i have no self control.

i'm so fucking disgusted with myself.
nachos and sweet-and-sour chicken.
then, tiiniest piece of cake. with a little bit of ice cream. not to bad, right?
til i add on the toast with peanut butter and honey. i am disgusting.

i fucking deserve to be fat. the scale saying 122.5 this morning was a joke.


**edit
look to the future. replace "if only i hadn't.." with "next time.."

lazyday.

it's rainy and miserable. didn't get out of bed 'til 11 or so. watched some jamie oliver. love him.
had a aussie(?) down under yogurt...creamy and low fat and delish with pink grapefruit in it. 140cal. so not great. but fuck it.
went to the gym before class, did some weights and abs, and 200cal on elliptical. got there late so couldnt do much more.
tummy's bloated so i'm pissed. going to a party at the ex's frat tonight so i need to look damn fucking good.
on the bright side, scale at the gym said 122.5. i'm craving those teens.
just went to the caf cause iw as starving..ended up binging a little. guessing 160cal fromcookies, 80cal potato pancake, 40cal coleslaw/carrots.

call it 450 so far, cause i usually tend to underestimate. blah. planning on drinking a fair amount tonight, so best stay away from food.

off to the shops with mum, need new black pants for work.

think thin x

binge binge binge

winge winge winge.

worked out. 400cal plus some abs. pitiful, really.

ate noodles&co for lunch. it was delicious, at least. lots of chicken = protein. then two beef tacos for dinner. and softserve cause i was so anxious about my exam. and just now, a bagel and cream cheese. and a pretzel rod. blah. make me stop. not going to add all those up.

weighed myself at the gym. 123. should've lost more than that.

fuck.

massive disgusting cookie binge. can i really  not even go a measly 5 hours awake without stuffing my face? no more food for me today.

edit:: of course, then i went to no thai with my roommate. then got ice cream. wow. i'm pathetic.

rainy day.

off to the gym. aka off to also weigh myself for the first time in a week and a half. i'm terrified. hah.
took some pictures this morning. figure no one really reads this anyone so no reason not to post. don't judge my dorky undies, they're comfy to sleep in :)

blech.

gross.

i can do better.

baha.

don't care that they're all photoshopped, this certainly killed my appetite.

http://www.freakingnews.com/Fat-People-Pictures--328-0.asp

saturday.

last night had couple shots and some beer. didn't eat between lunch and around 3.30 when we got jimmy johns. had a turkey tom. ate maybe a third of it. so around 150cal. not too bad.
slept most of today since i went to bed around 7:30 (roommate was very confused when i returned. hah.) but had to get lunch with a friend from high school. she was picking me up so i said it was up to her where we went, and she said she wanted to go somewhere healthy so we end up at panera. panera is not healthy. i shouldve just had my asian sesame chicken salad. or else that and black bean soup. but i didn't. i had half the salad and half the frontega chicken panini. which was yummy. but still. not worth the calories. i feel sick. calculated it online..i didn't eat the wontons in the salad or lots of the bread on the sandwich. the salad was 130. not bad at all. the panini? a whopping 430. it was not tasty enough for that. but i left alot of the bread so im thinking 330. plus 130 is 460. thenn earlier had two jaffa cakes (my last two :( ) which would be another 80cal. plus some clusters w. peanut butter. 100cal. so 640cal for today. and it's not even six thirty. ick. bad news bears. no more food. just alcohol for me. should go work out too. i feel so fatty.

friday.

11am: 2 gummy vitamins - 15cal.

fuck food.

had to get lunch with zach. guacamole & rice & 1 small beef taco. it was delicious therefore worth it. then a grande ice coffee from starbucks.

so guessing..500cal? too lazy to look it up now and i have to run off to work.

work = five hours on my feet. am i going to eat? pshh. no way :)

thursday night.

they talked me out of it. don't want to talk about the rest.
started smoking. meh.
didn't drink tonight. probably good.
miss him lots.

didnt eat too much. mum took me to panera. nearly 800cals. guessing lunch was around 250. plus 100cal chips just now. so what, 1150? could've been worse. didn't know my latte and pastry would be so much. i know right? pastry. but it made my mother happy. and she deserves to be happy.

i just wish i could be happy.

thursday.

i'm leaving. don't know exactly where i'm going. may just show up at the greyhound station tomorrow morning and hop on a bus to nowhere. i just need to get out of here. doubt i'm taking my laptop so don't know when i'll next post.
bye.

tuesday.

today i lacked the motivation to go work out. i haven't been to the gym since thursday- haven't had a proper workout since wednesday. must go tomorrow.

been barely eating. thinking about food makes me nauseous. it's not even that i don't want to eat. i just can't. probably first time i've ever had to force myself to eat.

this is so hard.

over.

he said it. it's over. he doesn't want to be with me.

this sucks.

i haven't slept since friday night. six hours friday  night. two saturday night. maybe five last night. i feel sick. all the time. i haven't been eating because i haven't been hungry. my roommate made me get ice cream with her last night. that helped. she got me cookies and a sandwich earlier. i ate them. went down to the dining hall with friends just now. had tiny bit of cereal and pineapple with rice milk. bit of chocolate cake. wasn't very good. i feel disgustingly full. i feel so sick. i don't know what to do, how to cope.

no.

no. he can't do this.

i can't do this.


i don't care anymore. about anything. i can't do this.

4.46

my intake's been out of control. didn't work out yesterday. wasn't going to eat today, what with the breakup and whatnot, but hangover made me resort to food. two slices of cold pizza and a brownie. blah.

tired. feel shitty. don't care anymore.

11.

half fage yogurt -50cal
banana -100cal
blueberries -15cal
graham cracker -75cal
vitamins -10cal

total: 250cal.

busy day.

breakfast: oatmeal w. skim milk. 200cal. yum
                blueberries. 5cal
                jaffa cake. 46cal.

total: 250cal.

onward.

let's pretend this weekend didn't happen. although, hard to considering the MASSIVE BRUISES on my knees. fuck. ah well.

b: -.5 fage greek yogurt (100cal) <--i bought the full fat one accidentally? wtff. gross. ate way less than half, but to be sure.
    -5 blueberries (10cal? found different info)

total so far: 110cal.

in other news..back on prozac. really low dose though. hoping it won't make me gain again. ah well. off to class, shit-ton of orgo studying and calc to do. fuckk.

12:15
l: three small pieces of celery -6cal
   three slices of carrot -10cal
   3.5 kashi triscuit-type things -60cal
   1 string cheese -50cal
lunch: 126cal.
total: 236cal.

3:45
l2: 3.5 kashi triscuit -60cal
     luna bar -180cal (found it in my bag and i was starving..)
l2: 240cal

total: 476cal

going swimming.


okay, didn't swim as much as i should've, but it felt good. then elliptical for ten min - 125cal. not much but whatever. same amount as lunch. thennn dinner hit.

had some baby spinach leaves, bit of tuna, two baby carrots. then a bit of refried beans and cheese and salsa. no rice even. guessing all that was 250cal or so. then had the cheesecake. 400cal. orzo and cheesy cauliflower. 200cal. some of that gross coconut cream pie. 100cal. making..950cal. in one meal.

that is absolutely disgusting. puts me at a net intake of 1426. fuck me. tried to purge but only got coconut cream shit up. god i hate myself. tomorrow's one year since my suicide attempt. fabulous.

plan.

tomorrow i have work. giving me some sort of structure. let's plan this shit out.

wake up. 9ish? before ten. eat..some sort of fruit. maybe yogurt, if i'm hungry [but you shouldn't be, you fat pig..] then go straight to the gym and burn at least 600cals. come back here, shower etc, then see bf or m, depending, come back and study, nibble something before work. hopefully  move my shit back to my dorm. actually, i can do some of that in the morning. there we go. thenn work til ten. no food at work. then drinks at bf's frat. beer has enough cals that i don't need food.

yes.

blizzard.

a small reese's blizzard from dairy queen is 530cals. did you know that? i didn't. utnil i ate the whole thing. then looked it up later.

today started off so well. good workout, not much food, saw the bf...though he was acting weird, walked my dog with him,then ate a super small bowl of granola/cheerios with some blueberries, then just chilled for a bit. then, mum gets home and announces that dairy queen opened today. so of course bf wants to go. and i can't say no because he doesn't think i'm eating and mum's suspicious. so i go. and it was delish. told myself i didn't have to finish it..but i did.

dinner was a spinach/black bean/mushroom/bell pepper enchilada thing that mum makes every so often. i know the white flour tortilla isn't all that good for you so i left probably a third of it. but ate some of it for carbs. unneccessary but it was good. had a tiny bit of reduced fat sour cream and some salsa and cucumber with it. yum. and a mug of green tea.

then, decided i wanted to bake cookies. so i did. and nibbled on chocolate chips the whole time, of course, then ate one of the cookies, which turned out MASSIVE. even the second batch which i tried to make smaller, still turned out huge.

i feel like my legs and stomach have turned to pure fat. sticky and jiggly and horrible. because of that blizzard. i don't want to even look at the fat content of that thing. honestly thinking about it makes me feel sick. guess i'll just chug water for a bit then go to bed. then wake up and aim for 600+ at the gym tomorrow.

i was feeling good about myself before that FUCKING blizzard. so disgusting. i hate myself for it now. loathe myself, every essence of my weak-minded, fat-bodied self. OH, and i watched celebrity fit club earlier. one girl on it weighs LESS than me. what the FUCK.

04.

woke up later than i intended, but had a couple of pomegranate seeds and some water as breakfast. meant to eat a small apple but forgot to grab it as i ran out the door.
had that apple when i got back from 60min of cardio at the gym. soo..
55cal apple
50cal seeds
35cal bite of cookie

total:: 140 in, 650 out :)

does anyone else have one of those nike+ things? where it goes in your shoe and hooks up to your ipod..? because i use that even when i run on the treadmill, but it always seems to say i'm working harder than the treadmill says (if that makes sense.) anyone..?