?

drank last night. three beers, 450 empty calories.
added to the 586 of food.. 1036cal. woohoo. burned 300 at the gym, maybe another 100 biking there and back. still.

then...weighed in at 121lbs today. wtf?

sorry for being completely MIA.
didn't have internet on the cape.

got to unpack then hit the gym. vacation made me fatter. xo.

running in place.

So much to do and not enough time to do it in. I'm leaving for the East Coast in 17 hours and I haven't even thought about packing yet..and my father's a complete psycho about packing etc. Fuck fuck fuck. Also, when I woke up this morning my right eye was swollen shut and covered in crusty crap. Now it still hurts and is super red and swollen. Going to the doctor in an hour. Hope they don't insist on weighing me, I'm not in the mood to find out.
So, leaving means that I'll be even more behind on all your blogs than I already am. I'm hoping to read a bunch tonight before bed, so hopefully I can catch up then..but the next ten days I have no idea how much/how little privacy I'll have. I'm freaking out already about the fact that I'll have to eat absolutely every meal with my parents and there isn't going to be a way to skip meals without them knowing. Freaking out hardcore. Alsoo this weekend we're going to be eating on the road alot. And we're staying with some friends tomorrow night so I'll have to eat whatever they make..at least once we get to the Cape we'll be in a house so I can have complete control over at least breakfast and most lunches. Oh man.
Food today's been within reason. Still sick so still not going for a run. Intake's been really good though. I need to get back into the habit of drinking green tea for breakfast!

intake;

light&fit yogurt -80

1/4cup cornflakes -25

10 blueberries -8

apple -72

slice of peach -6

3multigrainchips w. hummus -46

3 cherries -12

turkey tenderloin -56

lettuce/cucumber/tomato -12

2 driedapricots & 6 craisins -28

3 bites fiberone toasterpastry -25

subtotal; 370cal

Anddd, I'm not even hungry. :) The last six items were all my snack-ish sort of thing after getting home from babysitting. Yeah, need to stop doing that all-over-the-place nibbling thing. Ah well, I still am amazed I'm below 400cal still. Getting dinner with a friend, I'll pull for Panera so I can get my beloved Chicken Strawberry Poppyseed Salad. YUMMM. 280cal for the whole thing. 230 without pecans. Hmm.. ORRR for 250cal I could do half the salad and half the garden veg soup. AHHH the possibilities..and I love that they now have the calorie amounts on the menu!

Got to go and sort out some clothes..ergh. stay strong, I'll read/comment later. xo.

more than anything.

I want to be thin. More than anything. I will lose this weight.
Stood in Target contemplating hydroxycut, dexatrim, jillian michaels, diurex, and another that I forget the name of. Didn't have the balls to chance any of them. Has anyone had positive results with diet pills?

shameful intake;

plain yogurt -80

cornflakes -30

nectarine(70)&strawberry(2) -72

craisins(12)&dried apricot(8) -20

fiber one bar -140

watermelon -46

cheddar bunnies -8.4

wheat bread/cracker -60

hummus/cheese sauce -40

tomato soup -75

multigrainbread(100)&fatfreemozzarella(45) -145

hummus -15

baby carrots -24

cherry tomatoes -6

banana bread ~ 260

total; 1021.4

Not as good as I would've liked, but I did have a fair amount of fruit/veg and I'm sick. So, whatever. Trying to work on getting more sleep, and doing my exercises faithfully before bed. Need to work on doing abs etc daily in the mornings though, and can't wait to shift this respiratory infection so I can go back to running. Watching Supersize vs. Super Skinny on youtube nonstop, even though I've seen them all already. Ah well. If anyone finds the rest of season two (besides ep 1&8) lemme knowww:) Also watched the first episode of Huge on abc family on Monday. Hmm. Wish I could go to fat camp.

Goal for tomorrow is to get back down to that goddamn 800calorie limit, while limiting variety (my downfall) and limiting freetime at home (my other downfall). Let's gooo.

big.

this is how i feel today.

zero energy, bloated and full, binged, didn't go for a goddamn run. i hate myself and i feel like shit. goodfuckingnight.

one day at a time.

Sunny evenings are so beautiful. They make it all better, especially after a day of feeling like a whale at the pool.  Now I'm back in clothes than can cover some of the imperfection at least.

intake;

80 -light&fit yogurt

50 -special k blueberry

20 -5 cherries

12 -iced coffee w. milk

65 -6 tortilla chips

300 -quesadilla (wtf)

47 -boiled egg white, half yolk

142 -chicken breast

5 -lettuce/cucumber

15 -5 cherry tomatoes

25 -mustard/balsamic vinegar/lemon juice

25 -coleslaw (ugh)

6 -2 strawberries

total; 792cal

My goal was to stay under 1000, and ideally under 800. So, I'm definitely pleased. Baby steps. Get lower and lower everyday, and so shall my weight. Went for a run earlier and according to my Nike+ thing, I burned 143cal. Not too shabby considering it was over 80F. Spent the day at the pool, felt so awfully huge, but being there with Ben made it better. I care about him far too much. And I don't even care. Ah well. I'm pissed about that goddamn quesadilla I ate at the pool though, not gonna lie. But I must stay positive.

Saturday I leave for Cape Cod..including the driving time I'll be gone a solid ten days. I'm getting worried - yes, I can go for runs along the beach in the morning and whatnot, but I'll also be around my parents the whole time, and there's the problem of eating out too..we'll most likely end up going places that aren't chains and therefore won't have nutritional info on their websites. I'm probably going to make a "safe list" of things I can get at various fast-food-y type places on the way as I don't know where my parents will decide we stop. Also, on the bright side, there shouldn't be too much sitting around unless we just go to the beach. Also, I'll be running around after an adorable 5yr old girl, not just chillin' with the old folks.

I'm coming up with a plan for the next month. I would love to be below 120 by August. Today I weighed in at 126.  That's definitely doable. Ideally, I want to be 118 by August, as then if I can lose another eight before September, I'll be at a beautifully slender 110 for the fall:) At which point I'll be moving into my apartment and will have no one telling me when to eat! :) Hoorayy.

Sorry, long post, lots of love to you if you read it:)
xo.

this weekend was a joke.

Well, well, well. I am a pig. England's out of the world cup. Wooo. Ugh.

intake;

200 -french-fucking-toast

150 -eggs

40 -blueberries

12 -raspberries

60 -bread/butter

70 -bread

5 -pepper

48 -chicken

36 -cheese

3 -cucumber

8 -mustard

50 -yogurt

100 -choc raisins

30 -choc chips

6 -raspberries

110 -panera veg soup

140 -panera chx salad

100 -panera baguette

100 -fat free ice cream

50 -special k

18 -raspberries

total; 1336

Why oh why is my intake increasing and increasing. I need to be far below 1000cal. This week...no more ''trail mix''. Lots more veg and fruit. Cucumber is my new best friend. I think I'm getting sick but that's no excuse. I need to get up off my ass. Ugh.

i feel fat today.

Went rock climbing today. Wooo. Then..ate. And drank. And sat, and watched tv. All day. Ugh. An hour of rockclimbing burns around 600 calories, one site said. So, we were there probably an hour and a half, alternating climbing and belaying, so say I burned.. 400cals doing that?

intake;

85 -1/3 clif bar

120 -greek yogurt

30 -special k

~500? -dibellas sub [multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mustard, tomato, lettuce]

220 -bud light

105 -banana

80 -wheat bread

60 -peanut butter

65 -apple

50 -plain yogurt

total; 1315

too much, too much.

supersize.

Babysat today. Intake wasn't too bad, I suppose. Haven't taken a shit in two days though. That's annoying. Bloated feeling's mostly gone, however, so hoorah.

Latest hate; my grotesque fat thighs. Those need to go, asap, as well as my fat chicken-wing arms.

Plan for tomorrow. Well, later today, I suppose;
-wake up 7.30, go for a run
-shower, etc, eat yogurt. grab diet coke.
-meet kids at the pool 9.30, entertain them.
-avoid lunch. drink water.
-home 2.30. applesauce (50cal).
-dinner..may be unavoidable.
-ryan's goodbye party? alcohol is too many cals :(

look at this link. absolutely disgusting. kudos if you made it past the first minute and a half. ugh.

intake;

80 -yogurt

40 -dry oats

100 -whole wheat wrap

5 -mustard

5 -tomato

70 -cheese

50 -turkey

70 -watermelon

50 -chips/hummus

120 -meatloaf

25 -carrots

15 -hummus/heinz

5 -tomato/lettuce

75 -bread

50 -special k

20 -blueberries

50 -yogurt

90 -choc covered cherries

total; 920cal. 

i want a body to die for.

I am still grotesquely bloated. My ribcage has expanded, I'm sure of it. I feel dehydrated and nauseous and fat and bloated and huge and disgusting. I am a beached whale.

I'm getting fatter. I'm also sure of that. I cannot look in the mirror anymore without getting an overwhelming urge to just run down to the kitchen, grab a sharp serrated knife, and just start cutting the fat off in huge pieces. Like a butcher hacking fat of a carcass. I am disgusting.

I'm not eating today. I am allowed fruits and veggies, in the tiniest amounts. That is all.

where'd all the good people go?

My best friend's currently filing a restraining order against her ex, and probably has to testify against him in court.

My friend's father was taken to hospital this morning with chest pains.

A mother and daughter from my town were killed in a car accident yesterday.

My friend's house was struck by lightning and burned to the ground last friday.


So why the fuck am I complaining about any aspect of my life? Because..I don't know. I'm horribly depressed since I don't even have a fucking job right now. And that's just made worse by how much I hate how I look. I can't handle all this shit right now with just proves how fucking weak I am, considering my ex isn't trying to hurt me and isn't a manipulative bastard, my family is all safe and alive, and I have a roof over my head.

I want to hit fast forward. Now. And skip forward to August, and not have eaten between now and then, and be thin and beautiful. I can't go back to school fat like this. I just can't.

la la la.

brother found this. showed it to mother. hooray.

aka, deleted it, and now moved it to a new URL.

started a new blog, too, though not sure how to tell you about that one at risk of my brother finding this and then finding that one. if that makes sense.

basically i have no job, no self-control, no class, no nothing.

fuck me.

big isn't beautiful.

let's start with a pictchaa of me. [warning, you may want to avert your eyes..]

blechhh.

That was Saturday morning, moody as hell after being fired for a shitty reason, I refused to get out of bed. And so I lay there in all my fat glory. So lazy. And then took pictures, to just show myself how much work I have to do. I seem to keep forgetting, keep slipping. Hmm.

For example.. this morning? I got up, 8.10, got angry that my brother decided to spend 45min in there (what the fuck), and had four blueberries and a spoonful of lowfat yogurt as my breakfast. Drank some water, then hopped on my bike to head to class. Now, I just mapped it out online, and apparently it's 2.5mi from my house to the lecture hall. I'd say a 5mile bikeride in the morning is a fairly good wakeup. I was supposed to meet up with a friend after class to grab coffee and chat, but I got out early and she didn't answer her phone, so I headed home. Home, to a pantry and fridge and cupboards; all full of food. . . and temptation.

I started with a small bowl of special k. Starving and too lazy to measure, I threw a small handful of dried cranberries and an equal amount of blueberries on top and poured on the skim milk. It was deliciouss. Washed that down with a glass of iced coffee, and I was set. Oh, until I stood at the kitchen counter hacking off pieces of the lemon poppyseed . . loaf my mother had made. Then, an hour later, sat at the table with a bag of tortilla chips and tub of salsa. Fortunately the chips are 150cal for 15 of 'em. I know I didn't go over fifteen. The salsa..10cal per ounce. So call that one 170cal total. The lemon poppyseed..call that 200? The cereal I know isn't more than 100, plus milk call it 180. Plus fruit, make it 250. This puts me at.. 620cal. Disgusting. More than I wanted to consume for the day. Pretty sure I can get away with just salad for dinner though, and going for a killer workout with my friend after I get out of class...which is where I am now. According to fitday.com, my biking burned me about 240cal. I estimated low, so there we go.

620in - 240out = 380.

fair enough.

"skinny is sexy, big isn't beautiful.."

late-night-update. Burned another 270cal through cardio at the gym, some more through strength training of course. Consume 1/4 flatout wrap with .5cup tuna, tiny bit of mustard, and a leaf of lettuce before I went. Dinner was (all chopped up small) 1 big leaf romaine lettuce, 4 red cherry tomatoes, 4 yellow cherry tomatoes, bit of cucumber, and some bits of chicken, with a splash of lemon juice, balsamic vinegar, and pepper. Also had 5 baby carrots and a tbsp of hummus. Dessert was .5cup lowfat yogurt, splash of cinnamon, and two strawberries chopped up. Oh, and a few pieces of special K mixed in. Yum. Shall add up those cals in the morning. xo.

typical.

Well, okay. I fucked up. Majorly, this time.
I made progress. I got happy. I got my shit together. We started talking more. Hanging out. I got fired, he told me it'd be okay. Then..I fucked it all up. Threw it all away. Went and slept with him again, apparently relying on him to drive me home since she ditched us at the cantina. So stupid. He must've seen the giant hickey on my neck. Obviously saw that I was a complete mess.
A mess. That's what I am. Maybe that's all I'll ever be.
Maybe there is some kind of . . . fate, d e s t i n y , thing, going on in life, and I'm just not meant to have my shit together, or to be with him, or to be happy or normal or balanced or okay in any way. I don't know.
I'm reading Prozac Nation, and at one point Elizabeth Wurtzel is saying how she wished, wished, wished that her problem was . . . an addiction, something real..something..f i x a b l e. tangible. Whatever.
But no. Emotional, mental, chemical, spiritual? imbalances..you can't see them, hell there's no proof whatsoever. So how can you fix what you can't even see.

intake..

150 -tuna

20 -balsamic vinegar

15 -cucumber

10 -lettuce

65 -pasta/veg

150 -chips

24 -salsa

55 -guacamole

20 -yogurt

10 -cranberries

total; 519cal

...

..I just got fired.


what the eff.

love the way you lie.

intake:

200 -yogurt

40 -peach

70 -apple

35 -probiotic drink

24 -2 lime tortilla chips

10 -cucumber

35 -hummus

subtotal: 414cal 

10 -lettuce

10 -cucumber

15 -tomato

40 -egg

130 -salmon

65 -bread

15 -butter

20 -balsamic vinegar

total: 719cal

i want.

thiss..

intake today:

110cal -lowfat vanilla yogurt

60cal -fresh blueberries

120cal - .5 spinach/black bean enchilada

350cal -leftover veg lasagna

200cal -banana bread

50cal -peanut butter

100cal -dried cranberries

total: 990.

it's only 16.00. This is not okay. No more food for me today, and I need to get off my fat ass and go for a run. Then do abs 'til I die.

Arms and legs are still sore from rockclimbing yesterday, on the bright side, and tomorrow I'm not letting myself get away with driving to class..it'll be not too warm but chilly out in the morning so no excuse not to bike. I got my shift covered at work tonight, too, so I can actually maybe fall asleep before 2.00? That'll be a first in..I don't know when. Goal is to go to bed at or before eleven, then read/journal until I drift off into a peaceful slumber. Actually, make it ten-thirty. There we go.

I'm coming down with the sickness my parents have both had the past two days and I don't like it. Horrible congestion and a runny nose and headache and fatigue are not my favorite things to deal with when I'm already on my period. Ah well. I can use this time to be productive..plans: return dead fish to petco..hopefully get a replacement.. get gas, work on that pillow, study stats. Oh, and work on thinspo journal, look for thinsporational music. any suggestions? 

xo.

here's the plan.

alright. let's get serious.

• one-a-day with energyy (1x/day) and mega-t (2x/day) : have to eat a little something to not get nauseous.

beverages:

• coffee.
• tea.
• water.

hungry? no. alternatives:

• read/work on thinspo journal
• read Prozac Nation
• study stats
• prettythin.com
• read blogs
• look at thinspo
• try on clothes

definite no-no's

• bingeing
• eating out of boredom
• eating feelings

rewards:

• new clothes
• tattoo
• piercing

punishments

• fasting
• cutting
• burning
• purging.

00.28

I wish I possessed the willpower to consume nothing but water, green vegetables, red fruits, and alcohol. Nothing else. That sounds lovely. Maybe a little bit of frozen yogurt once a week. Nothing else. Going for days at a time on nothing but water. And the occasional piece of cucumber.
I wish.

14.39

.5cup tomato soup -50cal
.5cup chicken broth -10cal

assorted nuts/dried fruit - 200cal

iced coffee with a touch of cinnamon -5cal

few pieces of sugarfree gum - 5cal

chocolate-fucking-croissant -400cal? ugh.

total: 670cal.

10.28

binged after work last night. aka, 23.30 binge. blech.
waterfasting today.
bye.

12.16

Today I was supposed to work 12-5. I got sent home at 12. Damn you memorial day..I need money! But ah well, it's gorgeous out so I'm hopefully going to go play tennis with my madre then lay out and hit the pool. Yes yes yes. Mongolian tonight with some girls for my friend's birthday, I always eat FAR too much when I go, but it's delicious. And I can make it super healthy, I know it. Woo!
Yesterday mama asked me where I want to be in ten years. I said in Paris. Still not sure what I'll be doing there, though. I was reading my friend's vogue-y french magazine the other day and realized I can actually read most of the articles and understand them. Yesss. Also went to pool with boy from work yesterday. He's realllly cute, as I told him Friday when I was a little drunksies.
Anywho, didn't eat breakfast, then ate a chocolate chip cookie when I got to work without even thinking. Ah well. Off for a game of tennis! Hooray for having a tennis court behind my house. :)
having yogurt for lunch maybe with a little fruit then nothing 'til mongo. YESS.
xo.

relapse.

back again. still around 124-125ish.
got ridiculously sunburned today. ouch :(
time to get down lowww. weight-wise. it's nearly fucking june. what do i have to show for it? fat fat fat.

kay. gonna get some sleep.

so this is goodbye?

I'm taking a break from this. I'll probably be back at some point. Just figured I'd put it out there..I need some time to myself and to figure my life out a bit, and I'm not completely sure this is helping. I started a more public blogging space, feel free to read if you like. I'm sorry, I won't be reading your blogs either. I just need to clear my head. I don't know.

my wordpress: la vita e bella

I am a fat pig.

And that is all, for now.
If only I could exercise while I sleep...ah, that would be a dream come true. As I can no longer hold my eyes open..goodnight.xo

lose yourself.

fell asleep at 2.30. woke up at 7.30. 9-11, class. 11.19, already in the library computer lab, about to get some work done. who am i? after this, home, briefly, maybe a run or some time on the elliptical before showering, off to class again, then straight to work. from work..i'm going to bed. i miss sleep.

even more than i've missed these hunger pains. i feel so strong. i can do this.

beautiful disaster.

Well, my parents read this yesterday. Someone sent a postcard addressed to my family, with the URL of my blog on one side, and 'need I say more?' on the other. So naturally, they checked it out. I walked into the kitchen and saw it on the counter and knew it wasn't going to be good. The conversation that ensued was pretty rough. "are you fasting?" "do you eat?" "why do you think you're fat?"
"I just want to get back in shape, mum, that's all"
...
Somehow they didn't believe that. Though I made a point that this is mine, and that they have to let me be sometimes. They're super worried about me, but I promised them I'm going to be healthy about it. Which really isn't too far off being right - I mean I'm eating alot more than I used to, it's just mostly fruit and veg and nuts. Also I'm eating three meals with a couple of snacks. Yes, I want to cut back some more, but I definitely want to keep up this eating every 3-4 hours thing.
Anyway, so there's plenty of tension between me and my parents right now. They obviously freaked out. But they're just going to keep an eye on me, so they say, so we shall see.
Definitely made me rethink some of the things I've been telling myself and doing though. So change shall be coming.

love love. xo

i can see you starting to break

yesterday, after work, cheesecake. ugh. then, home, to pasta. double ugh. this was 11pm, mind you. disgusting. i ate so much, all day fucking long. i'm on my period, fine, but that's no excuse. i'm off to the gym.

not getting dinner with him, i guess. dunno. picked a fight with him last night and told him to fuck off. wow, i really never do change, do i. goddamnit. whenever someone actually cares i just push them away. whatever. maybe seeing rob today. i hope. i dunno.

biking to the gym then running until i can't walk. then doing abs and weights until sitting up aches and i can't more my arms.

nonononono.

NO.

I've been so weak. For so long. Since I've come home. Tonight, I went out specifically to buy chocolate covered raisins. What. The. Fuck. Also baked some Fiber One muffins. 140cal and 2.5g fat in each one. Perfect for a meal, I could add some yogurt and it'd be fab. Also, they're delicious. How do I know? Because I ate two, tonight. After a spoonful of ice cream, a handful of chocolate raisins, a handful of honey roasted peanuts, two dried apricots. That's all after dinner, which was pasta with roasted red pepper, broccoli, and salmon. And salad, oh, and bread. All I wanted was the salmon, but it was all baked together. The bread was just me being weak. Lunch? Noodles and co. Small med salad, 150cal. Plus chicken. Basically 350cal after that. Ugh. Then, mocha light frapp from starbucks. 100cal. Half an apple with a little lowfat yogurt. call it 60cal. Oh, and breakfast this morning, cereal with blueberries. 160cal.

950. plus snacks. call it 1200. plus dinner. call it 1800. blech.

what the fuck, over.

The only excuse I have is that I just started my period. In that case..okay. I can let today slide - I did run 1.5mi and do some abs. Not much, but better than nothing. Also resisted buying disgustingly deliciously fattening foods when I was at target today. Bah.

Tomorrow's going to be [another] new day. There we go. Breakfast? Muffin, .25 cup yogurt. Blueberries. Should come out around 200cal total. Lunch? AAHH, have to meet two friends downtown. Now off to look up where I can get something under 300cal. Dinner? I'll be at work. I'll grab some fruit or veg or something between coming home after class and going out to work. After work? Granola bar, or else some fruit. Maybe ice cream if I haven't snacked all day. (YES, I know that's still weakness. But fuck it. If I'm going to eat little, when I do eat I'm going to eat what I want. That's fucking shitty logic at best. Whatever.)

So frustrated. So many suicidal thoughts last night. Not good, not good. I need control. I refuse to start cutting again. I want another tattoo purely to feel the pain of it. Just to feel something. Or else get something piercing, I don't know. I refuse to let myself start cutting again. It's just too hard of a habit to kick, and too hard to hide. Especially with Summer just around the corner. I'm so frustrated with everything right now. I feel hollow inside. I know I'm not the only one to ever feel like this or whatever but that doesn't make any fucking difference. I don't know. I don't care. So sick of everything.

Had lunch with Rob today. That was interesting. I dunno. The whole situation is just weird. I don't like it. I hate it. It makes me hate him which only makes me hate myself even more, though I wasn't sure that was really possible. Ah well. We shall see. I suppose. Dinner on Thurs. Also nervous about that.
1. I don't go on dates. Ever. Last guy to take me to dinner? Rob. After we'd basically been together for ages. Before that? Considering I can't remember, there might not have been any. I'm freakin' out.
2. I don't know where we're going. Therefore I have no control. I won't be able to look up nutritional stuff online beforehand. Fuck.
3. So if it's like a date, then that means there's some sort of obligation or commitment attached, right? Like, okay, I'm not expected to sleep with the guy, but then it's like.. I owe him? I have to then like, do it again? I have to wanna be with him? So confused. Ughh.

So, I'll take control. Time to strengthen my mind. I shall be thin. It will happen. Then I'll be gorgeous and loved and wanted and maybe even envied. It's all I want.

beautiful blogger?

woahhh. woah woah woah, Sunflowerr, whhhaaatt? Inspirational? Me? That alone has given me the motivation I needed to get up early for that run tomorrow morning. And to not eat after it!

Well, I suppose I'll start with seven things about me..

1. I just ate a granola bar and so feel like an absolute failure. Sad face.

2. Sometimes I can't get myself to accept how many calories are in something, even when I can see the number in front of me - I just seem to have this mental block on it and it doesn't register. It lets me just ignore the fact that it's horrible for me. And I hate it. This usually happens with like, chocolate and peanut butter and such. Or those dining hall cookies at college. OH man oh man.

3. Instead of coming home after working on stats at the library, I drove around in a huge circle, twice, contemplated driving off a bridge, then sat on a curb with a friend and cried while he talked. All in all rather random. 

4. Rob's back from the Bahamas and I absolutely hate it. I'm supposed to get lunch with him tomorrow. He wants to go to noodles and co, of course. I'm having a small med salad (150cal) with chicken (150cal?) and we're going around noon. Plenty of time to burn off the rest of those calories. 

5. My room is a total mess and I had to move a pile of clothes the size of an adult cow off my bed in order to get into it tonight. Ugh. Yet, of course, no energy or motivation to do anything about it. None of those clothes look good on my whale-sized body.

6. I go to a Big Ten school. One of the best in the country. I almost failed out my first semester. I'm half waiting for a letter in the mail to tell me I've lost my national merit scholarship. Second semester I got a B- in honors calc 3. And I was ECSTATIC. Which makes me hate myself more. I don't get B's. Ever. I'm so fucking stupid.

7. Saturday I ran headfirst into a wall at a club, trying to evade a creepy guy who had been buying my friend and I drinks. Should've seen it coming that he was going to try and leave with us, I guess. Ah well, you live and you learn. It made for a good story at work the next day.

Those were totally uninteresting. Anywho. Now I have to award it to 7 more people. I realize that half of you are probably like, who's that?, but I always read even if I don't comment..promise:)

1. Sunflowerr - I know this is like your millionth one, but..I couldn't not give it to you. I hope you're still on for that race to 120!! Your posts inspire and motivate me like you wouldn't believe. :)

2. Stick Thin - I love the thinspo you post, and the tshirts you make, and how pretty you are, and how inspirational your posts are. I like to ramble. Plus I love the picture at the top of your blog, so so much.

3. 1:10am - The way you write is lovely and I can't help but love your attitude. The links on your blog are the best sites everr.

4. Pretty Wreck - I love how straight-forward you are and how detailed all your goals etc are. So so inspiring. Also, your weight loss ticker astounds me everrry time I see it. WOAH GIRL.

5. Katieeeee - Your matter-of-fact and specific daily food intake log inspires me and makes me put DOWN that bag of almonds I was going to snack on nearly everytime. The thinspo you post is amazingg, someday we'll be just like those beautiful skinnies.

6. Anna.Maria - Love love love reading anything you write. You always have plenty of exclamation points and justt put a smile on my face.

andd..7. zettte - One of the first bloggers I started following way back when. You're going through alot right now, but I know you'll pull through. You inspire me to take, well, baby steps - just one day at a time and we'll win in the end. :)

I'm exhausted. Ate alot today, including Jimmy Johns, ugh, but also went for a run and walked around downtown for a while. Should be okay. Going for a run tomorrow, too. Need to make it a daily habit:)

xo.

nutella-stuffed-french-toast

foods under 100cal

NSFT was most definitely not under 100cal. But, it was delicious, and a friend had made it for me, so I couldn't tell him no. Had a glass of milk with it..weirdest thing ever. I never drink milk. I definitely never drink milk with a meal. Actually the only thing I ever drink is water. Then alcohol, and whatever I'm mixing that with, of course.

Still taking the green tea supplements. Dunno if they help that much. We'll see.

Realized I've not really posted pictures of myself on here. Should I? hmm.

rainy day.

Soo, I don't think the scale in my parent's bathroom is very accurate. Might see about buying a new one, I just don't want to spend too much though. We shall see, I suppose. Anyway, this morning it told me I was 123. Which I'm skeptical of considering how I was eating pretty much continuously yesterday. Although, I suppose beside the chocolate covered raisins most of it was healthy. Lots of fruit and veg, plus some tuna.. could've been worse.
Anywho. Got work 12-5 today, so won't be eating then. Just made myself a smoothie with a banana, 3 strawberries, a handful of blueberries, and about half a cup or so of plain low fat yogurt. YUMM :) with a really small slice of wheat bread with a tiny bit of olivio spread and two dried apricots. It was delicious, and now I'm sipping on green tea before I hop in the shower. Might take an apple with me for at work, then when I get home nothing 'til dinner with the fam around 6.15. woooo.
Bonfire tonight, hopefully, though it's a bit chilly out and meant to rain most of the day :( not pleased. ah well. otherwise there's some sort of lot party downtown with a few small local bands playing, so might stop by that.

I have new followers? Again?! HII! :) tehe. thanks for reading:)
xo.

sixth.

today's thinspo: supersize vs. superskinny. here

1pm. 35cal probiotic yogurt drink. cup of green tea. not hungry.

cinco de mayo.

So, I think I'm about where I was a year ago. WOOHOO. Less muscle, of course, since a year ago I was fresh out of water polo season, but still:) happy day.
Off to bike to class. xo.

"the mega way"

Bought MEGA-T green tea supplements today at target. Yeah, it was rather impulsive, yeah I contemplated the diet pills on the next shelf, but I figured hey- $4 for a two week supply? Why the fuck not. If nothing else, it should have antioxidants in it. Those can't hurt. So we'll see.
Also, just read the booklet. It has a suggested 14day complete food intake plan, as well as some goofy-looking exercise plan. Baha. We shall see, we shall see.

In other news, Kiera Knightley is absolutely gorgeous.

..and skinny.

fourth.

yesterday I was down to 124. this morning, back up to 127. Then again, last night was beertastic and also bingetastic. I don't like eating when I drink buut I had to stay sober enough to drive. So I did. Blah. :(
Last day before my spring class starts, so off to run errands all day. La la la.
think thin, lovelies. xo

second, 2.0

My posts lately have been severely lacking. My self-control has been equally lacking. I don't know what the deal with J is. That bothers me. I miss R. That also bothers me. I was watching Greek yesterday (guilty pleasure, please hold the laughter) and there was this episode where Rusty can't figure out if he can be just friends with this girl Jordan he has feelings for or not. Cappie tells him, he can't have the whole bag of chips. He can have just one, every day, but no more, or just have nothing. Which would you rather have? Once R asked me, "so it's all or nothing, huh?" and I didn't know what to say. In my mind I was screaming, "yes,  yes, YES", but I knew he'd go with nothing. I can't do that, I can't imagine not having him in my life. Yet I get so jealous that he hangs out with other girls and whatever. It hurts. Anyway. I figured J just wanted to screw around and nothing else. Yet now I feel like I was like, inviting myself over and imposing myself on him. Which maybe isn't true, but still. That's not cool. Plus now I feel like to  him I'm not even worth that - how the fuck is THAT supposed to make me feel? Like, just being someone to fuck around with, to hang out with, yeah fine I can deal with that. It's not like I expected or wanted anything to come of it. But still. Not okay.
S, meanwhile..actually, may be reading this. So we'll leave it at that.

I found this tumblr just now, and I absolutely love the pictures: 112istheperfectweight

I also, before finding the site yet after finding out my plans for tonight fell through, and J didn't want to see me, consumed ice cream and cookie dough. Blech. I don't want to elaborate on the other disgustingness I've consumed today. The pure volume of it all disgusts me. Yet, I did go to the gym, and I am definitely going for a run tomorrow morning and doing abs. I set up my nike+ thing again, and set goals for myself for speed, frequency, distance, calories burned, etc. So there we go.

Started considering Navy/Air Force/Army ROTC. Problem is, I'm not a citizen. Plus, I don't know which I'd rather join anyway. I think I could do Air Force, possibly without having to become a citizen, because I just want to do the ROTC thing, I'm not trying to get them to pay for my tuition. My parents can cover that, I don't need it, and I'm not going to try and get them to..I just want a chance to give back to this country. Plus, shooting a gun? Yeah, I'd be cool with that. Getting in the best shape of my life? YES. Possibly either sailing or FLYING A PLANE?! yes. yes yes yes.

But I don't know. We shall see. In the meantime, I'm going to just focus on me. My summer work schedule starts tomorrow, and I need to get my books for the stats class I'm taking which starts Wednesday. Supposed to be getting lunch with friends both tomorrow and Tuesday. Damnit, why does everyone I know always want to eat? Ah well. It'll be nice to catch up. And I'll have work for five hours tomorrow night, that'll burn calories, as well as the run I'm determined to go for in the morning.

I'm sick of my hair at the moment. I wish I hadn't dyed it a few weeks ago..it just doesn't do what I want it to anymore. Ugh. Why am I so tired right now? Not a clue. Waahh.

The last couple of days I just can't seem to feel full. Even when I've shamelessly shoveled food into my mouth, I don't even feel super bloated. Sure, I look fatter, but I don't feel full. I hate that. If I'm going to goddamn eat, at least make my body feel it. Ugh. Okay, time to plan. Failure to plan is a plan to fail. Tomorrow:

Breakfast: Banana chopped up with .25 cup cornflakes and .25cup skim milk. 90+25+22= 137cal
Lunch: Zach wants to order chinese. I'll try to stick to rice and maybe some steamed veg and chicken. Nothing fried. Ugh.
Dinner: Apple before work = 75cal.
After Work: (because I'll be starving) fiber one bar = 140cal

Total: 355+[lunch]<1000 (hopefully I can keep lunch to <400cal. but we'll see.)

Alright. Gonna get some more water then head to bed. I'm tired. 'Night.

second.

well, at least i worked out today.


still binged, though. blech.


http://www.muffinhuntin.com/

one.

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now..


my brother's college graduation was today. i've never been more proud to be a wolverine.

also meant that i went from 6am 'til 2pm on nothing but a cup of crap coffee and a bagel. but then we went out for a huge lunch, of course, and i had bread, hummus, pita, calamari, then this huge phyllo pastry/vegetable thing. no meat though- i'm considering going back to being vegetarian. or at least cutting back on meat. anyway, i ate a ton, then came back here for champagne and cookie cake. this was hours ago and i'm still so full. and of course i was tiiired from running on three hours of sleep, so i took a nap after all that food. ugh. now it's just sitting there, and i feel disgusting full still.

i could really use a wish right now..

twentynineth/hello again.

So I sort of fell off the face of the Blogger world in the past...week.
Also fell off the whole, having control over myself wagon. But there we go.

I see that I have new followers..?? Which I'm absolutely ecstatic about considering I haven't even been on here in a week. Woah. Hi!! After this post I'm definitely off to read all your blogs. As well as catching up on everyone else's. (Sorry ladies..)

Anyway. Working out in the past week..hasn't happened. I had exams, then I decided I needed to truly celebrate my last weekend of freedom, then I had work..then I had two days of nothing before moving back home. Basically by that point, the laziness had taken over. And I can't go to the gym tomorrow because I have to go to my brother's commencement thing, then see a high school friend, then go to work. Ugh. Then saturday will be filled with more Graduation festivities, then family dinner, then work on Sunday. Ugh. Monday I will go to the gym. Then again, I really have no excuse to not hit the elliptical for half an hour tomorrow morning..we're leaving here at 10.30 so I might as well finish unpacking then get some sleep, at get up early to do that and shower. Hmm. Though I suppose I generally try to count work as somewhat of a workout..blah. We'll see. Depends how much unpacking gets done tonight. I really just need to throw out all the clothes that I don't wear because they don't fit me, but half of them I refuse on the basis that I'm determined to fit into them once again. Soon. But who knows. This weekend isn't going to be a whole lot of fun I've realized. No time for me. It'll all revolve around my brother, who then moves back home on Monday. Mum and Dad refused to pay his rent over the summer, so he's back here to save money. Blah.

Intake in the past week has been all over the place. Had days where I barely ate, then days where I just couldn't stop. Today was going really really well. I had an 80cal little dairy drink thing as breakfast, followed by lettuce with cream cheese wrapped in turkey and cherry tomatoes, then a granola bar. Then dinner with Dave...which ended up being at Noodles and Co. And of course I went for the regular sized pasta fresca with chicken. Which was absolutely delicious, and I left some of the pasta, but I still really should've at leastgone for the small. Should've had the small pad thai with shrimp, but there we go. Shit happens. Then he was still hungry soo we went to Amer's to get froyo. And I got way too much. But put fruit on it. But also reese's and butterscotch chips and chocolate covered raisins. It was so fucking good. And we walked around the block while eating so I figure that helped..but still. I ate far too much. What I hated the most was that I didn't even feel super full. Right now I'm thirsty as hell but I'd have to go down to the kitchen to fill up my Sigg water bottle, since it doesn't fit in the bathroom sink. And that means going into the kitchen. Where there's banana bread and peanut butter and pistachios and honey roasted peanuts and almonds and cashews and chocolate covered cranberries and ICE CREAM and other horrible horrible horribly delicious foods that I'm loving right now. Ugh. I can't do it.

Anywho. Off to unpack some more, and to then read lots of blogs before bed :)
love love.

tattoo.

it inspires me.

twentysecond.

Kay, one more exam 'til I'm done. Pretty sure French went well this morning, so not worried about that.

Feel super shitty, and wouldn't let myself purge. So now I feel worse. Intake:

five cookies - 500cal
peanut butter - 200cal
bagel - 300cal
salad - 150cal
saltines - 30cal
mashed potato/gravy/carrots - 200cal
chicken stirfry - 200cal
bite of turkey wrap - 50cal
1630?

WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE THAT GODDAMN BAGEL.

twentyfirst.

ate too much. slept too little. at least i studied a fair amount.

French exam in 7.5 hours. Should probably get some sleep.

Then Calc 3 on friday. Fuck my life. Ah well.

Fat failure. At least I'm an alliteration.


Sorry for all the negativity. Just not feeling it right now. Sorry. Stay strong, even though I can't. xo.

twentieth.

Today sucked. Fuck. Didn't get anything done I should've. God-fucking-damnit.

Three hours of sleep last night didn't help, either. Intake was way too high, to be honest didn't even count. But I know by 1pm I was already over 600cal. Ate what I suppose would be called a normal dinner, but then purged and purged until I couldn't anymore. Ouch.

Must shower then hit the library. Ughh. Friday at 12.30 I'll be done. Cannot wait.

nineteenth. :)

It's 5:45pm. I haven't eaten anything today, besides a grande iced coffee from starbuck's. With no milk, or anything. So I doubt that really is anything to count. Also hit the gym an hour ago, did a good 4miles/400cal on the elliptical, plus some back/arms and some abs. I'm in a good mood :)
Not really hungry, but agreed to grab dinner with a friend. Figure I might as well eat a tiny bit to give me energy to study my butt off tonight!
Little worried I may have gotten my tattoo infected since I keep touching it..oops :( I think it'll be alright though. Just gotta put neosporin on it. Picture of it soon, I promise:)

stay strong, ladies!
xo

on to the next one.

More of an actual update to come later on, possibly tonight, or else whenever I get hungry, as blogging is my favorite distraction :)
In a really good mood this morning, despite being overwhelmingly stressed about my upcoming exams. I'm off to class in a few minutes, but I just took some pictures and figured I'd put 'em up. Soo, this is me. Today. Hah.

Well, this obviously isn't me. This is the lovely cocktail of pills I'm downing at the moment. Big old multi-vitamin, little blue prozac, white penicillin, and a nice friendly advil. Hah.

My gorgeous skinny part-time-model friend gave me this shirt a while back..I never wear it because it just doesn't look good on me. However..I'm off my period and feeling less bloated, soo I'm wearing it today:)

Profile. This is why I never wear this top, haha.

Lastly..look at that gap:) yes, it's taken from a lower angle, but still. It makes me happy.

Alright, enough of that. Favorite song right now - guilty pleasure by cobra starship.

And now I'm off to class. Haven't eaten yet today. Don't plan to, if I can:) think thin, lovely ladies. xo

eighteenth.

longer post tomorrow.

pic:

(is that a hint of ribs i see in my back? maybe? no?)

seventeenth.

Exams are approaching, and I am stressed.

What do I do when I'm stressed? I eat. No. Not anymore. I will not let myself. Woke up this morning at 8.30 to be at the gym by 9. Did a measly 30min (350cal) on the elliptical, then pushups, crunches, squats, and my beloved gravitron pullup/dip/chinup routine. Not enough though. May go back later. My body just aches... I mean, it deserves a break. Really. But, after seeing 129 on the scale this morning, I really cannot justify giving myself a break. I need to work harder. Harder harder harder. Already had my food for the day. Considering purging..but my throat hurts too much. I don't know. Here, help me out - should I give myself a break for a bit? Taking the following into consideration..

-I have some sort of tonsillitis-y thing, that I'm taking penicillin for 4x/day (damn, need to go take that)
-Also, taking advil just as often as the penicillin for the pain.
-I'm on my period. Enough said.
-I'm stressed as hell about my exams/my grades.
-Oh, and I've developed this habit of staying up for ridiculous reasons until around five or so, then waking up at like, 8, maybe ten at latest. Not feeling it.

Maybe I'm just being a weak-minded little bitch. Entirely possible, to be honest. Ah well. Off to the library I go, probably going out tonight, but no food. Just alcohol. I can justify that, especially if I work out again later. Maybe go for a run or something, we'll see. Plus, the lack of food will greatly reduce the amount of alcohol I will find it necessary to ingest. There we go. Then work tomorrow..maybe just stick it out and no food 'til work? I don't work 'til twelve, so even if I do eat right before, I'll have fasted for 24hours. Though if I stick it out to the end of my shift, that'll be 29. In which case, I might as well keep going, to thirty. Then maybe to forty. Forty hours of fasting would take me to...4am Monday morning. Hopefully I won't be up that early. Maybe if I convince myself to get up at 9 to work out before going to 11am class...I can eat at 12. That'll make 48 hours. The thought is so daunting, particularly given my eating habits as of late, but I can't help but crave the feeling I think I'll get from completing it. Hell, right now I'm aiming for 24 hours. Shit, even 12 hours will make me feel accomplished. YES.

I must go, make some tea, get my calc book from this kid who won't bring it down to central campus for me (goddamnit) andd hit the books. Hard. I'm excited. I want to get alot done. I'll check in on you all in a few hours, when I take a nice little study break.

Models are beautiful. Models are thin. Thin is beautiful. Stay strong, ladies. xo

sixteenth.

I did it. I got my tattoo yesterday. It's a bit different from the picture I posted, because the artist redrew it for me, but I absolutely love it. It's on my left shoulderblade, and I couldn't be happier. I'll post a picture as soon as it's healed. Everyone of course is asking what it means.. so I tell them- it represents freedom, being free from everything, and being able to just fly away. What I don't tell them? That I want to be able to fly, to have hollow bones, to be light as air, and spread my wings and fly away. It's weird, I feel almost like..I'm not alone. It's there almost keeping me company, a part of me, not just a symbol inked on my skin. Also it makes me feel independent, and solidifies the notions I've been ignoring that I am good enough, and I can be who I want to be.

Just not sure how pleased my mother will be. Anyway.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, no breakfast, grilled cheese and tomato soup with cucumber and turkey for lunch (guessing..600cal?) then dinner was a veg fajita and a beef fajita, didn't eat the tortillas, and just added tomatoes and a tiny dab of sour cream. so guessing also around 600cal, at most. Okay, so I weakened and got ice cream..(I burned my mouth the other night so it was soothing..) but not too much, and then walked a mile right afterwards. I felt so sick as soon as I stopped eating, but I had to walk to this concert with my friend L, so I sadly wasn't able to purge. Which is good, I suppose, as my throat hurts plenty thanks to the strep, or tonsillitis, whatever it is. Anyway. Let's thing positively.

J, (don't know if I mentioned him, but he's absolutely gorgeous though a junior..i'm a freshman..he's a poli sci major and does naval rotc) texted me last night asking what I was doing, I said I just had a night in, did a bit of work(white lie on the work part) and he said hopefully he'd see me today. :) yay. I have class 11-12 (so must go workout beforehand) then work 5-10 but maybe after. I have to get an entire calc assignment done in between then. Slightly screwed, should've done it last night. Or should've done it wednesday night, or should've drank less wednesday night and done it  yesterday morning. Oh well. Regrets are no use.

Think I've sorted out my schedule for the fall, the classes I'm taking sound interesting so I'm excited. As I said, I'm off to the gym. It's been far too long. In terms of food today..I'll eat when I get back after class, go to the caf and get YOGURT. Sounds super good right now. Throw in a banana, maybe a couple pieces of peach. Yum. Then..I guess if I'm hungry I'll grab a piece of fruit before work and probably take a granola bar with me just in case..doesn't mean I'll eat it though. Anyway, I'm off!

Have a good day ladies, remember to always see the positives:)
And the greatest positive of all is seeing the negative--as the pounds fall off us:)
think thin! xo

i just love everything about this picture.

fifteenth (fail.)

yesterday. hmmm. let's see.


well it started out with a normal-ish breakfast. then had applesauce for lunch. then dinner? oh me oh my. pierogies and potatoes and salmon and salad and TWO (?!?!!) pieces of chocolate cheesecake. vom. tried ever so hard to purge but then my friend was waiting by my room for me to go to the library...didn't get anywhere near enough up. so we go to the lib, i get nothing done, go to the bonfire, drink two bottles of wine and some beer, smoke a bit, and get very very fucked up. cue bad decisionmaking. thenn, to make it worse, we end up going to get pizza. from where i work. oh god. and breadsticks. so many calories. ugh. gross. i feel so fucking fat. honestly prob gained three pounds yesterday minimum. haven't weighed myself in a week. don't plan to today.


fuck my life. i can't do anything right. i hate this.


must go work out. ugh. 

fourteenth.

Okay, no baby in this belly. Thank you thank you thank you. Never been happier to have such terrible cramps. Also found out I have either strep or tonsillitis. Fabulous, no? So I'm on penicillin for a week. Four of them a day. Plus 600mg of advil basically the same number of times. I really don't like being on pills like this. The only pill I don't mind taking religiously is my birth control I was on antibiotics for over a year for acne in high school and I resented it. Then I was on prozac for the better part of a year, and I hated that too, though for different reasons. Mostly because the doctor never told me one of the side effects was weight gain, so I blame those goddamn pills for most of the pounds I put on last year. Though I know plenty of them in the fall was the freshman fifteen that I refused to believe in, along with forgetting that I wasn't swimming 2.5 hours a day anymore. Anyway, I've gotten sidetracked.

Being sick hopefully will quell my appetite.. My throat hurts so much that I'm going to attempt to stick to soup, etc. Been eating breakfast in the caf past two days..I really do enjoy breakfast. Ate a bit too much, and I binged last night :( but oh well, I did just get my period. So I shall blame that. Can't exercise too much 'cause sickness has got me bogged down and drained of energy, but I think I shall try to get some in later today. Maybe just elliptical or bike rather than running though. Anyway.

Intake.. breakfast this morning was a little bit of eggs, five potato tots, some scrambled tofu, some yogurt with half a banana and a few cheerios, then a chocolate muffin with a bit of peanut butter. yeah..that's alot. whatever. too late night. let's see.. 500cal? may be a bit low but..fuck, I don't know what to call it otherwise. Plus I'm trying to think positive. So now I'm off to have applesauce (50cal) with a tiny bit of cinnamon (boost metabolism, supposedly) before two hours of class. Then I'm done for the day! So then maybe go and work out, shower, then study for a few hours. Sounds good to me.

I know I've said this a million times, but this really is a new beginning. I'm determined this time. I've realized making a strict detailed plan doesn't work for me, and I've realized I can't just go from over 1000cal to fasting for a day. I just can't. What I can do is persevere, take baby steps, and believe in myself. The last part will undoubtedly be the hardest. But I can do this.

Someday I shall be light as a bird. Here's the tattoo I plan on getting:

fourteen.

my period has not come.

it always comes on wednesdays.


fuck.

day..four? blah.

Hi new followers! :) I"ll be sure to check out your blogs..Okay not gonna lie I really don't comment often. But I def read them anyway:)

Been doing a shitty job of keeping to this plan of mine, mostly due to many unforseen events, such as drinking half a fifth and waking up across town. Anyway. Pigged out this morning at breakfast, had ravioli and half a donut and two cookies and a mug of milk and some eggs. blah. oh and little bit of oatmeal. SO, I don't plan on eating for the rest of today. Feeling a bit sick. Planning on going to the library to get some stuff done, taking a break and going to the gym, showering, then finishing up homework. I don't wanna leave it all 'til tomorrow night, you see. And I figure I should be productive.

Off to do this. I shall take a honey tangerine (50cal) to the library with me and a bottle of water. Nothing else. Nothing but liquids and fruit for me today.

la la la.

goodbye.

day two, supposedly.

So I failed miserably at fasting. Fasted from 9pm last night til 1pm today. that's all. that's also not including the vodka and gatorade I had last night.

Also, scale said tonight that I'm a whopping 127.8. what. the. fuck. I've worked out everyday. It's not like I've been massively overeating (aside from binging when I got back from the gym, having a somewhat 'fuck-the-world, I-give-up' mentality). Unless I'm pregnant. That's the main concern right now.

Fuck Rob, he's being a fucking asshole. Goddamnit. Why the hell do I still care about him so much when he treats me like shit?

Because that's what I deserve.

day one.

Well, okay. Scales at the gym told me 127 just now. What the fuck. I've been good..I've been working out..:( Not fair. I don't think I'm drinking enough water though..I dunno. I also sweated my ass off at the gym even just on the elliptical...like, more than usual. Hmm. Quite strange. I'm trying to convince myself the gain is just muscle gain and a result of me laying in bed moping for days. We'll see.

Looks like I'm deviating from my ten day plan- already. For two reasons. First, my brother wants to get dinner tonight. He has class 'til seven so we're going right after that. I didn't want to try and switch it to just coffee 'cause I'm sure he'll be starving. I asked where he wanted to go and he said we'd just figure it out tonight, which is now freaking me out because I can't look up low-cal options online. Ughhh.

Second reason, is that tomorrow I plan to FAST. :) Assuming all goes well, it'll be my first legit all-day fast. So I'm very excited. I can't wait to feel..empty:) Also worried, because Miss Burton is fasting along with me..so I definitely can't fail!

Anyway, I'm off to do my 30day shred dvd. Not in the mood, but tough luck! It's in the plan, so I'm doing it!

xo.

seventh.

day one begins..

Had a honey tangerine. 50cal. Well, I haven't even eaten half of it yet. I've sat here for half an hour trying to get all the white stuff off. And now I'm really not hungry so I probably won't even eat it. I'm scared to let myself eat it - scared that once I start eating I just won't stop.

run.

http://intricateintricacies.blogspot.com/2010/04/today.html

off for a run. trying to outrun my problems.

back--
ran two miles. Well, basically sprinted two miles. No warmup, no cool down, so I'm going to seriously regret it in the morning. I ran from my dorm to Rob's frat and back. It's nearly two miles, and I was feeling lazy, so whatever. I could've, and considered, running further, but..I sprinted, instead, and sprinted and sprinted and felt like I was going to throw up. Then tried to make myself go faster. On the way there, I pretended he wanted me back. So I pushed harder and harder and harder on the uphill. On the way back..I pretended one of the brothers who absolutely hates me was chasing me and screaming shit at me like he did that night. And now I'm collapsed on my bed, about to grab my inhaler, still trying to catch my breath.

And considering going back out and doing it again.

I wanna be thin enough to wear this. And look damn good.

sixth.

hello.

10am: 1/3 container of apple jacks -50cal
           ~.3cup milk -30cal

total: 80cal.

today's goal? stay under 600.

new goal: see how long I can fast. so far..six hours. hah. nothing.

five and a half-th.

scales tonight at the gym said 127. you HAVE to be fucking KIDDING me.

i had a lazy weekend but REALLY? no.

this has to be some kind of cruel joke.

liquid fast tomorrow. liquids or fruit. nothing else. well, cereal for breakfast. nothing past that. even cereal's up in the air right now. i'm so fucking pissed.

fifth.

and,  oh, how I wish I had a fifth right now.

For every day that he doesn't want me, I won't eat. Hell, hearing him say that just makes me feel sick anyway. So no motivation to shove food in my mouth anytime soon. I hate this. I wish he'd give me a chance to show him we could be better. Why?

also:: everytime I put something in my mouth, it's being recorded. Yes. I'll just keep updating this post rather than blowing up everyone's dashboards though.

1 mini cadbury's creme egg -50cal (yikes!)
1 cadbury's mini egg -16cal
.2 bottle alo - 12cal
2 gummy vitamins -15cal
1 piece raspberry lemonade gum -0cal.
beef&broccoli stirfry -120cal
rice -50cal
.5 veg wrap -65cal

total: 228cal. blech.

6pm update:
1 grande iced coffee -5cal
naked mango smoothie -120cal (booo)
pasta -200cal
assorted egg/meat/crap -120cal
hardboiled egg white -17cal
2 pieces of blueberry buckle -400cal
softserve ice cream -200cal
BINGEBINGEBINGE.
purged as much as i could..confident i got all the ice cream and blueberry crap up.

total: 690cal. gross. i'm so bloated. i hate this.
no wonder he doesn't wanna be with me.

fourth.

Hello skinnies.

What a fail of a twenty-four hours. I feel horrible right now, and it's Easter, so I have to go home for dinner tonight, and there'll be chocolate.. Yesterday I did nothing. I was tired, or so I told myself..I stayed in bed all day. I tell myself it was just that I wanted to rest, but looking back, I was probably just depressed. I binged at breakfast, planning to then go work out and go to the library, generally be productive, but I got nothing done. Was supposed to go to the library with R..didn't happen. He bailed, basically. Which made me feel like shit. I really wanted to see him. Anyway, I convinced myself to do another Jillian Michael's workout, but couldn't get myself to go running or get to the gym. Still feeling low on energy. Went to subway at like nine last night, of course I got a fucking footlong, and ate the entire thing in five minutes. Along with a bag of chips. Probably 700cal or more. All at once. Then, i wasn't going to go out since I was tired and bloated and full and feeling gross, so I took a shower, but then a couple of my guy friends said they were by my dorm and to go out with them..so, thinking we were going to metal frat, I just threw on some jeans, a tshirt, and my beloved sperry's, and didn't give a thought to what my hair looked like. Of course, we end up going somewhere else - the lax house. So many mullets, so many pairs of sperry's, and SO many girls. All wearing dresses or short skirts, with their hair straightened, having fun. For one, I didn't really know anyone there other than the guys I came with. Second..I looked so out of place and felt like shit because of it. So I ended up leaving before them, and somehow ended up going to dtd. And spent the night there. In his arms.

Then this morning, he drove me back. And apologized. And it sucks. So SO SO much. I don't understand him. I just don't understand how he can say he still likes me and cares about me, and want to hold me close, and even want to fuck me, and then won't give us another chance, when things could be so great. It fucking sucks blows and swallows and I can't deal with it right now. Not fair.

This morning I went down to breakfast...banana bread and blueberry muffin.and some grapes. still. blah. carb-o-licious. And I think mum said she's making vegetarian lasagna tonight. Delicious, yes, full of veggies, yes, but also pasta and cheese. Blah. Must go work out. Want to do the 30day shred again today, but roommate's here and I don't wanna do it in front of her. hahah. Don't care if that makes me pathetic. Anyway. This week I'm seriously cutting back. Fruit fruit fruit. That is what I shall eat. If I go down to the cafeteria? Must get at least one piece of fruit, and I'll have salad. and egg..just eat the white. yes. here we go.

Should probably go to the gym and get this calc done. Blahh. God I miss Rob. :(

think thin. xo

--edit--
dukes of hazzard is on. Jessica Simpson looks so damn good. And Seann William Scott is fine as hell. Yummmm.. (and on that note, i'm off to the gym.)

third.

I'd be perfectly fine with just pretending last night didn't happen. None of it. None. Deal? Okay.

Today's Hash Bash. Considering my chest's already aching, I don't think I'll be taking part. Instead, I shall clean, and go to the library, and work out. Lots. Did I mention eating? Nah. I'll figure that out somehow. Watching Supersize vs. Superskinny again. So jealous of those tiny little twigs. This morning I looked at the pictures from last night..I thought I looked pretty good at the time, but.. blah. My arms are huge.

Today shall be a better day.

first.

Last night I had a dream I met some guy, and told him he was cute. He goes, "well we should go out!" and that was it, he was my boyfriend. I forget the rest, but I ended up going on a mountainous hike with Dumbledore as part of a DTD computer game/rave contest. And ran around my old middle school for a bit. Anyway.

I have no class today, and this paper is due at midnight, so I'm sat outside in the courtyard of my dorm figuring out spring/fall classes and working on it. It's a gorgeous day out already, and it's supposed to be 74F. So so excited. Supposed to be going disc golfing with a friend from high school later on, and then talking to R tonight. Not sure if it's even worth it in a way..I don't think I can change his mind, and I'm not sure I'll be able to say what I really want to say. I don't know, I love him. That's what I know. That, and I've figured my life out, and want to be with him.

Woke up, later than I intended to, but what the hell :) did my first workout with Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I was a bit embarrassed to be honest..it was sort of hard :( but, i feel like it's good for toning muscles, which I definitely need. Plus it was a nice amount of cardio to wake up to, since I didn't really feel like dragging myself to the gym after going 'til midnight last night. Had an apple before Jillian, haven't had anything since. Getting hungry, not sure what I'm going to do about that to be honest. Maybe let myself go to the dining hall in a couple of hours..make a salad? They have ham and turkey in the salad bar at lunch..bit of good old protein. Anywho, I'm off to finish this paper hopefully, as well as sort out what class to take this spring and what to take in the fall.

Stay strong, happy April! It's a new beginning, so let's do this :) xx