now.

following this for at least the next week. i can do it, i know. since i'm around mum,  however, i'll give myself an extra 200cal allowance for each day. but try to stay closer to those amounts. basically..i need to not eat unless i'm being seen eating. ie, at dinner. i can do this. my problem is that i love to snack..need to cure that. there's lots of blueberries in the fridge..need to stick to fruit rather than carbs when i'm weak-minded.

resisted chocolate earlier for SO. LONG. like an hour and a half, even though it was right next to me and rest of the family kept eating it. then..i gave in. okay, i thought, i'll just have one. a dark chocolate one. which turned into two. then three, four, five..six? i don't even remember. then a small piece of multigrain toast, and now my tummy looks disgusting but still feels hungry.

havent pooped in like two days. well..maybe day and a half. getting on for two days. not liking this one bit. currently drinking sea salt in water. warm water, 'cause it's coarse sea salt and i wasn't sure it'd dissolve. no results yet.

also going to start the apple cider vinegar thing. opened one of the cupboards downstairs and saw that there was a bottle of acv AND some sea salt ! will try them both out, then buy some for me to take back to college with me if results are favorable.

better.

home = food everywhere. i dunno. getting better though.

b: 11:30: small amount of oatmeal with skim milk, blueberries
l: 1:30: tuna with lemon juice, olive oil, and black pepper, in a yellow pepper, with carrots, zucchini, mushroom, and a tiny bit of mozzarella, some lettuce, a bit of hummus, and a small piece of bread (yes, i realize now/as i began to eat that it was alot. but mum was there..).
l2: around 4: other half of l, didn't finish pepper.
d: mum made me eat all of it. it = chicken breast, with cream cheese inside (i begged her for no bacon wrapped around it), one small chunk of roast potato, three small baked sweet potato..chunks, for lack of a better word, some carrots, and a ton of broccoli.

now, i love broccoli. and i resisted the temptation of a nice small piece of multigrain bread with just a tiiiiny bit of butter....but my tummy is so so so full right now. i did a mad quick 15min 200cal elliptical sesh in the basement literally two minutes before we ate. so that's prob why i feel so full. nothing else but water for me tonight. need to buy more green tea tomorrow. and maybe apple cider vinegar, i hear? hmm. we shall see. this week will be easier now, 'cause parents AND brother will be at work :) going to moe's tomorrow with I for lunch, gotta look on their website and see how i can minimize the damage. i'll be able to get out of too much dinner by telling mum i ate a ton though. got to drive her to work so i can have the car, so hoping for an intense 60min workout between that and my doc appt afterwards. hoping the scales there will reflect what the ones at the ccrb and at home have been saying. very worried though. haven't been weighing myself as often. and i'm so not about to right now, when i'm full to bursting.

failure times two.

okay, worked out this morning, but still. i feel so disgusting still. i ate all day. potbelly's was good, but all that chocolate tonight? unnecessary. going back for more lasagna?? unnecessary. ICE CREAM?! what the fuck am i thinking? i'm fucking up all that i've worked for and i hate it. i can't stand this shit.

starting tomorrow, no more of this shit. i can have one chocolate, maybe two ( goddamn this english chocolate everywhere). yogurt or oatmeal and FRUIT for breakfast. veggies for lunch. then whatever mum makes for dinner but in moderation. limit carbs. limit sugar. carbs must be whole grain. yes.

god i hate myself. must work out tomorrow morning before work. thank god for the elliptical in the basement.

so fucking sick of being home already. and i miss bf.

failure.

yesterday...was a massive failure. didn't work out, though i did go to work, and i ate everything in site, then drank, then ate more. don't want to add it up. i'm sure it's over 2000. feel so sick right now. must work out. must not eat. must punish weak body.

title:

just under 1400cal for today. only did 420 on the elliptical, then a bit of weights and some abs. blah. feel like it was good for me to have another resting day. and a good eating day. ate pretty healthily at least, except the cookies. they were oatmeal raisin at least..

dunno if i'll drink tonight. already feel sick from eating. blah.

new name.

new name. pursuit of perfection.

new URL, too, sorry.

today = fail. had just my oatmeal, then since this paper is driving me crazy and i needed a change of scenery, i migrated to the dining hall. mac & cheese = fail. over 400cals. blech. then an apple, good, grapes, good, peanut butter...bad, two cookies...worse.

fuck.

more cookies, some cheerios...already over 1000 for today. but been eating slow so can't purge. might go buy laxatives but a bit nervous about that.

fasting tomorrow.

jfkds

getting better at this not-eating-everything-in-sight thing. except for that hershey's on my desk. i don't even like hershey's, there just weren't any m&m's left for me to have just one or two, so i broke into that. gross. and just now i had chocolate frosting and peanut butter by the spoonful. i wasn't even hungry, i'm just thirsty. that's disgusting.
but whatever. breakfast was a luna bar, lunch was greek yogurt (deeeelish), and dinner was salmon, chicken, little bit of rice, broccoli, grapes, boursin, crackers, and chocolate mousse. not too healthy, i know, but i only had a bit of each..i did eat all the chicken though. i love chicken and it was actually quite good. can't wait for some home cooking next week (although i know mum will make sure i eat loads..) esp since mum's gone on a health kick with her healthy cookbooks hah.
got hungry at work last night around 2. had celery sticks and baby carrots. yum. okay, with a little bit of ranch and chipati sauce, but whatever. i worked six hours. and i was walking around doing stuff that whole time. so it's whatever.

still haven't goten this goddamn sixpage paper done. wishing i'd started earlier instead of putting it off until now..it's due tomorrow at midnight but i really don't want to have to deal with it too much tomorrow. gotten everything else done for tomorrow though. getting coffee with S at eleven, then chem discussion, then finish off this paper/edit etc, then french, then DONESKIES. might come back here then hop on over to the gym, eat a tiny bit, maybe hockey game with the bf if he ends up getting me a ticket ( i mean, i'll pay for it, i just don't want to get one and then ask if that's okay. if that makes sense). then maybe some drinksies (i mean..they have a fucking mixer) then some good sex with the bf i'm hoping. it's been far too long and i'm pissed that he ruined my plans for his birthday. but whatever.

something's beeping. loudly. think it's coming from the room next door. goddamn it. what the fuck. that and goddamn band practice downstairs is annoying. going to have to go somewhere else to try to write this paper looks like. what's pissing me off the most is that the beeping is totally off time to the music. that's fucking with me big time.

guess i should get this done, maybe work out, and then crash. i'm exhausted.

today.

127. progress. worked out, 400cal or so.

ate dinner with bf. it was delicious. i figure sweet potato fries aren't too bad. better than reg potatos. and they're delish. then had a panini w chicken cheese and pineapple. figure it's enough protein and carbs are my weakness anyway.

time for work.

give and take.

drank quite a bit this weekend. need to work out lots to get all those nasty toxins and that goddamn acetate out of my body. couldn't yesterday 'cause of work.. nearly fasted all day, save for two chips and a crouton at work, but weakened and got dinner. fish and salad, pretty healthy, and a little bit of pasta, thennn hit the ice cream. then later, grapes! healthy! thenn.. easy mac. and m&ms. but whatever. it's okay. 

already had my oatmeal for today :) yum. going to hopefully not eat 'til after office hours and then head down to yost. 

figured out what i want to say to bf. you forget about me when you're drunk, and it makes me feel like i don't matter, and that i'm not good enough. so that makes me feel like i have to be better to get your attention - which is why i was so desperate to sober up. not that you noticed. and all i want to do is look like one of the alpha phi girls because they're tiny. and maybe if i was prettier and skinnier and just all around better, you wouldn't forget about me. plus then, when you spend all your time just talking to other girls and texting other girls at parties it's like a slap in the face, like, i'm not good enough so you need to talk to them. and it fucking blows.

just so you know.

but, it's his birthday, so i'm not sure if i can.

yikes.

i hate that word. expression. whatever.

but wow, i'm already up to 935. i mean, i supposedly burned like 600cal at the gym. but still. blech. i feel bloaty and fat and gross and i have no clue what to wear tonight :( booo. and i'm hungry, and i want to drink tonight, which means i must eat.. caf's closed so got to eat out, too. blech. thinking jimmy johns, went on the website and figure out a turkey tom unwich isn't too bad a\s long as you get it without cheese or mayo. my friend is gonna think i'm a freak. whatever. then i may take a nap before showering and going out. i actually had a somewhat productive day, got like half my maths assignment done. so yay for that. also lookedup some stuff for my psych paper, yay:)

alright, buhbye.

(:

so, stayed under 1200 yesterday, which i think of as progress. baby steps, i've realized that if i just straight don't let myself eat anything, i only end up bingeing at night. so there we go. went to the gym yesterday, did a couple miles on the elliptical ( only  250cal though) then did a bit of weights and some abs. i'm about to go again,and really want to work on my abs. give me that flat tummy :)
last night was first night of shitshow, the bf was drunkk which was hilarious:) love him. i didn't drink too much, though i'm still feeling it a little so i'm putting off driving anywhere (i have bf's car, he was way too drunk to drive this morning). i had two cups of his pineappley malibu vodka concoction, which wasn't too strong and absolutely delicious, two shots to pregame, then a couple of beers. i thought i did quite well :) so yes i know that adds alot more calories on, and i'm feeling guilty that i'll then drink again tonight, but as long as i work out and get some studying done, i feel like it's a good reward.

oh balls. just remembered the pizza and breadsticks we got. that were delish, but horrible for you. blahh. whatever. i'm not bloated so i don't care. as long as i do well all week i feel like the weekend can be my reward.

anywho, might make some oatmeal then it's off to the gym :)

progress!

mini binge earlier on some banana bread. slept all day, unintentionally, which is good 'cause i didn't eat, but kinda shit 'cause it means i didn't move around or burn many calories. first night of r's shitshow weekend tonight, so got to save calories for the alcohol, but also need to eat close to the time so i don't get sick. 'cause that'll piss him off. plus i want to be drunk and have a good time but not be a mess. i dunno. we'll see.
super excited for it, cause he usually doesn't really drink, but also nervous and i feel like we're gonna get pissed at eachother, or i'm gonna get mad at him at least. bah.

still under 600cal for today, which is progress. off to the gym, if i burn 600cals might reward myself with going tanning. then meeting some friends across campus for dinner, i'll just have a salad. very excited.

love love.

progress.

1550 today, would've been 1000 or under, but had a few beers with the bf. bah. but, worked out and burned 600cals on the elliptical earlier (did i already say that?) andd then had kayak club practice for two hours. so i feel like it's whatever.

i mean i'm still a fucking ugly fat pig, but whatever, right? who cares?      i do...

progress.

making progress. had my oatmeal this morning, then went to a research study at the b-school (which makes me want to go into business.. and then made me wonder what i do want to study..) then went to the gym and ellipticalled 600cals. hell yes. felt good. now i've got aheadache though. damn period. andd came back and just had baby carrots and a small piece of beef jerky (low in fat and high in protein) then went to class, came back, had banana bread and peanut butter (such a weakness. but so good. and pb has protein) then an apple. i feel quite content.
gonna take some advil then off to the rink !

byee

meh

alright, so little under 1800 for today. which honestly, since i'm on my period and i worked 'til 5am, isn't too horrible. burned 560cals at the gym which was a plus. need to do that more often. like everyday. going to my first kayak practice tomorrow- very excited :)

tummy hurts like a bitch..going to bed. got stuff tuh do tomorrow :)

weakk.

alright, enough of this. no more almost daily binging. it's disgusting.
i work from ten 'til 4am. thinking i'll come back, take a 4 hour nap, then off to the gym for a morning work out. that should kickstart my  metabolism a bit. then gonna try to go to 10am chem lecture maybe? or else just come back, shower, then go to all my classes. then come back. get some work done. SHIT. then i have dinner with the family at palio's...time to start looking what i want. but they always want to get bread and appetizers and i KNOW mum will think it's sketch if i don't eat. okay. i'll have my oatmeal in the morning after my work out, then nothing 'til dinner. okay? okay.

great, no nutritional info on the website. only a menu. and it's italian, so it's all carbs and cheese. okay, there's a chicken thing that sounds like it might not be killer. or else there's salmon. okay.

other thing about the dinner that's stressing me out? what to wear. esp considering how disgustingly bloated i am right now, and how little i'm going to get to sleep. ugh. i'm so disgusting. maybe i can work out before and after class. that'd be good.

don't even want to think about all that i ate today.

went down to dinner and thougt to myself how i wasn't even really that hungry.

then i ate everything in sight. fried okra, bananas foster, bread pudding, broccoli, pasta, chicken, tofu, eggplant, bread.

blech. trying to purge. i hate my body. i hate it.

blech.

i feel horrible.
like, sick to my stomach, burning up, dizzy...i can't even think. i can't even motivate myself to read a page nevermind finish/start my calc. what the fuck is thiss.
earlier i know i was just nauseous with anxiety over the whole bf thing. but now? i don't even know.

makethisstop.

it goes on.

chinese new year food in the dining hall.
first off had some more sun chips and then some chocolate frosting. thenn spring rolls, rice, salmon(at least that's healthy), pork dumplings... oh, y'know, then some  pineapple and cracklin' oat bran. and ice cream. and oreo pieces and chocolate chips.

i disgust myself.

but food is my therapy. and baby i need rehab.

dumbest holiday ever.

seriously. it's stupid. you don't need a specific day to tell someone you love them. if you do..tell them anyway. unless, right when you're going to, they tell you what you did the night before. yeah, that you don't remember 'cause you drank so much. fucking fabulous.

so he wants to break up..

so what do i do? eat everything in sight, of course. let's see..
oatmeal, made with 2% milk (gross) 'cause that's what he always has
dining hall breakfast: eggs, bacon, half a bagel, hash browns, carrots, broccoli
sunchips
beef jerky
chocolate frosting
chocolate cupcake

blah. gross. got out of going to work soo haven't had any exercise yet today. maybe why i feel so shit. but i honestly don't even want to move. i feel sickk. so ashamed. want to cut.

won't.



okay. under 800 tomorrow. time to get serious.