first.

Last night I had a dream I met some guy, and told him he was cute. He goes, "well we should go out!" and that was it, he was my boyfriend. I forget the rest, but I ended up going on a mountainous hike with Dumbledore as part of a DTD computer game/rave contest. And ran around my old middle school for a bit. Anyway.

I have no class today, and this paper is due at midnight, so I'm sat outside in the courtyard of my dorm figuring out spring/fall classes and working on it. It's a gorgeous day out already, and it's supposed to be 74F. So so excited. Supposed to be going disc golfing with a friend from high school later on, and then talking to R tonight. Not sure if it's even worth it in a way..I don't think I can change his mind, and I'm not sure I'll be able to say what I really want to say. I don't know, I love him. That's what I know. That, and I've figured my life out, and want to be with him.

Woke up, later than I intended to, but what the hell :) did my first workout with Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I was a bit embarrassed to be honest..it was sort of hard :( but, i feel like it's good for toning muscles, which I definitely need. Plus it was a nice amount of cardio to wake up to, since I didn't really feel like dragging myself to the gym after going 'til midnight last night. Had an apple before Jillian, haven't had anything since. Getting hungry, not sure what I'm going to do about that to be honest. Maybe let myself go to the dining hall in a couple of hours..make a salad? They have ham and turkey in the salad bar at lunch..bit of good old protein. Anywho, I'm off to finish this paper hopefully, as well as sort out what class to take this spring and what to take in the fall.

Stay strong, happy April! It's a new beginning, so let's do this :) xx

full.

I want to feel empty. I want to be empty. I feel so full even though I tried to purge. Not sure how much I got up though, other than hopefully all the toast and peanut butter. Maybe some of the cereal too, I wasn't sure. Dinner around 7:30 was little bit of hummus and rice, and some black bean salad. plus a bit of chickeny pasta, I just picked the chicken out. Then about a bowl and a half of cereal, and said peanut butter on toast. Blah.

Tomorrow, I shall exercise. Inside, outside, at the gym, as much as I can. Will I eat? Probably, yes, but not much. I feel disgusting having so much food inside me.

Watching supersize vs. super skinny on youtube. love it love it love it.

Tomorrow's April1st - new month, fresh start. :)

up.

124 this morning. was scared to weigh myself 'cause i knew i'd gained. had 190cal before i hit the gym this morning, and burned 400cal before class. plus did a ton of abs.
then went to the dining hall and had black beans (50) potato salad (100) bit of rice (50) turkey sandwich (250) andd low fat blueberry muffin (150). 600. so up to basically 800 and it's not even one. okayyy.

ugh.

i binged.

ohhh god, how i binged. half a burger, piece of salmon, bit of potato salad, some cheesy thing, little piece of chicken, slice of key lime cheesecake, 3 strawberries, 4 grapes, two bowls of cereal.

fuck. and so i purged. first successful purge. god it hurts. couldn't get much past the cereal/cheesecake up. i'm such a fucking failure.

tuuesday.

already at 550. fail.
ah well. off to the gym.
so far had apple, 1/4 rice cake, 2 peanutbutter m&ms, fiber one bar, bit of soup, bit of potato salad, and a fucking cookie.

skinny girls don't eat cookies..

off to the gym.

edit:
back, did some abs, biked (50cal?) and elliptical (250cal). would've done waaay more but my legs still hurt from my tumble down the stairs.

being dragged to the dining hall. i shall have an orange.
byee.

fear.

right now i'm afraid to plan. afraid to tell myself how much i will eat. because i'm afraid i'll just fail.
i have class straight from 11-15 so i usually eat after or take a granola bar with me. which do i do? i don't know. neither? but then i'll binge at dinner..unless i skip dinner too? don't be silly, you've been binging so much lately you know you can't fast today. it just won't work.
okay. right now? i'll have an apple.

take a fiber one bar for later. that's 140cal but should fill me up.

if i'm starving when i come back, applesauce or fruit.

then, i must go workout. my splint may not let me lift, but i can still do cardio no excuses.

dinner. hmm. probably going to be invited by the usual crew. i could make a turkey sandwich. fair amount of turkey, one slice of cheese, lettuce and tomato, bit of mustard, and shove it in the panini maker. i never eat the crusts, so call it 120 from the bread, maybe 300 total? then if i insist of dessert or a snack.. i'll force myself to go to amer's to get froyo. that way i have to pay, and i have to leave the building, so i'll have to really want it. and no reese's or chocolate on that froyo, either. original tart with some berries. the end.

please please let me have enough strength and willpower to do this. i think i can. i hope i can. let's try.

gross.

i am such a failure. i can't even go a day without sabotaging myself.

i fucking hate this. i deserve to be miserable. i deserve to be fat and ugly. i deserve to be alone.

god i miss him.

day one.

orange. 45cal.
whitefish. 60cal.
chicken. 100cal.
broccoli. 45cal.
toast/peanut butter. 150cal.
.5 banana. 40cal.

total: 440cal. progress.

3579 is not going to work until i get my intake down more. add to today, bowl of cereal. 200cal.

640cal.

three hundred.

is what i'm allowed for the day. so far had half a small orange. probably going to eat the rest of it before i leave for class..so 45cal. will make green tea when i return around twelve, to put off hunger until maybe an apple after the rest of class/i go get my hand looked at. which doesn't look too bad now, but i need a goddamn doctor's note for work.

off to get dressed. hopefully work out tonight. need to get back into that. too lazy.

??

2468 or abc?

i cannot decide.

--
edit. yes i can. 2468 let's go. but modified, for the first cycle, to 3579. yes, i'm weak. sorry.

sunday morning, rain is falling.

i always feel thin sunday mornings. not sure. although right now i just feel sick.

think i may have broken my thumb. that sounds silly. but it's the part where it's really just hand. but it still is part of the thumb. sort of. that sounds..stupid. whatever. it hurts. although i can type..? wrapped it up to immobilize it and i can move the other fingers so it doesnt really hurt too much. got the day off work (i carry trays on my left hand, didn't see how it would work) but i need a doctors note now. and uhs (university health services, free) is closed sunday of course. and dont really feel like explaining to mum and dad. so i suppose i shall wait until tomorrow. oh, and as for how, i fell down this spiral staircase last night and i'm assuming that would be the cause. oh my it hurts.

more i think about it, the less i think it's actually broken. cute boy i met at breakfast said i probably sprained the ligaments. fair guess.

just realized i basically use this blog instead of my personal one, rather than in addition to. if you're curious about my life outside of trying to be thin, head over to bipolarintricacies.blogspot.com and check it out. they're under seperate blogger accounts so that my friends don't see this. though no one really reads that one either. so no worries. i suppose.

shopping yesterday was fun, got a dress and a skirt and some tops...yes, it made me depressed that i need mediums not smalls in abercrombie these days. but it's motivation. and yes, i was horribly bloated and felt and looked like a fat cow, but it's also motivation. yes, i ate lunch. but just a salad. i figured walking all the way around the mall burned a fair number of calories. then came back adn went to potbelly's. looked it up online, figured id let myself have my beloved mushroom melt for 380cal. but then i had sunchips, too. 200cal. why? not a clue. and i was still starving after. i felt so empty. ended up going for froyo later. apparently the ex's best friend works there. pretty sure she recognized me. awk.
anywho, so i of course had no self control and piled chocolate chips and reeses on my delicious yogurt. and some strawberries and pineapple. but still. blech. no self control. then tried and failed to get any work done. had a bad charlie horse all day so couldnt work out. watched the hockey game. was upset i wasnt there. ex was. may be going tonight with him. not sure. prob bad idea.

so then i ended up going out. didnt intend to drink much. drank so much. blah. fuck me. went to pancheros. got a chicken quesadilla. i remember that much. so drunk.

this morning had toast and eggs. bit of hash browns. bit of cheese. bit of turkey. and two chocolate chip cookies. that's disgusting.

going back to bed then to the library.

ps- i have followers? :)

sickening.

last night i was upset. so what did i do? i ran away to food. did i go to panchero's, get a chicken quesadilla, and eat half? no. i went to btb, got a fucking DELUXE shredded chicken, and ate nearly the whole thing. so many calories. that and the beer alone is more than my daily intake should be.
plus half a slice of pizza at work.
plus four cookies after lunch.
plus my bingetastic lunch of mac and cheese and a bit of a turkey sandwich.

it amazes me how i manage to do this to myself. i'm not a bitch and i'm not cocky, but i know that i'm pretty. and i should have more love and respect for my body than to poison it so.

mum's taking me shopping today. yay. not excited anymore since i'm so disgustingly bloated. i hate this. i miss him.

oh, and i had some rather random dreams last night. all very vivid though. in one of them i had a massive black eye (i was rather upset it's not actually there, it looked fucking badass), and in another, i looked in the mirror and saw my body morph to be even fatter. disgusting. my arms freaked me out the most, as it wasn't a full length mirror. they looked like this:

blech. that scared me. alot. would go work out, but must go shower before mum picks me up.

here's to a better day.

hi im drunk. just inhaled a btb shredded chicken deluxe burrito. blech.


i am a disgusting fat cow.

comfort food.

so hungover. i feel terrible. why oh why am i so stupid? whyy would i stay there?

too lazy to go workout.

went to the caf. binged on mac and cheese. made a sandwich, didnt really eat it. grabbed a cookie. went back down an hour later just to get cookies. four of them, to be exact.

i feel so so sick.

gorgeous.

i have no self control.

i'm so fucking disgusted with myself.
nachos and sweet-and-sour chicken.
then, tiiniest piece of cake. with a little bit of ice cream. not to bad, right?
til i add on the toast with peanut butter and honey. i am disgusting.

i fucking deserve to be fat. the scale saying 122.5 this morning was a joke.


**edit
look to the future. replace "if only i hadn't.." with "next time.."

lazyday.

it's rainy and miserable. didn't get out of bed 'til 11 or so. watched some jamie oliver. love him.
had a aussie(?) down under yogurt...creamy and low fat and delish with pink grapefruit in it. 140cal. so not great. but fuck it.
went to the gym before class, did some weights and abs, and 200cal on elliptical. got there late so couldnt do much more.
tummy's bloated so i'm pissed. going to a party at the ex's frat tonight so i need to look damn fucking good.
on the bright side, scale at the gym said 122.5. i'm craving those teens.
just went to the caf cause iw as starving..ended up binging a little. guessing 160cal fromcookies, 80cal potato pancake, 40cal coleslaw/carrots.

call it 450 so far, cause i usually tend to underestimate. blah. planning on drinking a fair amount tonight, so best stay away from food.

off to the shops with mum, need new black pants for work.

think thin x

binge binge binge

winge winge winge.

worked out. 400cal plus some abs. pitiful, really.

ate noodles&co for lunch. it was delicious, at least. lots of chicken = protein. then two beef tacos for dinner. and softserve cause i was so anxious about my exam. and just now, a bagel and cream cheese. and a pretzel rod. blah. make me stop. not going to add all those up.

weighed myself at the gym. 123. should've lost more than that.

fuck.

massive disgusting cookie binge. can i really  not even go a measly 5 hours awake without stuffing my face? no more food for me today.

edit:: of course, then i went to no thai with my roommate. then got ice cream. wow. i'm pathetic.

rainy day.

off to the gym. aka off to also weigh myself for the first time in a week and a half. i'm terrified. hah.
took some pictures this morning. figure no one really reads this anyone so no reason not to post. don't judge my dorky undies, they're comfy to sleep in :)

blech.

gross.

i can do better.

baha.

don't care that they're all photoshopped, this certainly killed my appetite.

http://www.freakingnews.com/Fat-People-Pictures--328-0.asp