four.

I always wanted to be thin - toned and thin. still strong. I've always been strong. (physically, nothing else). I swam and played water polo, both varsity, for four years. I was strong. I had big shoulders and though big defined toned muscles were gorgeous. I always loved being strong.

I'm not strong. I don't swim, I don't play water polo, hell, I barely even workout anymore, and I never do any weight training. strictly cardio. I don't care. I watched over the past 18months as my shoulders shrunk, the defined muscle in my back faded. faded under fat. I wanted that back, more than anything.

and now? I don't want that back. I don't want it at all. I don't want to be heavier simply because I'm so much muscle. I want to be thin, but skinny. skin and bone. frail. when did that happen? I'm broken and shattered and vulnerable and need taking care of. boyfriend doesn't mind taking care of me 'cause for some reason I can't fathom he thinks I'm perfect. and he loves me. but fat girls don't need taking care of. fat and ugly don't go well together with sad and broken. I'm sad and broken and small inside. I need to be small on the outside too. maybe by that point I won't need to taken care of and so sad and broke. maybe then I'll be happy. I don't want to be the one who can carry heavy things. I want to be the one who's lifted up because I'm so small and light. light, as a feather. I want another tattoo - a feather. then again, I seem to have forgotten the purpose behind my first one. the bird, in flight. flying. weightless. hollow bones. I want hollow bones. as humans, we can't have hollow bones. but I can come close. I can hollow out everything else, so I myself am hollow, bones exposed.

and that is what I want.


day four;
time: 4:20pm
intake:
-slim fast shake mix -100
-cup almond milk -60cal
-stomach ease tea -0cal
-lots o' water -0cal
-powerade zero -0cal
-luna bar -170cal (fml, but I was about to throw up from taking all the pills on an empty stomach and it was closest to me. at least it has some fiber in it, i haven't taken a shit in days.)
pills:
-vyvanse
-one-a-day
-dayquil liquigels

burned:
-nada. haven't left my aparment. only left my room for water/tea/bathroom. /to put the dishwasher on, so as to feel productive and make my roommate happy.

i want to be tiny. I will be tiny.

if I post more than one picture I'll just keep posting. and never stop. this has already taken me half an hour, and I took vyvanse to help me study for these two exams, not thinspo the day away. though I'd much rather do the latter. sorority 'family' dinner tonight. it's dollar burger day at the place we're going. already told my 'sis-mom' i'm not feeling so hot. can probably get away with just soup or a smoothie. tomorrow i have no foody obligations, as far as I'm aware. let's keep it that way.

strong strong, lovelies. there are so many reasons to be thin.
also, this girl is awesome. go follow. :)