aqua.

i want a barbie. i never played with barbie or any kind of dolls when i was little. and now i want one-- to remind me of how thin i should be, and of how fat i am.

today was another failure. i need to stop this. i didn't get out of bed 'til one since i didn't go to bed 'til 5am. then had my gummy vitamins, a fage greek yogurt with blueberries, and one of those goddamn blondie things i made. which i decided i really don't like all that much.
[i wanna try making them again, with half the flour and maybe throw in some cinnamon. goddamn, now i'm craving cinnamon. in the morning, in the morning. maybe if i get up and have a good workout i'll treat myself to a skinny latte. nah, i won't. but i'll have some coffee with cinnamon.]
anyway, also had a cup of that yogi green tea that *supposedly* suppresses appetite. not sure if it did shit, but there we go. then...what else? i sat around, caught up on last night's LOST, then found something else to watch. half-heartedly did some orgo studying. thenn, had a teeny tiny slice of hawaiian pizza that i made last night. it was delicious, so whatever. i fucking love pineapple. so so much. and it was like, a fifth of a 7" pizza. so pretty small. and it had ham and pineapple. both relatively healthy. minimal preservatives. thenn, i had a tiny sliver of mushroom pizza, also that i made, also from last night. still not good though. and a cracker. then for dinner i made an omelette. supposedly egg whites, but one yolk broke and i was too lazy to fish it all out. thenn put some spinach mushrooms tomatoes and a bit of cheese in it. it was deliciousss also. i figure veg and protein..okay-ish. thenn had a piece of bread though :( bah.

thinking about it..that wasn't too much. before dinner i did a halfassed 5min biking and 5min elliptical. haha. boosted my metabolism a tiny bit, at least. thenn when i got back from finally seeing the bf, i had two spoonfuls of ice cream and a bowl of mixed granola and cheerios with some blueberries. well, and a nibble of one of those cakey icky blondies i made. i'm actually pissed as fuck that they turned out so shitty. go look at how good they look here.

anywho. too lazy to add up calories. plus i feel guilty for not working out. oh, last night at work had some milky coffee drink thing. and half a slice of pepperoni pizza. i picked out most of the pepperoni though. bah.

tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow i will work out and burn a minimum of 500 calories. ABSOLUTE MINIMUM.

..

not eating makes me feel like shit. i've never had so much anger and frustration and just...hate. built up inside me. and i don't know how to deal with it. i'm hungry. but i'm scared to eat. once i start i can't stop.


help me.

crash and burn.

worst part about being home? mum keeps making my favorite foods, which i CANNOT say no to. :(

though i suppose i didn't eat too much. guessing the homemade pizza was around 400cal. maybe 500. plus some salad, with balsamic vinegar. plus three crackers. 75cal. then a banana chocolate chip blondie. 175cal. plus the choc chips i nibbled on while baking them. goddamn.

work...half a piece of leftover pizza..150cal. half slice of chipati bread..50cal.

so let's see. 950cal. plus the 325 from earlier in the day... oh plus an apple. 50cal. equals...
1325.

blech. ran two miles and ellipticalled a bit. was too achey to do too much though. burned 450cal at the gym. guess that makes today an overall 875. which is double what it should be. more than double.

but, tonight was my last tuesday 10-4am shift. thank god.

sleeping in tomorrow, then having yogurt for breakfast. drinking tea throughout the day - that yogi blueberry green tea stuff. and FRUIT. one blondie tomorrow night as a treat if i've done well. and 1hour goal for cardio. maybe do some light weights to tone.

fucking fatass, time to shape up.

tuesday.

goal for today is just to do better than yesterday work 10pm-4am so that'll be lots of moving about, burning calories. and if i really get hungry, i can get celery and carrots. no breadsticks.
50cal breakfast; 1/4 pink grapefruit ~ 25cal
                         gummy vitamins ~ 25cal
205cal lunch; ritz crackers ~ 80cal
                     tuna salad ~ 45cal
                     celery ~ 5cal
                     red grapes ~ 25cal
                     dark chocolate mingle ~ 50cal
70cal pre-workout snack; .5 strawberry fiber one bar ~ 70cal

total; 325cal.

hmmph.

still haven't pooped. don't care whether or not you care, I GODDAMN CARE.

anywho.
B: light vanilla yogurt, granola, oats, banana ~ 210cal
--400cal elliptical/150cal treadmill = 550cals burned
**doc appt, he said i'm at a healthy weight, that i should be between 120 and 126. pshh. f that.
L: ACV water (did it help? don't know. i felt full..?)
    moe's...naked triple lindy junior ~ 164cal
      ..but, i ate some chips. ~ 100cal.
         total...264cal
snack/grazing: red grapes (30cal), 2 crackers (15cal each)
D: cod cooked in skim milk with chive cream cheese (200), mushrooms, broccoli(50), and tomatoes. with a small piece of multigrain toast, with a little olivio spread (70).
unnecessary binge: bowl of granola with skim milk and blueberries ~ 200cal
                                 one chocolate ~ 50cal
                                 mixed dried fruit/chocolate chips ~ 75cal
                                 cracker with cheese ~ 75cal

so let's see. time to add. 474 60 320 400  = 1254. wowowow. fail, since i wanted to be near 700. goddamn. and i can't even blame moes, i had a fucking 400cal binge. damnitt.

but, i burned 550. so 1254-550=704. hmm. success? no.

not good enough.

quick.

just got back from the gym. need a quick shower then doc appt. bathroom scales say 124, don't think that's right. see what it says at the doctors.

210cal breakfast...banana, low fat yogurt, and a bit of dry oatmeal.


--
alright, official weight....126lbs. exactly 9stone. not thrilled about it, but i can definitely get down to 124 by march 9th. that's eight days from now.
not gonna lie, i suck at restricting. right now i'm watching real housewives and looking at thinspo and my tummy's still grumbling. need to get out of the house. which hmm, i need to get going soon hah. bank then visiting my old high school. burned 550cal at the gym, which felt good. just don't want to ruin it. going to go early tomorrow morning too, get my metabolism up first thing.

apparently i need 2100cal/day, according to this calc thing online. another said around 1800. let's assume i need 1900 (somewhat of a middle point) to maintain my current weight. 3500cal to every pound of fat. i want to lose two pounds in basically a week. so i should aim for an overall restriction of 1000cal everyday. that can come from either exercise or diet. so right now let's say i'm at -340cal right now. but then again my intake has just been 210. soo, if i restrict by 1000, that means my overall intake today can be 900, give or take. and if i go over a little, it's okay, because of that workout earlier. right? not sure i'm making sense. off to mix some acv water to drink before i get dragged to moe's. already figured out what i'm having.
i used to get:  a tofu homewrecker over 1000cal (i forget the exact.)
-tofu
-pinto beans
-rice
-cheese
-sour cream
-guacamole
-lettuce
-tomatoes
-and chips.
today i shall have a junior triple lindy- around 330cal, unless i do it naked.
-tofu, pinto beans, rice, lettuce, tomatoes, and guacamole. i could lower it by like 75cal if i got rid of the guac but..avocados have healthy fats in them. and then later i can think about how i already had a fatty banana and fatty guac so i don't need chocolate. deal? deal. i'm excited.

also, i can tell mum i ate a TON and be excused from eating too much at dinner !

i'm off. think thin!

now.

following this for at least the next week. i can do it, i know. since i'm around mum,  however, i'll give myself an extra 200cal allowance for each day. but try to stay closer to those amounts. basically..i need to not eat unless i'm being seen eating. ie, at dinner. i can do this. my problem is that i love to snack..need to cure that. there's lots of blueberries in the fridge..need to stick to fruit rather than carbs when i'm weak-minded.

resisted chocolate earlier for SO. LONG. like an hour and a half, even though it was right next to me and rest of the family kept eating it. then..i gave in. okay, i thought, i'll just have one. a dark chocolate one. which turned into two. then three, four, five..six? i don't even remember. then a small piece of multigrain toast, and now my tummy looks disgusting but still feels hungry.

havent pooped in like two days. well..maybe day and a half. getting on for two days. not liking this one bit. currently drinking sea salt in water. warm water, 'cause it's coarse sea salt and i wasn't sure it'd dissolve. no results yet.

also going to start the apple cider vinegar thing. opened one of the cupboards downstairs and saw that there was a bottle of acv AND some sea salt ! will try them both out, then buy some for me to take back to college with me if results are favorable.

better.

home = food everywhere. i dunno. getting better though.

b: 11:30: small amount of oatmeal with skim milk, blueberries
l: 1:30: tuna with lemon juice, olive oil, and black pepper, in a yellow pepper, with carrots, zucchini, mushroom, and a tiny bit of mozzarella, some lettuce, a bit of hummus, and a small piece of bread (yes, i realize now/as i began to eat that it was alot. but mum was there..).
l2: around 4: other half of l, didn't finish pepper.
d: mum made me eat all of it. it = chicken breast, with cream cheese inside (i begged her for no bacon wrapped around it), one small chunk of roast potato, three small baked sweet potato..chunks, for lack of a better word, some carrots, and a ton of broccoli.

now, i love broccoli. and i resisted the temptation of a nice small piece of multigrain bread with just a tiiiiny bit of butter....but my tummy is so so so full right now. i did a mad quick 15min 200cal elliptical sesh in the basement literally two minutes before we ate. so that's prob why i feel so full. nothing else but water for me tonight. need to buy more green tea tomorrow. and maybe apple cider vinegar, i hear? hmm. we shall see. this week will be easier now, 'cause parents AND brother will be at work :) going to moe's tomorrow with I for lunch, gotta look on their website and see how i can minimize the damage. i'll be able to get out of too much dinner by telling mum i ate a ton though. got to drive her to work so i can have the car, so hoping for an intense 60min workout between that and my doc appt afterwards. hoping the scales there will reflect what the ones at the ccrb and at home have been saying. very worried though. haven't been weighing myself as often. and i'm so not about to right now, when i'm full to bursting.

failure times two.

okay, worked out this morning, but still. i feel so disgusting still. i ate all day. potbelly's was good, but all that chocolate tonight? unnecessary. going back for more lasagna?? unnecessary. ICE CREAM?! what the fuck am i thinking? i'm fucking up all that i've worked for and i hate it. i can't stand this shit.

starting tomorrow, no more of this shit. i can have one chocolate, maybe two ( goddamn this english chocolate everywhere). yogurt or oatmeal and FRUIT for breakfast. veggies for lunch. then whatever mum makes for dinner but in moderation. limit carbs. limit sugar. carbs must be whole grain. yes.

god i hate myself. must work out tomorrow morning before work. thank god for the elliptical in the basement.

so fucking sick of being home already. and i miss bf.

failure.

yesterday...was a massive failure. didn't work out, though i did go to work, and i ate everything in site, then drank, then ate more. don't want to add it up. i'm sure it's over 2000. feel so sick right now. must work out. must not eat. must punish weak body.

title:

just under 1400cal for today. only did 420 on the elliptical, then a bit of weights and some abs. blah. feel like it was good for me to have another resting day. and a good eating day. ate pretty healthily at least, except the cookies. they were oatmeal raisin at least..

dunno if i'll drink tonight. already feel sick from eating. blah.

new name.

new name. pursuit of perfection.

new URL, too, sorry.

today = fail. had just my oatmeal, then since this paper is driving me crazy and i needed a change of scenery, i migrated to the dining hall. mac & cheese = fail. over 400cals. blech. then an apple, good, grapes, good, peanut butter...bad, two cookies...worse.

fuck.

more cookies, some cheerios...already over 1000 for today. but been eating slow so can't purge. might go buy laxatives but a bit nervous about that.

fasting tomorrow.

jfkds

getting better at this not-eating-everything-in-sight thing. except for that hershey's on my desk. i don't even like hershey's, there just weren't any m&m's left for me to have just one or two, so i broke into that. gross. and just now i had chocolate frosting and peanut butter by the spoonful. i wasn't even hungry, i'm just thirsty. that's disgusting.
but whatever. breakfast was a luna bar, lunch was greek yogurt (deeeelish), and dinner was salmon, chicken, little bit of rice, broccoli, grapes, boursin, crackers, and chocolate mousse. not too healthy, i know, but i only had a bit of each..i did eat all the chicken though. i love chicken and it was actually quite good. can't wait for some home cooking next week (although i know mum will make sure i eat loads..) esp since mum's gone on a health kick with her healthy cookbooks hah.
got hungry at work last night around 2. had celery sticks and baby carrots. yum. okay, with a little bit of ranch and chipati sauce, but whatever. i worked six hours. and i was walking around doing stuff that whole time. so it's whatever.

still haven't goten this goddamn sixpage paper done. wishing i'd started earlier instead of putting it off until now..it's due tomorrow at midnight but i really don't want to have to deal with it too much tomorrow. gotten everything else done for tomorrow though. getting coffee with S at eleven, then chem discussion, then finish off this paper/edit etc, then french, then DONESKIES. might come back here then hop on over to the gym, eat a tiny bit, maybe hockey game with the bf if he ends up getting me a ticket ( i mean, i'll pay for it, i just don't want to get one and then ask if that's okay. if that makes sense). then maybe some drinksies (i mean..they have a fucking mixer) then some good sex with the bf i'm hoping. it's been far too long and i'm pissed that he ruined my plans for his birthday. but whatever.

something's beeping. loudly. think it's coming from the room next door. goddamn it. what the fuck. that and goddamn band practice downstairs is annoying. going to have to go somewhere else to try to write this paper looks like. what's pissing me off the most is that the beeping is totally off time to the music. that's fucking with me big time.

guess i should get this done, maybe work out, and then crash. i'm exhausted.

today.

127. progress. worked out, 400cal or so.

ate dinner with bf. it was delicious. i figure sweet potato fries aren't too bad. better than reg potatos. and they're delish. then had a panini w chicken cheese and pineapple. figure it's enough protein and carbs are my weakness anyway.

time for work.

give and take.

drank quite a bit this weekend. need to work out lots to get all those nasty toxins and that goddamn acetate out of my body. couldn't yesterday 'cause of work.. nearly fasted all day, save for two chips and a crouton at work, but weakened and got dinner. fish and salad, pretty healthy, and a little bit of pasta, thennn hit the ice cream. then later, grapes! healthy! thenn.. easy mac. and m&ms. but whatever. it's okay. 

already had my oatmeal for today :) yum. going to hopefully not eat 'til after office hours and then head down to yost. 

figured out what i want to say to bf. you forget about me when you're drunk, and it makes me feel like i don't matter, and that i'm not good enough. so that makes me feel like i have to be better to get your attention - which is why i was so desperate to sober up. not that you noticed. and all i want to do is look like one of the alpha phi girls because they're tiny. and maybe if i was prettier and skinnier and just all around better, you wouldn't forget about me. plus then, when you spend all your time just talking to other girls and texting other girls at parties it's like a slap in the face, like, i'm not good enough so you need to talk to them. and it fucking blows.

just so you know.

but, it's his birthday, so i'm not sure if i can.

yikes.

i hate that word. expression. whatever.

but wow, i'm already up to 935. i mean, i supposedly burned like 600cal at the gym. but still. blech. i feel bloaty and fat and gross and i have no clue what to wear tonight :( booo. and i'm hungry, and i want to drink tonight, which means i must eat.. caf's closed so got to eat out, too. blech. thinking jimmy johns, went on the website and figure out a turkey tom unwich isn't too bad a\s long as you get it without cheese or mayo. my friend is gonna think i'm a freak. whatever. then i may take a nap before showering and going out. i actually had a somewhat productive day, got like half my maths assignment done. so yay for that. also lookedup some stuff for my psych paper, yay:)

alright, buhbye.

(:

so, stayed under 1200 yesterday, which i think of as progress. baby steps, i've realized that if i just straight don't let myself eat anything, i only end up bingeing at night. so there we go. went to the gym yesterday, did a couple miles on the elliptical ( only  250cal though) then did a bit of weights and some abs. i'm about to go again,and really want to work on my abs. give me that flat tummy :)
last night was first night of shitshow, the bf was drunkk which was hilarious:) love him. i didn't drink too much, though i'm still feeling it a little so i'm putting off driving anywhere (i have bf's car, he was way too drunk to drive this morning). i had two cups of his pineappley malibu vodka concoction, which wasn't too strong and absolutely delicious, two shots to pregame, then a couple of beers. i thought i did quite well :) so yes i know that adds alot more calories on, and i'm feeling guilty that i'll then drink again tonight, but as long as i work out and get some studying done, i feel like it's a good reward.

oh balls. just remembered the pizza and breadsticks we got. that were delish, but horrible for you. blahh. whatever. i'm not bloated so i don't care. as long as i do well all week i feel like the weekend can be my reward.

anywho, might make some oatmeal then it's off to the gym :)

progress!

mini binge earlier on some banana bread. slept all day, unintentionally, which is good 'cause i didn't eat, but kinda shit 'cause it means i didn't move around or burn many calories. first night of r's shitshow weekend tonight, so got to save calories for the alcohol, but also need to eat close to the time so i don't get sick. 'cause that'll piss him off. plus i want to be drunk and have a good time but not be a mess. i dunno. we'll see.
super excited for it, cause he usually doesn't really drink, but also nervous and i feel like we're gonna get pissed at eachother, or i'm gonna get mad at him at least. bah.

still under 600cal for today, which is progress. off to the gym, if i burn 600cals might reward myself with going tanning. then meeting some friends across campus for dinner, i'll just have a salad. very excited.

love love.

progress.

1550 today, would've been 1000 or under, but had a few beers with the bf. bah. but, worked out and burned 600cals on the elliptical earlier (did i already say that?) andd then had kayak club practice for two hours. so i feel like it's whatever.

i mean i'm still a fucking ugly fat pig, but whatever, right? who cares?      i do...

progress.

making progress. had my oatmeal this morning, then went to a research study at the b-school (which makes me want to go into business.. and then made me wonder what i do want to study..) then went to the gym and ellipticalled 600cals. hell yes. felt good. now i've got aheadache though. damn period. andd came back and just had baby carrots and a small piece of beef jerky (low in fat and high in protein) then went to class, came back, had banana bread and peanut butter (such a weakness. but so good. and pb has protein) then an apple. i feel quite content.
gonna take some advil then off to the rink !

byee