changes.

Starting a basically vegan diet. I barely eat meat anyway, I much prefer fish. (yes, I know vegans don't eat fish. let me finish) Pretty sure I'm lactose intolerant, so I'm eliminating dairy from my diet. Eggs..I can take them or leave them. SO - the dairy-avoidance seems like the perfect opportunity to begin this new diet without suspicion from my mother.

New favorites: cinnamon tea. mmmm. lemon water. more refreshing. "sassy water" (google it).

Work on eliminating binge foods/unhealthy/unnecessary food.

Work on thinspo scrapbook.

:)

binged.

and now I feel sick. Nearly strangled one of the kids I was babysitting today. [no, not really.] I need a real job.

FUCK trail mix and fuck chocolate covered raisins. Why does my mother insist on buying them, and why do I keep eating them?

Feel like crying. Must go to gym. Must avoid dinner. Feel so sick.

First football game is in six weeks. I must be 116 or less.

SO,

I'm baffled. I've let myself go, I let myself eat what I crave, when I crave it. It's nuts. I hate it. I made these [absolutely delicious] peanut butter chocolate oatmeal bars the other day and I'm...eating them. It's...mind boggling. Still keeping my food diary but still...why oh why..? I suppose the pb has protein and oatmeal is fibrous..but still. GAH !

In other news, I finally worked out again today. Felt so so so good to be covered in sweat. Love that feeling.

I've broken my plan of weighing myself only every five days (05, 10, 15, etc). It's messing with my mind. Yesterday I was 124, this morning 123, now 120? All from the same scale, in the same place. I'm so so confused. I feel bloated and gross and I definitely don't feel or look any thinner at alll than when I was weighing in at 124/125+. Ugh. Frustrated. Also, got dragged to panera with my brother. Of course, had my usual 280cal Strawberry Poppyseed Chicken Salad. Considered just picking the fruit off the top (fruit only takes about half an hour to digest !) and leaving the chicken, but I nibbled the bread, ate all the nuts, and some of the chicken. Plus a bit of lettuce. I dunno. I feel super-duper full right now and a little bloated, but..ah well. I think I'm somewhat allergic to something in my diet at the moment, and I really need to figure out what it is that makes me so bloated and constipated and miserable. Eating plenty of yogurt in the meantime, low-cal fat-free yogurt, mind you, to keep those digestive juices churning. Or whatever they do in there.

Tomorrow I'm babysitting, then hitting a few places downtown to inquire about jobs. Kaplan audition is next Wednesday, so I need to prepare for that a little. Otherwise..I dunno. Maybe see that one boy. Maybe. (Hopefully). Right now I'm off to see a couple of friends (enough with the moping and staying in bed and refusing to leave the house and biting the head off anyone who talks to me) then hopefully get some sleep tonight for once. We shall see.

THEN- return to staying well below 1000cal, preferably below 800cal, and exercising too. This starts tomorrow. This weight has got to go ! It's already nearly August ! Bit over a month before I'm moving out!! Which is super exciting, as then I'll have no one watching or commenting on how much or what I eat and no one forcing me to eat meals with them. Hooray ! And back to walking absolutely everywhere. I cannot cannot cannot wait. I just hope I've found a job before then.

That was excessively long and rather rambley, and now I have a bit of a headache so I'm going to go meet my friends and drink more water.

I know I'm back in my habit of not commenting, but I will later. Forreal. (ha.) OH, and on the subject of comments, all your helpful ones last week combined with the shit night I had on saturday has made me realize I shouldn't drink. It just fucks everything over, since my tolerance is still so high..too many cals. Bah.

motivation is what gets you started. habit is what keeps you going.

stay strong, lovelies. xx

meandering.

1165cal today. not good, not good.

didn't work out. seem to have lost motivation in all areas. also not good.

c'monnnn i was doing so well:(

xo.

wanting isn't enough.

Drank...alot last night. Way too much. I still feel so so shitty. And of course I'm bloated and water weight-y and just generally feel like shit. Haven't left the house today. Blah.

Thinspo of the day:
"fat girls just wanna have fun"

it just doesn't end. those thighs. oh my. and the arms.. it just doesn't stop. jiggle jiggle.

not posting today's intake, as I've been bingeing like mad. I ate BREAD. quiche. chips. three things i never ever eat. And I did. Plenty of each. Now I feel shitty, and have to eat dinner in like half an hour..not hungry whatsoever. Also I'm incredibly dehydrated. And constantly thirsty, well, more than my usual excessive thirst. Yet I don't want to drink since I feel fit to burst. Fuck this shit.

Fucked things up with the boy once again. Had an absolutely lovely day rockclimbing then went and ruined it by insisting he leave me alone and refusing a cab to instead walk the two miles across town to my house. At 2am. Fabulous idea, I know. Whatever.

Didn't work out today. Maybe that's part of why I feel so shitty. Fuck this.

sorryy..

I've been terrible at posting lately. Been keeping a food diary vigilantly though, just not posting it on here. Besides that, I feel like I have nothing to say really. Might be getting back together with my loverly ex. Fingers crossed, and I'm doing all I can to make it work.

I'll try to comment tomorrow and maybe find something more interesting to post.

think thin and stay strong. xo.

?

drank last night. three beers, 450 empty calories.
added to the 586 of food.. 1036cal. woohoo. burned 300 at the gym, maybe another 100 biking there and back. still.

then...weighed in at 121lbs today. wtf?

sorry for being completely MIA.
didn't have internet on the cape.

got to unpack then hit the gym. vacation made me fatter. xo.

running in place.

So much to do and not enough time to do it in. I'm leaving for the East Coast in 17 hours and I haven't even thought about packing yet..and my father's a complete psycho about packing etc. Fuck fuck fuck. Also, when I woke up this morning my right eye was swollen shut and covered in crusty crap. Now it still hurts and is super red and swollen. Going to the doctor in an hour. Hope they don't insist on weighing me, I'm not in the mood to find out.
So, leaving means that I'll be even more behind on all your blogs than I already am. I'm hoping to read a bunch tonight before bed, so hopefully I can catch up then..but the next ten days I have no idea how much/how little privacy I'll have. I'm freaking out already about the fact that I'll have to eat absolutely every meal with my parents and there isn't going to be a way to skip meals without them knowing. Freaking out hardcore. Alsoo this weekend we're going to be eating on the road alot. And we're staying with some friends tomorrow night so I'll have to eat whatever they make..at least once we get to the Cape we'll be in a house so I can have complete control over at least breakfast and most lunches. Oh man.
Food today's been within reason. Still sick so still not going for a run. Intake's been really good though. I need to get back into the habit of drinking green tea for breakfast!

intake;

light&fit yogurt -80

1/4cup cornflakes -25

10 blueberries -8

apple -72

slice of peach -6

3multigrainchips w. hummus -46

3 cherries -12

turkey tenderloin -56

lettuce/cucumber/tomato -12

2 driedapricots & 6 craisins -28

3 bites fiberone toasterpastry -25

subtotal; 370cal

Anddd, I'm not even hungry. :) The last six items were all my snack-ish sort of thing after getting home from babysitting. Yeah, need to stop doing that all-over-the-place nibbling thing. Ah well, I still am amazed I'm below 400cal still. Getting dinner with a friend, I'll pull for Panera so I can get my beloved Chicken Strawberry Poppyseed Salad. YUMMM. 280cal for the whole thing. 230 without pecans. Hmm.. ORRR for 250cal I could do half the salad and half the garden veg soup. AHHH the possibilities..and I love that they now have the calorie amounts on the menu!

Got to go and sort out some clothes..ergh. stay strong, I'll read/comment later. xo.