second, 2.0

My posts lately have been severely lacking. My self-control has been equally lacking. I don't know what the deal with J is. That bothers me. I miss R. That also bothers me. I was watching Greek yesterday (guilty pleasure, please hold the laughter) and there was this episode where Rusty can't figure out if he can be just friends with this girl Jordan he has feelings for or not. Cappie tells him, he can't have the whole bag of chips. He can have just one, every day, but no more, or just have nothing. Which would you rather have? Once R asked me, "so it's all or nothing, huh?" and I didn't know what to say. In my mind I was screaming, "yes,  yes, YES", but I knew he'd go with nothing. I can't do that, I can't imagine not having him in my life. Yet I get so jealous that he hangs out with other girls and whatever. It hurts. Anyway. I figured J just wanted to screw around and nothing else. Yet now I feel like I was like, inviting myself over and imposing myself on him. Which maybe isn't true, but still. That's not cool. Plus now I feel like to  him I'm not even worth that - how the fuck is THAT supposed to make me feel? Like, just being someone to fuck around with, to hang out with, yeah fine I can deal with that. It's not like I expected or wanted anything to come of it. But still. Not okay.
S, meanwhile..actually, may be reading this. So we'll leave it at that.

I found this tumblr just now, and I absolutely love the pictures: 112istheperfectweight

I also, before finding the site yet after finding out my plans for tonight fell through, and J didn't want to see me, consumed ice cream and cookie dough. Blech. I don't want to elaborate on the other disgustingness I've consumed today. The pure volume of it all disgusts me. Yet, I did go to the gym, and I am definitely going for a run tomorrow morning and doing abs. I set up my nike+ thing again, and set goals for myself for speed, frequency, distance, calories burned, etc. So there we go.

Started considering Navy/Air Force/Army ROTC. Problem is, I'm not a citizen. Plus, I don't know which I'd rather join anyway. I think I could do Air Force, possibly without having to become a citizen, because I just want to do the ROTC thing, I'm not trying to get them to pay for my tuition. My parents can cover that, I don't need it, and I'm not going to try and get them to..I just want a chance to give back to this country. Plus, shooting a gun? Yeah, I'd be cool with that. Getting in the best shape of my life? YES. Possibly either sailing or FLYING A PLANE?! yes. yes yes yes.

But I don't know. We shall see. In the meantime, I'm going to just focus on me. My summer work schedule starts tomorrow, and I need to get my books for the stats class I'm taking which starts Wednesday. Supposed to be getting lunch with friends both tomorrow and Tuesday. Damnit, why does everyone I know always want to eat? Ah well. It'll be nice to catch up. And I'll have work for five hours tomorrow night, that'll burn calories, as well as the run I'm determined to go for in the morning.

I'm sick of my hair at the moment. I wish I hadn't dyed it a few weeks ago..it just doesn't do what I want it to anymore. Ugh. Why am I so tired right now? Not a clue. Waahh.

The last couple of days I just can't seem to feel full. Even when I've shamelessly shoveled food into my mouth, I don't even feel super bloated. Sure, I look fatter, but I don't feel full. I hate that. If I'm going to goddamn eat, at least make my body feel it. Ugh. Okay, time to plan. Failure to plan is a plan to fail. Tomorrow:

Breakfast: Banana chopped up with .25 cup cornflakes and .25cup skim milk. 90+25+22= 137cal
Lunch: Zach wants to order chinese. I'll try to stick to rice and maybe some steamed veg and chicken. Nothing fried. Ugh.
Dinner: Apple before work = 75cal.
After Work: (because I'll be starving) fiber one bar = 140cal

Total: 355+[lunch]<1000 (hopefully I can keep lunch to <400cal. but we'll see.)

Alright. Gonna get some more water then head to bed. I'm tired. 'Night.