'm sure. i think.         i hope.


binged a bit earlier. had plain oatmeal with raspberries and blueberries (and a pinch of splenda) for breakfast along with some tea and lots of water. then like an hour and a half later, i had graham crackers with almond butter and peanut butter. full of carbs sugar and fat. blah. thenn around 2:30 i had some leftover pasta which i mixed with salsa and shoved in the microwave..notsure why i thought that would taste good, it really wasn't as good as i hoped, and so i feel like it was a waste of carbs and calories. and sodium, come to think of it.

roommate made fun of me for not going to class. told her i wasnt feeling well and she told me to just take an advil. she doesn't have any idea. then again, that's not her fault, not like i tell her what's going on either. so i can't really blame her. she cleaned her side of the room so i picked mine up a bit too..need to do laundry but no motivation. i'm dead tired even though all i did today was a little bit of math and watch a ton of greek.

fucking calc exam tomorrow. ssshhiittt. trying to do the review, it's fucking hard as balls. i have to pass this class i have to pass this class. seriously. i have to get at least a C. (MINIMUM.) gahh. same with chem. fuck my life. i'm just not good enough. i'm never motivated enough. all i ever want to do is sleep. i'm so pathetic.