binge.

fuck.

fiber cereal with almond milk for breakfast. couple of blueberries. good.

whole wheat bagel, light cream cheese. not good.

cucumber and hummus. acceptable.

brie on a cracker. unacceptable.

3 HOMEMADE TAGALONGS. NO.

tomato basil soup and garlic bread. no no no.

half an apple. does it really matter at this point?


fuckkkkk.

redo.

back at home again. roommates kicked me out. fuck them, they're both cunts. don't want to talk to them again, nevermind be friends. fuck that. and fuck pathetic idiots who are that ignorant and self-centered. and goddamn judgemental. and if you need your parents to fight your battles for you and are going to hide from me when i'm in the apartment..? then that's just sad. i'm literally laughing about it. how could i ever want to live with them? ha. cunts.

anyway. living at home. for now. moved my stuff from the apt to here, at least. though some of it's in the car still and the rest is in the garage, aside from my laptop and some essentials (face wash, etc.). looking at an apartment tomorrow..bit pricey, and i'll be living with a stranger, but i'll have my own room. yesss. i need my space.

got dinner with boyfriend's family tonight. it was nice. it was normal. i ate. not too much, but enough for them to not say anything and to not look ungrateful or anything. it was a pita with veggies and a bit of melted cheese. came with chips and two pickles...ate a pickle and maybe four chips, and not all the pita. it was yummy though. after...ended up going to stucchi's for ice cream with boyfriend though. and in a moment of weakness i got peanut butter with chocolate flakes or something. i forget the actual name for it. it was delish. and in a waffle cone. and HUGE. and i ate the entire fucking thing. and i don't care.

saw my roommate from last year. she said i looked thinnerrr:) though i was wearing this new pair of jeans i got the other week, which make my legs look way better than they actually are. ah well. the other two pairs are mysteriously too big though? which i don't understand..the skinny ones are a 2 and were snug a week ago, and the flares are a 0 and fit fine. the straight ones i was wearing tonight are a 0 and were tight then..now they're perfect. i don't get my body. i feel and look fat and bloated. i've been eating whatever i want and not really eating legitimate meals. oh well. i eat when i'm hungry. if i'm not, i don't. i like it that way.

too cute. i absolutely fucking love my boyfriend. he's stood up for me and helped me through this bullshit. i owe him my life goddamnit. he's perfect. and i love him. and if you think that sounds stupid and pathetic and naive then blow me. i love him and that's all that matters.

beautiful. stay strong, ladies. xo.

too much.

i'm hungry. i don't want to eat. boyfriend and roommates called 911 last night. paramedics took me to hospital. took shots and swallowed advil. got upset and violent when boyfriend tried to stop me.

blood alcohol was nearly 0.3.

i'm sick of wanting to die.

day, erm, negative one?

tomorrow can be day zero. wednesday is officially day one, i'll be in my apartment, and i will be in control.

for now, to avoid packing and to avoid shopping for things i need, this should take my mind off my mini-binge of a cookie and some fudge. blech. striked are things i've done. suure, ask away.

1. Had A Threesome
2. Been drunk.
3. Touched a real gun.
4. Done drugs
5. Wrote on a bathroom stall.
6. Took “naughty” pictures of myself.
7. Had sex
8. Got into a fist fight.
9. Used Twitter.
10. Listened to Lady Gaga.
11. Been in a car accident.
12. Gotten suspended.
13. Gotten expelled.
14. Got a computer virus.
15. Had a hand-written diary.
16. Been allergic to something.
17. Had a dog.
18. Had a cat.
19. Been pregnant
20. Had a pregnancy scare.
21. Had unprotected sex.
22. Camped out.
23. Swam in the ocean.
24. Wore a bikini.
25. Met someone online in person.
26. Made a survey.
27. Used ICQ.
28. Failed a class for the year.
29. Repeated a grade.
30. Went to summer school. 
31. Got straight As
32. Got As and Bs
33. Learned to speak another language fluently.
34. Read an entire book.
35. Recorded my own music.
36. Had an Xbox.
37. Listened to Rammstein.
38. Wore fishnets.
39. Bought skinny jeans.
40. Been in love.
41. Hated someone.
42. Been cheated on.
43. Cheated on someone.
44. Had a significant other.
45. Did something sexual with someone of the same sex. 
46. Practiced Christianity.
47. Worn makeup.
48. Had a cavity.
49. Had surgery.
50. Had my license.
51. Been to college.
52. Graduated high school.
53. Attempted suicide. 
54. Worn colored contacts.
55. Painted my nails black.
56. Broken someone’s heart.
57. Had my heart broken.
58. Cried for an hour straight.
59. Lost something very valuable.
60. Had sex in a car.
61. Got separated from my parents as a kid.
62. Broken a bone.
63. Gotten stung by a bee.
64. Eaten something bad/expired.
65. Threw up from being so drunk.
66. Had to put a pet to sleep.
67. Participated in a swinger’s party.
68. Owned an iPod.
69. Owned an iPhone.
70. Fell for a best friend.
71. Stole a friend’s significant other.
72. Had a serious disease.    ---does depression count?
73. Gone away from home for more than a week.
74. Moved out.
75. Ran away.
76. Teased my brother/sister.
77. Gotten into a verbal fight.
78. Been to the hospital.
79. Had food poisoning.
80. Had a job.
81. Been fired.
82. Lied to a friend.
83. Lied to a family member.
84. Lied to a significant other.
85. Posted a video on YouTube.
86. Started a rumour about someone.
87. Deliberately failed a test.
88. Dropped out of school.
89. Gotten my “private parts” pierced.
90. Been skinny dipping.
91. Counted to a million.
92. Counted to a thousand.
93. Ate deer meat.
94. Ate duck meat.
95. Had fast food.
96. Been to church.
97. Been to a synagogue.
98. Been married.
99. Had a divorce

so i guess i always put a picture at the end rather than the beginning of a post. hmm. not sure why. ah well. 


think thin, lovelies. i've already fucked up today, but tomorrow's a new day.

relapse.

I can't do this. NOT counting calories, eating like a "normal" person..it's driving me crazy and stressing me out and making me feel like a disgusting fat cow. NO MORE.

moving out in either two or three days (TOPS). aka, 2.5 days until total control of my intake. and within walking distance of the gym once again. HELL YESSSS.

let's fucking go.

too much slurpee.

i haven't been counting calories. i haven't been working out. i have been having suicidal thoughts. i did try to kill myself last week.

boyfriend's worried. i'm having a hard time pretending to be happy. i feel like i'm taking some of it out on him. but i love him so much. i don't know. things are crazy right now.

awkward picture, i know. me this morning. weighed in at 120. whatever happened to 118? i miss that number. grrr. move out in one week. cannot wait.

try try try.

last night. three beers. then bread&butter and a southbeachdiet fiber bar.

this morning. water, water, water. how the HELL did i used to be able to take shot after shot and down beer after beer? holy hell. anyway. then a banana and two strawberries. then an 80cal oatmeal cookie i made last night. figured fiber can't help. banana and strawberries seems to have already helped with the bloating. yay potassium.

shower then seeing the boyfriend. hanging out with him no longer means being able to avoid food. he knows too much.

x.

cloudy.

This horrible bloating and constipation and abdominal pain thing sucks, and even after bloodwork the doctor doesn't have much idea what it is. The good? A week ago I was 121ish. Past two days I've been 118. ..And I haven't worked out at all:) woohoo !

Problem is, now it's the weekend, so it's harder to avoid eating with my family. I spent the past two days baking or else not in the house. I love love love baking and cooking. Lately I'm not even really tempted to eat the results. Well, a taste, of course, but aside from that..no. It's as if the process is a meal and the result is just a little nibble for dessert. Idk. I'm only making healthy creations anyway. I think me spending more time in the kitchen gives the illusion I'm eating more than I actually am. Definitely another positive.

Today I'm off rock climbing again. Hoorayy ! I really do love it. I think I've developed sort of a mental block on all my favorite routes though, almost convincing myself that I can't go any higher than I've gone before because if I do then I'll fall. Or else, I can't go to the top because I'll be too high up. I don't know. Need to work on bouldering a bit more too though, and that's helping me trust my own strength a bit more, and learn that it's okay to fall.

I lost a follower, I guess. To be expected, I pretty much disappeared for nearly a month and really had nothing interesting to say. Ah well. Keep having extremely vivid and bizarre dreams. I don't know.

i bet she never stays up all night contemplating whether or not to down the bottle of advil.

think thin, stay strong, and avoid food.

xo.

sitting waiting wishing.

how much do celebrities weigh?

i'm intrigued as to how accurate that is. hmm. anyway. ate a bit less today, didn't keep track though. i need to get back into that habit, otherwise mindlessly eating is far too easy to slip back into.

act class teacher training started tonight. not too bad. only four (and a half) sessions more to go.

tomorrow plan is to get up and go for a run before it gets too hot. then off to the lake for a bit, then rock climbing with the boy :) hoooraayyy. should be able to avoid food for at least most of the day!

think thin, xo.

fear.

fear. I'm enveloped in it and I can't handle it. My cousin left today after two weeks of nonstop eating and severe lack of exercise. I feel horrible. The going-on two weeks of incurable constipation and extreme stomach pains are freaking me out. No weight loss. I feel disgustingly fat. Three weeks 'til move-in, making it four weeks 'til classes start. I've signed up to rush, so I need to be thin for that. I need to get this stomach bullshit worked out, and soon. Then I need to work out. Everyday. I have to.

things have changed..

cousin's here so haven't had enough alone time to post.

will do monday.

xo.

changes.

Starting a basically vegan diet. I barely eat meat anyway, I much prefer fish. (yes, I know vegans don't eat fish. let me finish) Pretty sure I'm lactose intolerant, so I'm eliminating dairy from my diet. Eggs..I can take them or leave them. SO - the dairy-avoidance seems like the perfect opportunity to begin this new diet without suspicion from my mother.

New favorites: cinnamon tea. mmmm. lemon water. more refreshing. "sassy water" (google it).

Work on eliminating binge foods/unhealthy/unnecessary food.

Work on thinspo scrapbook.

:)

binged.

and now I feel sick. Nearly strangled one of the kids I was babysitting today. [no, not really.] I need a real job.

FUCK trail mix and fuck chocolate covered raisins. Why does my mother insist on buying them, and why do I keep eating them?

Feel like crying. Must go to gym. Must avoid dinner. Feel so sick.

First football game is in six weeks. I must be 116 or less.

SO,

I'm baffled. I've let myself go, I let myself eat what I crave, when I crave it. It's nuts. I hate it. I made these [absolutely delicious] peanut butter chocolate oatmeal bars the other day and I'm...eating them. It's...mind boggling. Still keeping my food diary but still...why oh why..? I suppose the pb has protein and oatmeal is fibrous..but still. GAH !

In other news, I finally worked out again today. Felt so so so good to be covered in sweat. Love that feeling.

I've broken my plan of weighing myself only every five days (05, 10, 15, etc). It's messing with my mind. Yesterday I was 124, this morning 123, now 120? All from the same scale, in the same place. I'm so so confused. I feel bloated and gross and I definitely don't feel or look any thinner at alll than when I was weighing in at 124/125+. Ugh. Frustrated. Also, got dragged to panera with my brother. Of course, had my usual 280cal Strawberry Poppyseed Chicken Salad. Considered just picking the fruit off the top (fruit only takes about half an hour to digest !) and leaving the chicken, but I nibbled the bread, ate all the nuts, and some of the chicken. Plus a bit of lettuce. I dunno. I feel super-duper full right now and a little bloated, but..ah well. I think I'm somewhat allergic to something in my diet at the moment, and I really need to figure out what it is that makes me so bloated and constipated and miserable. Eating plenty of yogurt in the meantime, low-cal fat-free yogurt, mind you, to keep those digestive juices churning. Or whatever they do in there.

Tomorrow I'm babysitting, then hitting a few places downtown to inquire about jobs. Kaplan audition is next Wednesday, so I need to prepare for that a little. Otherwise..I dunno. Maybe see that one boy. Maybe. (Hopefully). Right now I'm off to see a couple of friends (enough with the moping and staying in bed and refusing to leave the house and biting the head off anyone who talks to me) then hopefully get some sleep tonight for once. We shall see.

THEN- return to staying well below 1000cal, preferably below 800cal, and exercising too. This starts tomorrow. This weight has got to go ! It's already nearly August ! Bit over a month before I'm moving out!! Which is super exciting, as then I'll have no one watching or commenting on how much or what I eat and no one forcing me to eat meals with them. Hooray ! And back to walking absolutely everywhere. I cannot cannot cannot wait. I just hope I've found a job before then.

That was excessively long and rather rambley, and now I have a bit of a headache so I'm going to go meet my friends and drink more water.

I know I'm back in my habit of not commenting, but I will later. Forreal. (ha.) OH, and on the subject of comments, all your helpful ones last week combined with the shit night I had on saturday has made me realize I shouldn't drink. It just fucks everything over, since my tolerance is still so high..too many cals. Bah.

motivation is what gets you started. habit is what keeps you going.

stay strong, lovelies. xx

meandering.

1165cal today. not good, not good.

didn't work out. seem to have lost motivation in all areas. also not good.

c'monnnn i was doing so well:(

xo.

wanting isn't enough.

Drank...alot last night. Way too much. I still feel so so shitty. And of course I'm bloated and water weight-y and just generally feel like shit. Haven't left the house today. Blah.

Thinspo of the day:
"fat girls just wanna have fun"

it just doesn't end. those thighs. oh my. and the arms.. it just doesn't stop. jiggle jiggle.

not posting today's intake, as I've been bingeing like mad. I ate BREAD. quiche. chips. three things i never ever eat. And I did. Plenty of each. Now I feel shitty, and have to eat dinner in like half an hour..not hungry whatsoever. Also I'm incredibly dehydrated. And constantly thirsty, well, more than my usual excessive thirst. Yet I don't want to drink since I feel fit to burst. Fuck this shit.

Fucked things up with the boy once again. Had an absolutely lovely day rockclimbing then went and ruined it by insisting he leave me alone and refusing a cab to instead walk the two miles across town to my house. At 2am. Fabulous idea, I know. Whatever.

Didn't work out today. Maybe that's part of why I feel so shitty. Fuck this.

sorryy..

I've been terrible at posting lately. Been keeping a food diary vigilantly though, just not posting it on here. Besides that, I feel like I have nothing to say really. Might be getting back together with my loverly ex. Fingers crossed, and I'm doing all I can to make it work.

I'll try to comment tomorrow and maybe find something more interesting to post.

think thin and stay strong. xo.

?

drank last night. three beers, 450 empty calories.
added to the 586 of food.. 1036cal. woohoo. burned 300 at the gym, maybe another 100 biking there and back. still.

then...weighed in at 121lbs today. wtf?

sorry for being completely MIA.
didn't have internet on the cape.

got to unpack then hit the gym. vacation made me fatter. xo.

running in place.

So much to do and not enough time to do it in. I'm leaving for the East Coast in 17 hours and I haven't even thought about packing yet..and my father's a complete psycho about packing etc. Fuck fuck fuck. Also, when I woke up this morning my right eye was swollen shut and covered in crusty crap. Now it still hurts and is super red and swollen. Going to the doctor in an hour. Hope they don't insist on weighing me, I'm not in the mood to find out.
So, leaving means that I'll be even more behind on all your blogs than I already am. I'm hoping to read a bunch tonight before bed, so hopefully I can catch up then..but the next ten days I have no idea how much/how little privacy I'll have. I'm freaking out already about the fact that I'll have to eat absolutely every meal with my parents and there isn't going to be a way to skip meals without them knowing. Freaking out hardcore. Alsoo this weekend we're going to be eating on the road alot. And we're staying with some friends tomorrow night so I'll have to eat whatever they make..at least once we get to the Cape we'll be in a house so I can have complete control over at least breakfast and most lunches. Oh man.
Food today's been within reason. Still sick so still not going for a run. Intake's been really good though. I need to get back into the habit of drinking green tea for breakfast!

intake;

light&fit yogurt -80

1/4cup cornflakes -25

10 blueberries -8

apple -72

slice of peach -6

3multigrainchips w. hummus -46

3 cherries -12

turkey tenderloin -56

lettuce/cucumber/tomato -12

2 driedapricots & 6 craisins -28

3 bites fiberone toasterpastry -25

subtotal; 370cal

Anddd, I'm not even hungry. :) The last six items were all my snack-ish sort of thing after getting home from babysitting. Yeah, need to stop doing that all-over-the-place nibbling thing. Ah well, I still am amazed I'm below 400cal still. Getting dinner with a friend, I'll pull for Panera so I can get my beloved Chicken Strawberry Poppyseed Salad. YUMMM. 280cal for the whole thing. 230 without pecans. Hmm.. ORRR for 250cal I could do half the salad and half the garden veg soup. AHHH the possibilities..and I love that they now have the calorie amounts on the menu!

Got to go and sort out some clothes..ergh. stay strong, I'll read/comment later. xo.