things have changed..

cousin's here so haven't had enough alone time to post.

will do monday.

xo.

changes.

Starting a basically vegan diet. I barely eat meat anyway, I much prefer fish. (yes, I know vegans don't eat fish. let me finish) Pretty sure I'm lactose intolerant, so I'm eliminating dairy from my diet. Eggs..I can take them or leave them. SO - the dairy-avoidance seems like the perfect opportunity to begin this new diet without suspicion from my mother.

New favorites: cinnamon tea. mmmm. lemon water. more refreshing. "sassy water" (google it).

Work on eliminating binge foods/unhealthy/unnecessary food.

Work on thinspo scrapbook.

:)

binged.

and now I feel sick. Nearly strangled one of the kids I was babysitting today. [no, not really.] I need a real job.

FUCK trail mix and fuck chocolate covered raisins. Why does my mother insist on buying them, and why do I keep eating them?

Feel like crying. Must go to gym. Must avoid dinner. Feel so sick.

First football game is in six weeks. I must be 116 or less.

SO,

I'm baffled. I've let myself go, I let myself eat what I crave, when I crave it. It's nuts. I hate it. I made these [absolutely delicious] peanut butter chocolate oatmeal bars the other day and I'm...eating them. It's...mind boggling. Still keeping my food diary but still...why oh why..? I suppose the pb has protein and oatmeal is fibrous..but still. GAH !

In other news, I finally worked out again today. Felt so so so good to be covered in sweat. Love that feeling.

I've broken my plan of weighing myself only every five days (05, 10, 15, etc). It's messing with my mind. Yesterday I was 124, this morning 123, now 120? All from the same scale, in the same place. I'm so so confused. I feel bloated and gross and I definitely don't feel or look any thinner at alll than when I was weighing in at 124/125+. Ugh. Frustrated. Also, got dragged to panera with my brother. Of course, had my usual 280cal Strawberry Poppyseed Chicken Salad. Considered just picking the fruit off the top (fruit only takes about half an hour to digest !) and leaving the chicken, but I nibbled the bread, ate all the nuts, and some of the chicken. Plus a bit of lettuce. I dunno. I feel super-duper full right now and a little bloated, but..ah well. I think I'm somewhat allergic to something in my diet at the moment, and I really need to figure out what it is that makes me so bloated and constipated and miserable. Eating plenty of yogurt in the meantime, low-cal fat-free yogurt, mind you, to keep those digestive juices churning. Or whatever they do in there.

Tomorrow I'm babysitting, then hitting a few places downtown to inquire about jobs. Kaplan audition is next Wednesday, so I need to prepare for that a little. Otherwise..I dunno. Maybe see that one boy. Maybe. (Hopefully). Right now I'm off to see a couple of friends (enough with the moping and staying in bed and refusing to leave the house and biting the head off anyone who talks to me) then hopefully get some sleep tonight for once. We shall see.

THEN- return to staying well below 1000cal, preferably below 800cal, and exercising too. This starts tomorrow. This weight has got to go ! It's already nearly August ! Bit over a month before I'm moving out!! Which is super exciting, as then I'll have no one watching or commenting on how much or what I eat and no one forcing me to eat meals with them. Hooray ! And back to walking absolutely everywhere. I cannot cannot cannot wait. I just hope I've found a job before then.

That was excessively long and rather rambley, and now I have a bit of a headache so I'm going to go meet my friends and drink more water.

I know I'm back in my habit of not commenting, but I will later. Forreal. (ha.) OH, and on the subject of comments, all your helpful ones last week combined with the shit night I had on saturday has made me realize I shouldn't drink. It just fucks everything over, since my tolerance is still so high..too many cals. Bah.

motivation is what gets you started. habit is what keeps you going.

stay strong, lovelies. xx

meandering.

1165cal today. not good, not good.

didn't work out. seem to have lost motivation in all areas. also not good.

c'monnnn i was doing so well:(

xo.

wanting isn't enough.

Drank...alot last night. Way too much. I still feel so so shitty. And of course I'm bloated and water weight-y and just generally feel like shit. Haven't left the house today. Blah.

Thinspo of the day:
"fat girls just wanna have fun"

it just doesn't end. those thighs. oh my. and the arms.. it just doesn't stop. jiggle jiggle.

not posting today's intake, as I've been bingeing like mad. I ate BREAD. quiche. chips. three things i never ever eat. And I did. Plenty of each. Now I feel shitty, and have to eat dinner in like half an hour..not hungry whatsoever. Also I'm incredibly dehydrated. And constantly thirsty, well, more than my usual excessive thirst. Yet I don't want to drink since I feel fit to burst. Fuck this shit.

Fucked things up with the boy once again. Had an absolutely lovely day rockclimbing then went and ruined it by insisting he leave me alone and refusing a cab to instead walk the two miles across town to my house. At 2am. Fabulous idea, I know. Whatever.

Didn't work out today. Maybe that's part of why I feel so shitty. Fuck this.

sorryy..

I've been terrible at posting lately. Been keeping a food diary vigilantly though, just not posting it on here. Besides that, I feel like I have nothing to say really. Might be getting back together with my loverly ex. Fingers crossed, and I'm doing all I can to make it work.

I'll try to comment tomorrow and maybe find something more interesting to post.

think thin and stay strong. xo.

?

drank last night. three beers, 450 empty calories.
added to the 586 of food.. 1036cal. woohoo. burned 300 at the gym, maybe another 100 biking there and back. still.

then...weighed in at 121lbs today. wtf?

sorry for being completely MIA.
didn't have internet on the cape.

got to unpack then hit the gym. vacation made me fatter. xo.

running in place.

So much to do and not enough time to do it in. I'm leaving for the East Coast in 17 hours and I haven't even thought about packing yet..and my father's a complete psycho about packing etc. Fuck fuck fuck. Also, when I woke up this morning my right eye was swollen shut and covered in crusty crap. Now it still hurts and is super red and swollen. Going to the doctor in an hour. Hope they don't insist on weighing me, I'm not in the mood to find out.
So, leaving means that I'll be even more behind on all your blogs than I already am. I'm hoping to read a bunch tonight before bed, so hopefully I can catch up then..but the next ten days I have no idea how much/how little privacy I'll have. I'm freaking out already about the fact that I'll have to eat absolutely every meal with my parents and there isn't going to be a way to skip meals without them knowing. Freaking out hardcore. Alsoo this weekend we're going to be eating on the road alot. And we're staying with some friends tomorrow night so I'll have to eat whatever they make..at least once we get to the Cape we'll be in a house so I can have complete control over at least breakfast and most lunches. Oh man.
Food today's been within reason. Still sick so still not going for a run. Intake's been really good though. I need to get back into the habit of drinking green tea for breakfast!

intake;

light&fit yogurt -80

1/4cup cornflakes -25

10 blueberries -8

apple -72

slice of peach -6

3multigrainchips w. hummus -46

3 cherries -12

turkey tenderloin -56

lettuce/cucumber/tomato -12

2 driedapricots & 6 craisins -28

3 bites fiberone toasterpastry -25

subtotal; 370cal

Anddd, I'm not even hungry. :) The last six items were all my snack-ish sort of thing after getting home from babysitting. Yeah, need to stop doing that all-over-the-place nibbling thing. Ah well, I still am amazed I'm below 400cal still. Getting dinner with a friend, I'll pull for Panera so I can get my beloved Chicken Strawberry Poppyseed Salad. YUMMM. 280cal for the whole thing. 230 without pecans. Hmm.. ORRR for 250cal I could do half the salad and half the garden veg soup. AHHH the possibilities..and I love that they now have the calorie amounts on the menu!

Got to go and sort out some clothes..ergh. stay strong, I'll read/comment later. xo.

more than anything.

I want to be thin. More than anything. I will lose this weight.
Stood in Target contemplating hydroxycut, dexatrim, jillian michaels, diurex, and another that I forget the name of. Didn't have the balls to chance any of them. Has anyone had positive results with diet pills?

shameful intake;

plain yogurt -80

cornflakes -30

nectarine(70)&strawberry(2) -72

craisins(12)&dried apricot(8) -20

fiber one bar -140

watermelon -46

cheddar bunnies -8.4

wheat bread/cracker -60

hummus/cheese sauce -40

tomato soup -75

multigrainbread(100)&fatfreemozzarella(45) -145

hummus -15

baby carrots -24

cherry tomatoes -6

banana bread ~ 260

total; 1021.4

Not as good as I would've liked, but I did have a fair amount of fruit/veg and I'm sick. So, whatever. Trying to work on getting more sleep, and doing my exercises faithfully before bed. Need to work on doing abs etc daily in the mornings though, and can't wait to shift this respiratory infection so I can go back to running. Watching Supersize vs. Super Skinny on youtube nonstop, even though I've seen them all already. Ah well. If anyone finds the rest of season two (besides ep 1&8) lemme knowww:) Also watched the first episode of Huge on abc family on Monday. Hmm. Wish I could go to fat camp.

Goal for tomorrow is to get back down to that goddamn 800calorie limit, while limiting variety (my downfall) and limiting freetime at home (my other downfall). Let's gooo.

big.

this is how i feel today.

zero energy, bloated and full, binged, didn't go for a goddamn run. i hate myself and i feel like shit. goodfuckingnight.

one day at a time.

Sunny evenings are so beautiful. They make it all better, especially after a day of feeling like a whale at the pool.  Now I'm back in clothes than can cover some of the imperfection at least.

intake;

80 -light&fit yogurt

50 -special k blueberry

20 -5 cherries

12 -iced coffee w. milk

65 -6 tortilla chips

300 -quesadilla (wtf)

47 -boiled egg white, half yolk

142 -chicken breast

5 -lettuce/cucumber

15 -5 cherry tomatoes

25 -mustard/balsamic vinegar/lemon juice

25 -coleslaw (ugh)

6 -2 strawberries

total; 792cal

My goal was to stay under 1000, and ideally under 800. So, I'm definitely pleased. Baby steps. Get lower and lower everyday, and so shall my weight. Went for a run earlier and according to my Nike+ thing, I burned 143cal. Not too shabby considering it was over 80F. Spent the day at the pool, felt so awfully huge, but being there with Ben made it better. I care about him far too much. And I don't even care. Ah well. I'm pissed about that goddamn quesadilla I ate at the pool though, not gonna lie. But I must stay positive.

Saturday I leave for Cape Cod..including the driving time I'll be gone a solid ten days. I'm getting worried - yes, I can go for runs along the beach in the morning and whatnot, but I'll also be around my parents the whole time, and there's the problem of eating out too..we'll most likely end up going places that aren't chains and therefore won't have nutritional info on their websites. I'm probably going to make a "safe list" of things I can get at various fast-food-y type places on the way as I don't know where my parents will decide we stop. Also, on the bright side, there shouldn't be too much sitting around unless we just go to the beach. Also, I'll be running around after an adorable 5yr old girl, not just chillin' with the old folks.

I'm coming up with a plan for the next month. I would love to be below 120 by August. Today I weighed in at 126.  That's definitely doable. Ideally, I want to be 118 by August, as then if I can lose another eight before September, I'll be at a beautifully slender 110 for the fall:) At which point I'll be moving into my apartment and will have no one telling me when to eat! :) Hoorayy.

Sorry, long post, lots of love to you if you read it:)
xo.

this weekend was a joke.

Well, well, well. I am a pig. England's out of the world cup. Wooo. Ugh.

intake;

200 -french-fucking-toast

150 -eggs

40 -blueberries

12 -raspberries

60 -bread/butter

70 -bread

5 -pepper

48 -chicken

36 -cheese

3 -cucumber

8 -mustard

50 -yogurt

100 -choc raisins

30 -choc chips

6 -raspberries

110 -panera veg soup

140 -panera chx salad

100 -panera baguette

100 -fat free ice cream

50 -special k

18 -raspberries

total; 1336

Why oh why is my intake increasing and increasing. I need to be far below 1000cal. This week...no more ''trail mix''. Lots more veg and fruit. Cucumber is my new best friend. I think I'm getting sick but that's no excuse. I need to get up off my ass. Ugh.

i feel fat today.

Went rock climbing today. Wooo. Then..ate. And drank. And sat, and watched tv. All day. Ugh. An hour of rockclimbing burns around 600 calories, one site said. So, we were there probably an hour and a half, alternating climbing and belaying, so say I burned.. 400cals doing that?

intake;

85 -1/3 clif bar

120 -greek yogurt

30 -special k

~500? -dibellas sub [multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mustard, tomato, lettuce]

220 -bud light

105 -banana

80 -wheat bread

60 -peanut butter

65 -apple

50 -plain yogurt

total; 1315

too much, too much.

supersize.

Babysat today. Intake wasn't too bad, I suppose. Haven't taken a shit in two days though. That's annoying. Bloated feeling's mostly gone, however, so hoorah.

Latest hate; my grotesque fat thighs. Those need to go, asap, as well as my fat chicken-wing arms.

Plan for tomorrow. Well, later today, I suppose;
-wake up 7.30, go for a run
-shower, etc, eat yogurt. grab diet coke.
-meet kids at the pool 9.30, entertain them.
-avoid lunch. drink water.
-home 2.30. applesauce (50cal).
-dinner..may be unavoidable.
-ryan's goodbye party? alcohol is too many cals :(

look at this link. absolutely disgusting. kudos if you made it past the first minute and a half. ugh.

intake;

80 -yogurt

40 -dry oats

100 -whole wheat wrap

5 -mustard

5 -tomato

70 -cheese

50 -turkey

70 -watermelon

50 -chips/hummus

120 -meatloaf

25 -carrots

15 -hummus/heinz

5 -tomato/lettuce

75 -bread

50 -special k

20 -blueberries

50 -yogurt

90 -choc covered cherries

total; 920cal. 

i want a body to die for.

I am still grotesquely bloated. My ribcage has expanded, I'm sure of it. I feel dehydrated and nauseous and fat and bloated and huge and disgusting. I am a beached whale.

I'm getting fatter. I'm also sure of that. I cannot look in the mirror anymore without getting an overwhelming urge to just run down to the kitchen, grab a sharp serrated knife, and just start cutting the fat off in huge pieces. Like a butcher hacking fat of a carcass. I am disgusting.

I'm not eating today. I am allowed fruits and veggies, in the tiniest amounts. That is all.

where'd all the good people go?

My best friend's currently filing a restraining order against her ex, and probably has to testify against him in court.

My friend's father was taken to hospital this morning with chest pains.

A mother and daughter from my town were killed in a car accident yesterday.

My friend's house was struck by lightning and burned to the ground last friday.


So why the fuck am I complaining about any aspect of my life? Because..I don't know. I'm horribly depressed since I don't even have a fucking job right now. And that's just made worse by how much I hate how I look. I can't handle all this shit right now with just proves how fucking weak I am, considering my ex isn't trying to hurt me and isn't a manipulative bastard, my family is all safe and alive, and I have a roof over my head.

I want to hit fast forward. Now. And skip forward to August, and not have eaten between now and then, and be thin and beautiful. I can't go back to school fat like this. I just can't.

la la la.

brother found this. showed it to mother. hooray.

aka, deleted it, and now moved it to a new URL.

started a new blog, too, though not sure how to tell you about that one at risk of my brother finding this and then finding that one. if that makes sense.

basically i have no job, no self-control, no class, no nothing.

fuck me.

big isn't beautiful.

let's start with a pictchaa of me. [warning, you may want to avert your eyes..]

blechhh.

That was Saturday morning, moody as hell after being fired for a shitty reason, I refused to get out of bed. And so I lay there in all my fat glory. So lazy. And then took pictures, to just show myself how much work I have to do. I seem to keep forgetting, keep slipping. Hmm.

For example.. this morning? I got up, 8.10, got angry that my brother decided to spend 45min in there (what the fuck), and had four blueberries and a spoonful of lowfat yogurt as my breakfast. Drank some water, then hopped on my bike to head to class. Now, I just mapped it out online, and apparently it's 2.5mi from my house to the lecture hall. I'd say a 5mile bikeride in the morning is a fairly good wakeup. I was supposed to meet up with a friend after class to grab coffee and chat, but I got out early and she didn't answer her phone, so I headed home. Home, to a pantry and fridge and cupboards; all full of food. . . and temptation.

I started with a small bowl of special k. Starving and too lazy to measure, I threw a small handful of dried cranberries and an equal amount of blueberries on top and poured on the skim milk. It was deliciouss. Washed that down with a glass of iced coffee, and I was set. Oh, until I stood at the kitchen counter hacking off pieces of the lemon poppyseed . . loaf my mother had made. Then, an hour later, sat at the table with a bag of tortilla chips and tub of salsa. Fortunately the chips are 150cal for 15 of 'em. I know I didn't go over fifteen. The salsa..10cal per ounce. So call that one 170cal total. The lemon poppyseed..call that 200? The cereal I know isn't more than 100, plus milk call it 180. Plus fruit, make it 250. This puts me at.. 620cal. Disgusting. More than I wanted to consume for the day. Pretty sure I can get away with just salad for dinner though, and going for a killer workout with my friend after I get out of class...which is where I am now. According to fitday.com, my biking burned me about 240cal. I estimated low, so there we go.

620in - 240out = 380.

fair enough.

"skinny is sexy, big isn't beautiful.."

late-night-update. Burned another 270cal through cardio at the gym, some more through strength training of course. Consume 1/4 flatout wrap with .5cup tuna, tiny bit of mustard, and a leaf of lettuce before I went. Dinner was (all chopped up small) 1 big leaf romaine lettuce, 4 red cherry tomatoes, 4 yellow cherry tomatoes, bit of cucumber, and some bits of chicken, with a splash of lemon juice, balsamic vinegar, and pepper. Also had 5 baby carrots and a tbsp of hummus. Dessert was .5cup lowfat yogurt, splash of cinnamon, and two strawberries chopped up. Oh, and a few pieces of special K mixed in. Yum. Shall add up those cals in the morning. xo.