nonononono.

NO.

I've been so weak. For so long. Since I've come home. Tonight, I went out specifically to buy chocolate covered raisins. What. The. Fuck. Also baked some Fiber One muffins. 140cal and 2.5g fat in each one. Perfect for a meal, I could add some yogurt and it'd be fab. Also, they're delicious. How do I know? Because I ate two, tonight. After a spoonful of ice cream, a handful of chocolate raisins, a handful of honey roasted peanuts, two dried apricots. That's all after dinner, which was pasta with roasted red pepper, broccoli, and salmon. And salad, oh, and bread. All I wanted was the salmon, but it was all baked together. The bread was just me being weak. Lunch? Noodles and co. Small med salad, 150cal. Plus chicken. Basically 350cal after that. Ugh. Then, mocha light frapp from starbucks. 100cal. Half an apple with a little lowfat yogurt. call it 60cal. Oh, and breakfast this morning, cereal with blueberries. 160cal.

950. plus snacks. call it 1200. plus dinner. call it 1800. blech.

what the fuck, over.

The only excuse I have is that I just started my period. In that case..okay. I can let today slide - I did run 1.5mi and do some abs. Not much, but better than nothing. Also resisted buying disgustingly deliciously fattening foods when I was at target today. Bah.

Tomorrow's going to be [another] new day. There we go. Breakfast? Muffin, .25 cup yogurt. Blueberries. Should come out around 200cal total. Lunch? AAHH, have to meet two friends downtown. Now off to look up where I can get something under 300cal. Dinner? I'll be at work. I'll grab some fruit or veg or something between coming home after class and going out to work. After work? Granola bar, or else some fruit. Maybe ice cream if I haven't snacked all day. (YES, I know that's still weakness. But fuck it. If I'm going to eat little, when I do eat I'm going to eat what I want. That's fucking shitty logic at best. Whatever.)

So frustrated. So many suicidal thoughts last night. Not good, not good. I need control. I refuse to start cutting again. I want another tattoo purely to feel the pain of it. Just to feel something. Or else get something piercing, I don't know. I refuse to let myself start cutting again. It's just too hard of a habit to kick, and too hard to hide. Especially with Summer just around the corner. I'm so frustrated with everything right now. I feel hollow inside. I know I'm not the only one to ever feel like this or whatever but that doesn't make any fucking difference. I don't know. I don't care. So sick of everything.

Had lunch with Rob today. That was interesting. I dunno. The whole situation is just weird. I don't like it. I hate it. It makes me hate him which only makes me hate myself even more, though I wasn't sure that was really possible. Ah well. We shall see. I suppose. Dinner on Thurs. Also nervous about that.
1. I don't go on dates. Ever. Last guy to take me to dinner? Rob. After we'd basically been together for ages. Before that? Considering I can't remember, there might not have been any. I'm freakin' out.
2. I don't know where we're going. Therefore I have no control. I won't be able to look up nutritional stuff online beforehand. Fuck.
3. So if it's like a date, then that means there's some sort of obligation or commitment attached, right? Like, okay, I'm not expected to sleep with the guy, but then it's like.. I owe him? I have to then like, do it again? I have to wanna be with him? So confused. Ughh.

So, I'll take control. Time to strengthen my mind. I shall be thin. It will happen. Then I'll be gorgeous and loved and wanted and maybe even envied. It's all I want.