i think maybe i set myself up to fail. i cannot stop eating. blech.

oh baby.

i'm back. that's right, bitch.

date party on friday. i really want to be 128 for it. coffeemaker in the room makes it easier to just have coffee in the morning. well, and fruit. /fiber one bar. either way, it's 2pm and i've had 525 calories. i'm impressed.

(except, that's over how much the girls whose blogs i read will eat in a day..)

but still. i'm doing this my way. if i only have 1474cal/day i'll lose a pound a week. without exercise. but i plan on working out five or six days a week. sooo, HA ! i wanna try to aim for around 1400/1500 at most, i'm not about to set a specific amount. i have a shitton of studying to do this week to prepare for a chem exam next tuesday that i absolutely have to do really well on. plus i have my chem lab final on friday (i think). so basically, i won't be ogoing out that much this weekend. except date party. and as for drinking..if i don't drink 'til friday i'll let myself have whatever. but probably try to just stick to shots, rather than beer after beer. we'll see. hell, i'll figure it out and it'll be all good. so no worries.

i'm gonna go read this book for philosophyy so i can write my paper after chem lecture (: /after i work out. hmm. we'll see. i think i'm getting 5.30 dinner with cass etc soo we'll see ! i can always work out after. like seven-ish. 'cause then i can be back like 8.30-9ish, hit the library, and hopefully get enough done that i can go to be at like...11.30! 'cause i need to sleep more. and as much as i LOVE sleeping at rob's.. i'm just not as well rested in the morning. although lastnight everytime i woke up he was still holding me and being super cuddly (: (: MY FAVORITE. (: hehe. anywho. that way i can just shower tomorrow morning before french and then i'll be so ready for the day ahead (:

peace.love.happiness.

WWHAATTTT.

129. WHAT. after breakfast. two days after thanksgiving.

hooolyyy shitttt. waht the fuck.

so happy right now.

onetwothree.

contemplating ABC. hmm.

birthday/xmas will be in the way though.

speedbumps

so, haven't done so well past couple days. ate far too much monday, and even more yesterday. blecch. but thing is, i'm pretty sure it's just because i've been thirsty and i interpret that as hunger. plus i'm losing self-control. plus i haven't been working out as regularly..plus the gym's shut tomorrow. fuck. oh well, i'll be home so i can walk the dog lots. don't really like running outside, but i guess i can. then friday and saturday definitely gonna hit up the ccrb.

blah. being home should make eating less easier.

must go pack.

scales don't lie.

so. decided i need to buy scales. because i haven't weighed myself in like a week so i don't really know if what i'm doing is working or not. so that's on my to-do list over thanksgiving break. with the exception of the disgusting amount of food i shoveled into my face today, i'm pretty sure i've lost a bit. i can see my collarbone more now. and my hip bones. ohh how i've missed them. i think my legs are getting thinner too. (: other good thing is the running i've been doing is making my legs stronger. and more toned, hopefully. didn't work out today or yesterday so i feel pretty crap about that. but ah well. can't do everything, i guess. today was such a failure kinda day. but that's okay. as long as they don't happen often, i'm good. i wanted to purge so badly earlier but i couldn't i legit just couldn't get myself to do that. any tips? =/

also, i had to get ice cream at dinner, since it's finally not disgusting blue and yellow anymore. and i went down to eat by myself so i ate so fucking much since there was no one there to see. then again, i did the same at lunch. so whatever. i dunno.

i'm at the library pretending i'm actually getting work done. i can't concentrate for the life of me though. and i feel so so sick. plus there are these dumb sorority girls a table over from me and i legitimately want to punch one of them in the face, right now. as well as the girl over in the corner whose hair is legit white. what?! white. yeah. it looks gross too, esp as a contrast with her orange fake tan. god i'm a bitch when i'm tired, but i don't care. i'm absolutely exhausted and i don't know why. i woke up so much last night. blahh.

gonna go continue being disgusted with myself in peace. considering going to buy diet pills tomorrow. either those or laxatives. i'm a bit scared though to be honest. any advice? i hate myself so much for all the food that's inside me right now. but i can't do that again because i'm going home in two days. fuck !

biggest thing.

alcohol.

okay, so i shouldn't drink as much as i have done. and yeah, i used to drink wednesday thursday friday and saturday nights. then i cut out wednesdays. and recently made it only two days of heavy drinking a week. of course..saturday football games meant pregaming the fuck out of it only to get shitfaced again that night.

no more. today before the game i had a beer. not even a full cup. just one. that's it. thursday night i had a glass of wine. that's it. tonight, yeah, i'm probably gonna go out. and yeah, i might drink a little. but thing is..i don't need to. plus, alcohol makes weight loss much more difficult because it's converted into acetate. not good. i haven't weighed myself, obviously, and i kind of really don't want to. still keeping track of how much i eat as well as how much i work out, but not as explicitly. like, i'll be more general with foods and just estimate caloric value sometimes. and the only calories burned that i count are whatever the treadmill tells me.

so, i didn't pre-game. i did, i went to all the parties, i just didn't drink, save for that one beer. i did, however, go to wendy's afterwards. blech. crispy chicken sandwich, small fries, and small chocolate frosty. i didn't finish any of them though. only had half of the frosty, left a third of the fries, didn't eat all the chicken and only ate like half the bun. so that's okay, right? i'm just worried about tonight now.

naptime, then i'll go work out. then i'll worry about tonight. good thing is..if i go see the boyfriendd tonight then i can get an extra workout in ;)

new approach.

alright. so i ate a reasonable amount today, then went to water polo and absolutely died. so so so sore. oh wow. thenn came back and ate more kashi and a chicken caesar salad and some spaghetti. yummy, but full of sodium. need to drink more water.

think i'm going to the delt hockey game tonightt. but not sleeping over. and tomorrow..tomorrow starts the legit diet stuff. like figuring out healthy snacks, portion sizes, etc with lydia. yeah. (:

the end.

no. i'm not doing this.

http://www.2medusa.com/2008/07/to-girl-who-said-she-wants-to-be.html

mind over matter.

alright. new approach. no starving. simply...self-control. patience. restriction. this is going to be my path to success.

realized a small speedbump that may stand in the way of my planned seven-pound weight loss-- thanksgiving. turkey, potatoes, sprouts, gravy, stuffing, parsnips, carrots, pumpkin pie...fuck. so many calories. so much fat. so much temptation. that, and being home for probably..four days. fuuuuck. kind of freaking out a little bit about that. but, i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

tried the diet coke trick this morning. sort of works, i suppose. working my up to that liquid diet. water fast. whatever you wanna call it. today i'm thinking some veggies around lunchtime, then some soup at dinner. then i have water polo, so a nice workout i can't get out of (: yay.

really don't like the fact that all i've done for the past twelve hours is sit on my bed/sleep a little. but i need to get this paper done. soo, i should stop procrastinating, considering i have an hour and a half before i need to go to class, and i need to have this paper done before then. bye !

if this was easy, everyone would be skinny.

oh wait, they are. skinnier than me at least.

whatever.

still haven't written this three page paper. fuck my life. y'know, nothing new.

told boy about this weekend. "babe, you're not messed up. i just want you to feel good about yourself for once. you deserve it. you deserve alot more than you give yourself credit for. goodnight babe."

normally texts like that and him telling me i'm beautiful, i'm gorgeous, they'd cheer me up. but not this time. not anymore. and i don't quite know how to handle that. tomorrow's a new day. got to keep going with this. going to eat dorm food. well, sort of. going to eat carrots and celery. and cucumber, i love me some cucumber. if only they had more fruit.. lots of water and tea, too. water polo tomorrow night, so i can nap tomorrow afternoon (instead of working out) considering i'll be up all night trying and failing to write this goddamn paper.

might go for a quick shower to clear my head a bit. can't really focus anyway. i can't do this alone, but no one will do this with me. don't know what to do.

132. goal for my birthday (dec 16) is 125. seven pounds, one month. let's go.

wrong wrong wrong.

starve work out starve work out starve. right? that's how it's supposed to go?

starve, feel good about yourself, work out, eat a little, feel good, BINGE. wrong.

not eating. another thing i fail at.

NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels.

this was me. last summer. hard to believe when you see me now. no wonder i feel so shitty everytime i look in the mirror, when i used to be able to wake up to this every morning.

so far i've had a starbucks frappuccino and an oatmeal raisin luna bar. there's my fat for the day. if i need more caffeine, it can be black coffee. or diet coke. that's it. no cookies or brownies, fuck it, no more sugar or fatty foods for me today. let's goooo.

disgusted.

i ate. i caved and i ate jimmy johns. then at the dumb "wine and cheese" party shindig, i ate cheese and crackers and...CAKE. ugh. blech. i tried to purge but couldn't. i'm so weak. i can't go out tonight. this is what i'll look like if i dance:

so much for not eating 'til my boy comes back..god i hate myself.

peace, love, skinny.

skinny girls, they're happy. i want to be happy. i want to be skinny. i will be skinny. i'll get attention, i'll be liked, i'll be happy, i'll be hot. not just attractive. not just cute, nice, funny...i'll be wanted. if i can do this.. i can prove to myself and to everyone else that i truly am strong enough to change. i ate today. i ate panchero's at like 4am. blech. and then i ate a brunch-y sort of meal. but it's okay, that just means i've already had my calories for the day. i'm doing this, you're not going to stop me. if i'm not going to drink, i'm not going to eat. alright? alright. i don't need food. i do need to be skinny. plan for a five day fast fell through. maybe start that tomorrow. we'll see. gotta not mention it though since -- flipped a shit last night. i mean, saying that was stupid anyway. they don't understand. they say i look fine but they mean i look fat. i'm done being fat, being the fat ugly friend, the friend that's ignored. the unpopular one. that's not going to be me anymore. i'm done.

here we go.

support is appreciated. and as always..don't judge me.

skinny = perfection

this is what i want. this is what i can be. this will take time, and self control. most of all this will take hard work. but this is what i can be. and what i am going to be. thinspiration.