make me thin: SO,

I'm baffled. I've let myself go, I let myself eat what I crave, when I crave it. It's nuts. I hate it. I made these [absolutely delicious] peanut butter chocolate oatmeal bars the other day and I'm...eating them. It's...mind boggling. Still keeping my food diary but still...why oh why..? I suppose the pb has protein and oatmeal is fibrous..but still. GAH !

In other news, I finally worked out again today. Felt so so so good to be covered in sweat. Love that feeling.

I've broken my plan of weighing myself only every five days (05, 10, 15, etc). It's messing with my mind. Yesterday I was 124, this morning 123, now 120? All from the same scale, in the same place. I'm so so confused. I feel bloated and gross and I definitely don't feel or look any thinner at alll than when I was weighing in at 124/125+. Ugh. Frustrated. Also, got dragged to panera with my brother. Of course, had my usual 280cal Strawberry Poppyseed Chicken Salad. Considered just picking the fruit off the top (fruit only takes about half an hour to digest !) and leaving the chicken, but I nibbled the bread, ate all the nuts, and some of the chicken. Plus a bit of lettuce. I dunno. I feel super-duper full right now and a little bloated, but..ah well. I think I'm somewhat allergic to something in my diet at the moment, and I really need to figure out what it is that makes me so bloated and constipated and miserable. Eating plenty of yogurt in the meantime, low-cal fat-free yogurt, mind you, to keep those digestive juices churning. Or whatever they do in there.

Tomorrow I'm babysitting, then hitting a few places downtown to inquire about jobs. Kaplan audition is next Wednesday, so I need to prepare for that a little. Otherwise..I dunno. Maybe see that one boy. Maybe. (Hopefully). Right now I'm off to see a couple of friends (enough with the moping and staying in bed and refusing to leave the house and biting the head off anyone who talks to me) then hopefully get some sleep tonight for once. We shall see.

THEN- return to staying well below 1000cal, preferably below 800cal, and exercising too. This starts tomorrow. This weight has got to go ! It's already nearly August ! Bit over a month before I'm moving out!! Which is super exciting, as then I'll have no one watching or commenting on how much or what I eat and no one forcing me to eat meals with them. Hooray ! And back to walking absolutely everywhere. I cannot cannot cannot wait. I just hope I've found a job before then.

That was excessively long and rather rambley, and now I have a bit of a headache so I'm going to go meet my friends and drink more water.

I know I'm back in my habit of not commenting, but I will later. Forreal. (ha.) OH, and on the subject of comments, all your helpful ones last week combined with the shit night I had on saturday has made me realize I shouldn't drink. It just fucks everything over, since my tolerance is still so high..too many cals. Bah.