well...hello again

hi hi blogger world.

i guess it's been a while.. i made a tumblr and got sucked into using that instead. plus i got sick of typing and talking and thinking so i preferred mindlessly looking at and reblogging thinspo.
http://skinnybonesplease.tumblr.com, if you're interested.

anyway. i'm okay. i mean i've definitely been better but there we go.
so how's tricks? did i miss anything big around here?

hello apathy.

i went through a onerepublic stage once, it's okay.

but really. i'm done caring. i don't care about anything. i don't feel anything but anger and resentment and frustration and this other terribly depressing and painful and heavy and impossible emotion that i just can't put a name on it and all this drives me to do nothing but hate myself and for some FUCKING reason stuff my fat face with food. which is disgusting. i hate everything. i hate myself. all i do is pick stupid fights with my boyfriend to hurt him because I'M hurting and it sucks goddamnit, it really does, and i don't know what to effing do about it.

the end.

tomorrow's november. so far i've found this:
http://extraskinny.tumblr.com/post/1394017358/extra-skinny-diett

anyone else know of any good month-long diets? my birthday's in december. i'm determined to be 110 by dec 1.

twenty six.

i may have mono. so i have no appetite.

the meds i'm on kill any appetite i may have, anyway. so that's a plus.

seem to keep accidentally making plans with people involving meals. ah well, at least it means i still have somewhat of a social life. and one small meal a day won't kill me.

just made a tumblr: here

exam tomorrow, promise i'll be back more after that.
love you all, thanks for the comments and support - it means so so much to me. xo.

twenty four.

ended up in hospital again friday night. got discharged later that night. boyfriend drove me to my parents house, i refused to get out of the car. so after mother screamed at me for saying i didn't give a fuck, he took me to his. i didn't like this, i wanted to go to my apartment. the doctor told me not to let me be alone. boyfriend took my keys. i hit him. he said i hit like a girl. i called a cab. he wouldnt give me my keys. i hit him again. and again. he laughed and told me it was my parents apartment, not mine, that i dont pay for anything. i hit him again. he threw them at me and said he didn't care. i left.

cabbie drove me to my apartment. my parents were waiting in the parking lot. cabbie dropped me off at starbucks. cried and called boyfriend, he picked me up. spent the night with him.

considering dropping out for the semester. i just can't deal with this, any of this, and i fucking hate it.

i'm still fat. still don't have a scale but i guarantee i haven't lost shit. haven't been working out 'cause i'm too lazy and just goddamn miserable and unmotivated. even showering is a daunting thought right now.

i need to lose twenty pounds. that's what i've decided. twenty. ten in a month from now. ten pounds, thirty days. no big deal. my sorry ass should be able to do that.

fuck everything.

nineteen.

this month isn't exactly going to plan.

but it's been better than last month.

finally on anti-depressant/anxiety medication. one of the side effects is loss of appetite. hooray. need to get my butt to the gym more often, but otherwise things are looking up.

post tomorrow i hope.

love you all.

twelve.

still alive.

still fat.

still bloated and constipated and hating myself as much as ever.

liquid fasting until my fat ass caves.

sorry for being gone. can't do this right now.

eleven.

saturday? alcohol and food. sunday? food. today? FOOD.

fuck me. i'm so weak. going to work out and not leaving the gym 'til i've been there 1.5hours. my lazy ass hasn't been in a couple weeks so that's a big fucking deal for me okay?

fuck you skinnies. i'm going to be forever fat. until i kill myself, that is.

seven (yesterday.)

well, yesterday started off alright.

then took a turn for the worst. i stopped counting and just...ate. then did the same at work. i feel bad enough about it as it is so i'm not going to reflect and count and punish myself.

instead, i'm liquid fasting today. woohooo.

post later with how today goes. stay strong, lovelies. xo

six.

1145 calories.

755cal from binging on chocolate and jalapeno cheddar chex mix.

fuck this. fuck fuck fuck this. i'm such a failure.

five.

too ashamed to post.

sorry.

four.

I always wanted to be thin - toned and thin. still strong. I've always been strong. (physically, nothing else). I swam and played water polo, both varsity, for four years. I was strong. I had big shoulders and though big defined toned muscles were gorgeous. I always loved being strong.

I'm not strong. I don't swim, I don't play water polo, hell, I barely even workout anymore, and I never do any weight training. strictly cardio. I don't care. I watched over the past 18months as my shoulders shrunk, the defined muscle in my back faded. faded under fat. I wanted that back, more than anything.

and now? I don't want that back. I don't want it at all. I don't want to be heavier simply because I'm so much muscle. I want to be thin, but skinny. skin and bone. frail. when did that happen? I'm broken and shattered and vulnerable and need taking care of. boyfriend doesn't mind taking care of me 'cause for some reason I can't fathom he thinks I'm perfect. and he loves me. but fat girls don't need taking care of. fat and ugly don't go well together with sad and broken. I'm sad and broken and small inside. I need to be small on the outside too. maybe by that point I won't need to taken care of and so sad and broke. maybe then I'll be happy. I don't want to be the one who can carry heavy things. I want to be the one who's lifted up because I'm so small and light. light, as a feather. I want another tattoo - a feather. then again, I seem to have forgotten the purpose behind my first one. the bird, in flight. flying. weightless. hollow bones. I want hollow bones. as humans, we can't have hollow bones. but I can come close. I can hollow out everything else, so I myself am hollow, bones exposed.

and that is what I want.


day four;
time: 4:20pm
intake:
-slim fast shake mix -100
-cup almond milk -60cal
-stomach ease tea -0cal
-lots o' water -0cal
-powerade zero -0cal
-luna bar -170cal (fml, but I was about to throw up from taking all the pills on an empty stomach and it was closest to me. at least it has some fiber in it, i haven't taken a shit in days.)
pills:
-vyvanse
-one-a-day
-dayquil liquigels

burned:
-nada. haven't left my aparment. only left my room for water/tea/bathroom. /to put the dishwasher on, so as to feel productive and make my roommate happy.

i want to be tiny. I will be tiny.

if I post more than one picture I'll just keep posting. and never stop. this has already taken me half an hour, and I took vyvanse to help me study for these two exams, not thinspo the day away. though I'd much rather do the latter. sorority 'family' dinner tonight. it's dollar burger day at the place we're going. already told my 'sis-mom' i'm not feeling so hot. can probably get away with just soup or a smoothie. tomorrow i have no foody obligations, as far as I'm aware. let's keep it that way.

strong strong, lovelies. there are so many reasons to be thin.
also, this girl is awesome. go follow. :)

three.

i ate. i ate food. i ate a meal. i ate two, then i ate three.

three meals.

i feel disgusting.

i resemble a beached whale. and i know that issn't something i can just sleep off. so neither is this horribly guilty disgusting feeling. god i hate myself. i'm a failure.

two. (yesterday).

fail.

friday i managed to eat barely anything at za's..the girl i was with had already eaten dinner at the house- though she said this too late for me to say 'oh me too!' and get away with just a smoothie (delish, by the way). the night ended with me consuming a bottle of wine with my roommate from last year (well, a bottle each), and ending up at the boyfriend's. where i drank only water, but gave in to green beans and mashed potatoes (leftovers). at least they were veg..except the potatoes..fuck me.

yesterday morning i got dragged to ihop with boyfriend and fifteen of his fraternity brothers. coffee, water. didn't need anything else. that wasn't an option. got one of their 'healthy' omelettes, with spinach mushrooms tomatos and onion. it was good, and reasonably healthy, and all i ate yesterday. i'm just pissed that i keep eating. i don't need to. i haven't been hungry. it's so unnecessary.

yesterday afternoon i baked the cookie dough i'd mixed up friday and biked (uphill, mind you) over to the boyfriend's to give them to him. i didn't keep a single one for myself, or eat any of them or the dough. so proud of myself. sipped water as they watched the game,and went over some of my anthro terms (exam on tues) then headed home again to shower before the hockey game. so we all got hockey tickets. dropped a couple hundo on my season tickets, point being that i was in a seating group with bf and a bunch of the guys who went last year. they love it. as do i. anyway. the ticket office apparently doesn't think we have a seating group. (bullshit). so we're spread out over 5 different sections. fortunately boyfriend knows one of the ushers so just walked into our section from last year. the rest of us just migrated. 'twas pretty easy but also annoying and unnecessary. anyway. i literally stayed for half an hour, then ran home. ran. woohoo. threw my jeans and hockey stuff on, threw my little black dress and heels on, then grabbed a cab over to the house. everyone looked sooo good. then the guys came to pick us up, it was nice. at the house it was way classy, the guys were in shirts and ties, and they made us mimosas:) after that wiiine, then, y'know, brewskies. didn't drink a whole lot. mixer got old, so headed out with a couple of sisters to a house party, being told it was hush-hush and not to tell anyone at all. so that was cool. it was a long walk but i really got to know one of the girls. she's super cool- we're like the same person. and she is hot, like damn girl. anywho. yes, we got drunk food. i got chicken nachos. didn't even eat half, so i'm not that mad. i was hungry as fuck and didn't want to be hungover for family time this morning.

SO. in conclusion. days of liquid fasting = 0. today i won't be able to - i'll be forced to eat at brunch..we're going to a really good restaurant i love though so..idk. at least it won't be shit. but still. i'm frustrated.

gah.

one.

alrighty. day one = success, thus far.

b: slimfast powder w. almond milk ~200cal?
l: watered down mango nectar (at work) ~80cal?
s: green tea -0cal
cheat: one chocolate chip (FML! i was baking cookies..didn't eat any dough..then without thinking slipped a chip in my mouth. not okay.)
d: ...

dinner. see, here's the problem. this sorority deal necessitates socializing with the girls - which they like to do over dinner. SO, tonight is dinner with my "sis-mom"  (is that the same as big sis?). we're going to za's, a place where you choose either pizza, panini, pasta, or salad, and customize it. it's pretty cool - as long as you like carbs. SO, i'm screwed. i don't want her to think i'm weird about food. yet i refuse to give in. i'm so proud of how i've done today and i don't want to fuck that up. plus i think i'm going out tonight, so a- i don't want to be bloated, and b- i'm going to be drinking..i can't have both alcohol and carbs. HEY- maybe that's my rule for october. if i eat food, absolutely NO alcohol that day. woohooo that'll work:)

anyway, back to dinner...i think i'll just get like, a half salad and half soup? it's not really a place where it's totally ok or normal to get just a cup of soup. DAMN. so, i can do soup and salad. few carbs as poss. and NO, I WILL NOT eat the garlic bread. i don't give a fuck if it's tasty. not gonna happen. basically..i have to sacrifice parts of this liquid fast to avoid suspicion, i've decided. for example. the girl i'm getting dinner with..i don't want her first impression of me to be that i have food issues. sunday  morning. my parents are concerned about me enough as i keep trying to off myself, i'd rather not freak them out even more. blah.

xo.

fin.

i don't like posting twice in one day. but i don't want to start october on a negative note.

dinner was a disaster. i ate everything. we got fajitas, and i couldn't stop. at least it was fucking delicious. chicken and steak, so good, so good. tomorrow i get serious.

OCTOBER:

-liquid fast as frequently as poss.

-fruits and vegetables are good.

-no pasta, no bread, none of that shit.

-minimize alcohol, NO DRUNK-FOOD

-no processed shit.

-no meat.

i have to get brunch with my family on sunday for mother's birthday. besides that..nothing demands that i eat. hooray. i'm going to be so fucking thin someday. don't have a scale and haven't been to the gym/refuse to weigh myself at the gym. will get a scale this month. get paid next week i think..should've bought one today when i was in target. ah well. i already got weird looks for my purchases; nail polish, tiny plates, slimfast, and various juices. nothing else. bahaha. whatever.


I need a goal. goal for Nov 1. hmm. 110lbs. time to get motherfucking serious. i know i keep saying that but forreal.

liquid fastinggg.

well, everyone else is doing it. so let's GO. :) i'm super pumped.
i already had some mini cans of pineapple juice (yum) and i bout the same size low sodium v8..though i'm wishing i'd gotten a bottle of one of the fruity-v8's hah..hopefully it's an acquired taste. and a serving of vegetables for only 30cal, in a perfectly portable can? no complaints there. plus it's potassium-a-licious. woohooo. and low sodium:)

problem iiiiss.. i agreed a week ago to a double date tonight with my roommate and her fiancé (yeah, she's getting married. it freaks me out a bit. maybe i should mention i'm 18.) anyway, so we're going to this really good mexican/southwestern restaurant on main street. it's good food, but i'm dreading it. i've done so well today with only liquids, i don't want to ruin it..but i can't make an excuse. she's really excited. and i can't just blatantly not eat, at a restaurant, in front of the boy. erghhh. as long as i can avoid cheese/sour cream/beans/rice/meat i should be golden. wait..what's left? damn.

weee shall seee.

180.

one hundred eighty posts and i'm still not thin.

aka, time to get my act together.

this weekend = another suicide attempt. so they say. i suppose i could've tried to convince them i took a bottle of dexatrim merely to compensate for all the alcohol calories and subway my drunken self had consumed. but i didn't.

on the brighter side, i got a bid, and my official initiation into alpha gamma delta sisterhood is tomorrow night. i'd tell you what chapter, but that's far too much personal information. oh, sorry, surprise! my name isn't actually lily.

anyway. test in an hour and a half i need to study for, then five hours of work. and of course tomorrow's my early start day, and i have a presentation to prepare which i haven't even started yet. hmm.

ate more trail mix today, in other news, and among other snacks (heelloooo cashews). no wonder i'm so fat. at least i'll be on my feet all night at work. also stood in front of the 45 or so fro-yo toppings that i'm  more than welcome to sample, and surrounded by food and a manager who'll be motherly to the point of telling me to eat dinner, but whatever.

OH, and after this weekend's overdose, daddy wants his little girl to move home. fuck that.

round, round.

lately i feel like i'm constantly cycling between two states;

the first, i'm energetic and super productive and don't need to eat and feel great and get shit done and love being with boyfriend and don't worry about a thing in the world 'cause i'm losing weight and i'll be goddamn beautiful.

the second, i can't get out of bed because i'm exhausted regardless of how much i slept, i don't go to class because i don't see the point, because - well - i don't see the point in anything. i hate people, i hate my boyfriend, i hate myself most of all. and i don't give a fuck if i eat oreos and peanut butter 'cause let's face it, i just want to die.

today's one of the latter. maybe it wouldn't be if i hadn't scarfed a bad of trail mix chex mix last night. made myself stick to the 150cal serving as dinner..then of course after rock climbing had the other 300cal. i disgust myself.

fuck feeling like this.

woo.

hokay. here goes.

i have my cigarettes, my dexatrim, and my vyvanse. no more excuses. i have no one to answer to about my eating habits. gym/run everyday. no excuses.

i need to be thin.