three.

i ate. i ate food. i ate a meal. i ate two, then i ate three.

three meals.

i feel disgusting.

i resemble a beached whale. and i know that issn't something i can just sleep off. so neither is this horribly guilty disgusting feeling. god i hate myself. i'm a failure.

two. (yesterday).

fail.

friday i managed to eat barely anything at za's..the girl i was with had already eaten dinner at the house- though she said this too late for me to say 'oh me too!' and get away with just a smoothie (delish, by the way). the night ended with me consuming a bottle of wine with my roommate from last year (well, a bottle each), and ending up at the boyfriend's. where i drank only water, but gave in to green beans and mashed potatoes (leftovers). at least they were veg..except the potatoes..fuck me.

yesterday morning i got dragged to ihop with boyfriend and fifteen of his fraternity brothers. coffee, water. didn't need anything else. that wasn't an option. got one of their 'healthy' omelettes, with spinach mushrooms tomatos and onion. it was good, and reasonably healthy, and all i ate yesterday. i'm just pissed that i keep eating. i don't need to. i haven't been hungry. it's so unnecessary.

yesterday afternoon i baked the cookie dough i'd mixed up friday and biked (uphill, mind you) over to the boyfriend's to give them to him. i didn't keep a single one for myself, or eat any of them or the dough. so proud of myself. sipped water as they watched the game,and went over some of my anthro terms (exam on tues) then headed home again to shower before the hockey game. so we all got hockey tickets. dropped a couple hundo on my season tickets, point being that i was in a seating group with bf and a bunch of the guys who went last year. they love it. as do i. anyway. the ticket office apparently doesn't think we have a seating group. (bullshit). so we're spread out over 5 different sections. fortunately boyfriend knows one of the ushers so just walked into our section from last year. the rest of us just migrated. 'twas pretty easy but also annoying and unnecessary. anyway. i literally stayed for half an hour, then ran home. ran. woohoo. threw my jeans and hockey stuff on, threw my little black dress and heels on, then grabbed a cab over to the house. everyone looked sooo good. then the guys came to pick us up, it was nice. at the house it was way classy, the guys were in shirts and ties, and they made us mimosas:) after that wiiine, then, y'know, brewskies. didn't drink a whole lot. mixer got old, so headed out with a couple of sisters to a house party, being told it was hush-hush and not to tell anyone at all. so that was cool. it was a long walk but i really got to know one of the girls. she's super cool- we're like the same person. and she is hot, like damn girl. anywho. yes, we got drunk food. i got chicken nachos. didn't even eat half, so i'm not that mad. i was hungry as fuck and didn't want to be hungover for family time this morning.

SO. in conclusion. days of liquid fasting = 0. today i won't be able to - i'll be forced to eat at brunch..we're going to a really good restaurant i love though so..idk. at least it won't be shit. but still. i'm frustrated.

gah.

one.

alrighty. day one = success, thus far.

b: slimfast powder w. almond milk ~200cal?
l: watered down mango nectar (at work) ~80cal?
s: green tea -0cal
cheat: one chocolate chip (FML! i was baking cookies..didn't eat any dough..then without thinking slipped a chip in my mouth. not okay.)
d: ...

dinner. see, here's the problem. this sorority deal necessitates socializing with the girls - which they like to do over dinner. SO, tonight is dinner with my "sis-mom"  (is that the same as big sis?). we're going to za's, a place where you choose either pizza, panini, pasta, or salad, and customize it. it's pretty cool - as long as you like carbs. SO, i'm screwed. i don't want her to think i'm weird about food. yet i refuse to give in. i'm so proud of how i've done today and i don't want to fuck that up. plus i think i'm going out tonight, so a- i don't want to be bloated, and b- i'm going to be drinking..i can't have both alcohol and carbs. HEY- maybe that's my rule for october. if i eat food, absolutely NO alcohol that day. woohooo that'll work:)

anyway, back to dinner...i think i'll just get like, a half salad and half soup? it's not really a place where it's totally ok or normal to get just a cup of soup. DAMN. so, i can do soup and salad. few carbs as poss. and NO, I WILL NOT eat the garlic bread. i don't give a fuck if it's tasty. not gonna happen. basically..i have to sacrifice parts of this liquid fast to avoid suspicion, i've decided. for example. the girl i'm getting dinner with..i don't want her first impression of me to be that i have food issues. sunday  morning. my parents are concerned about me enough as i keep trying to off myself, i'd rather not freak them out even more. blah.

xo.

fin.

i don't like posting twice in one day. but i don't want to start october on a negative note.

dinner was a disaster. i ate everything. we got fajitas, and i couldn't stop. at least it was fucking delicious. chicken and steak, so good, so good. tomorrow i get serious.

OCTOBER:

-liquid fast as frequently as poss.

-fruits and vegetables are good.

-no pasta, no bread, none of that shit.

-minimize alcohol, NO DRUNK-FOOD

-no processed shit.

-no meat.

i have to get brunch with my family on sunday for mother's birthday. besides that..nothing demands that i eat. hooray. i'm going to be so fucking thin someday. don't have a scale and haven't been to the gym/refuse to weigh myself at the gym. will get a scale this month. get paid next week i think..should've bought one today when i was in target. ah well. i already got weird looks for my purchases; nail polish, tiny plates, slimfast, and various juices. nothing else. bahaha. whatever.


I need a goal. goal for Nov 1. hmm. 110lbs. time to get motherfucking serious. i know i keep saying that but forreal.

liquid fastinggg.

well, everyone else is doing it. so let's GO. :) i'm super pumped.
i already had some mini cans of pineapple juice (yum) and i bout the same size low sodium v8..though i'm wishing i'd gotten a bottle of one of the fruity-v8's hah..hopefully it's an acquired taste. and a serving of vegetables for only 30cal, in a perfectly portable can? no complaints there. plus it's potassium-a-licious. woohooo. and low sodium:)

problem iiiiss.. i agreed a week ago to a double date tonight with my roommate and her fiancé (yeah, she's getting married. it freaks me out a bit. maybe i should mention i'm 18.) anyway, so we're going to this really good mexican/southwestern restaurant on main street. it's good food, but i'm dreading it. i've done so well today with only liquids, i don't want to ruin it..but i can't make an excuse. she's really excited. and i can't just blatantly not eat, at a restaurant, in front of the boy. erghhh. as long as i can avoid cheese/sour cream/beans/rice/meat i should be golden. wait..what's left? damn.

weee shall seee.

180.

one hundred eighty posts and i'm still not thin.

aka, time to get my act together.

this weekend = another suicide attempt. so they say. i suppose i could've tried to convince them i took a bottle of dexatrim merely to compensate for all the alcohol calories and subway my drunken self had consumed. but i didn't.

on the brighter side, i got a bid, and my official initiation into alpha gamma delta sisterhood is tomorrow night. i'd tell you what chapter, but that's far too much personal information. oh, sorry, surprise! my name isn't actually lily.

anyway. test in an hour and a half i need to study for, then five hours of work. and of course tomorrow's my early start day, and i have a presentation to prepare which i haven't even started yet. hmm.

ate more trail mix today, in other news, and among other snacks (heelloooo cashews). no wonder i'm so fat. at least i'll be on my feet all night at work. also stood in front of the 45 or so fro-yo toppings that i'm  more than welcome to sample, and surrounded by food and a manager who'll be motherly to the point of telling me to eat dinner, but whatever.

OH, and after this weekend's overdose, daddy wants his little girl to move home. fuck that.

round, round.

lately i feel like i'm constantly cycling between two states;

the first, i'm energetic and super productive and don't need to eat and feel great and get shit done and love being with boyfriend and don't worry about a thing in the world 'cause i'm losing weight and i'll be goddamn beautiful.

the second, i can't get out of bed because i'm exhausted regardless of how much i slept, i don't go to class because i don't see the point, because - well - i don't see the point in anything. i hate people, i hate my boyfriend, i hate myself most of all. and i don't give a fuck if i eat oreos and peanut butter 'cause let's face it, i just want to die.

today's one of the latter. maybe it wouldn't be if i hadn't scarfed a bad of trail mix chex mix last night. made myself stick to the 150cal serving as dinner..then of course after rock climbing had the other 300cal. i disgust myself.

fuck feeling like this.

woo.

hokay. here goes.

i have my cigarettes, my dexatrim, and my vyvanse. no more excuses. i have no one to answer to about my eating habits. gym/run everyday. no excuses.

i need to be thin.

hokay.

I've been totally awol lately I guess. And I mean, I haven't even been reading many blogs. Which saddens me. Shit's been crazy. Still living at home, still looking for a place to live..two places have fallen through now. Still very very depressed. Boyfriend is still being absolutely amazing. I'm so so thankful for having him and my parents. In other news..I decided to rush. My college campus has 15 sororities. Over the past two days I visited them all and probably talked to more girls in those cumulative 10 hours than I have in the past couple of years. Like woah. Tonight we found out which houses asked us back for second sets. I only got four. One of them, I have absolutely no intention of even considering...Alpha Gamma Delta. I actually had forgotten that the middle letter was gamma..I'm so used to thinking of them as alpha-grab-a-donut. Maybe that's bitchy. Oh wait, I don't care. It's absolutely true. YES, I know two lovely girls in AGD. However..they're both rather large. I don't want to be in AGD. Ha.
The others I got called back to are DG (loved 'em), Pi-Phi (liked 'em) and AEPhi (meh). Upset I didn't get invited back to Tridelt or ADPi. Tridelta is known for not taking sophomores, I guess, but ADPi..I had some of the best conversations with the girls there..it wasn't horribly awkward like some of the other houses. AEPhi on the other hand..there were three of us rushees to the one AEPhi and I felt like I sort of lay low as the other two girls talked. I don't know.
Basically between that, and a girl I was trying to sublet a room in a lovely apartment from telling me she doesn't want to live with me, I got home from work and sat and cried. Bawled. Boyfriend called, he came over. Of course. Thank god my parents love him now. I feel like everyone hates me. I literally said that to him and my mother. They tried to convince me otherwise. I'm not sure. Since ending up in hospital nothing's gotten any better. If anything, things are going downhill. I don't know how much more of this I can take. We all have a breaking point. I feel like mine's not far off.

The upside of not having many houses invite me back for rush is that I won't be talking to girls 'til 11:30 the next two nights. So I may actually be able to catch up on all my bio/biopsych/anthro reading. I'm behind already, and it's only the second week of class.

Another positive..I think I've decided on a major. BBCS - brain behavior and cognitive science. It's through the psych department (hrmm) but I'm excited. Neuroscience is nuts and so much organic chem, but bbcs...it sounds so so interesting, and my biopsych class is already my favorite by far. AAAAAALLLSOO boyfriend hooked me up with a job (hopefully) in the rec buildings on campus. It'd be super easy money and the shifts are mostly pretty short, so that's exciting.

Dead tired and can't miss class tomorrow. OH-- tried vyvanse today. I liked it. I've never tried adderall so it was a bit of a bizarre experience, but I didn't even think about food most of the day! Of course I caved and got fro-yo at work, but only a little:) In a vyvanse-fueled frenzy, I went to target and bought an oversized white tee and dexatrim max. SOO I'll start taking that tomorrow- maybe instead of vyvanse? I don't know. We'll see. Or else I'll just take both. Fuck it.

I think tomorrow morning I'll weigh myself. It's been a while. Think thin, ladies. xo.

vyvanse?

just got some vyvanse. weight loss, here i come.

rush is intense. i'm so dead.

ate way too fucking much just now. not gonna talk about it.

binge.

fuck.

fiber cereal with almond milk for breakfast. couple of blueberries. good.

whole wheat bagel, light cream cheese. not good.

cucumber and hummus. acceptable.

brie on a cracker. unacceptable.

3 HOMEMADE TAGALONGS. NO.

tomato basil soup and garlic bread. no no no.

half an apple. does it really matter at this point?


fuckkkkk.

redo.

back at home again. roommates kicked me out. fuck them, they're both cunts. don't want to talk to them again, nevermind be friends. fuck that. and fuck pathetic idiots who are that ignorant and self-centered. and goddamn judgemental. and if you need your parents to fight your battles for you and are going to hide from me when i'm in the apartment..? then that's just sad. i'm literally laughing about it. how could i ever want to live with them? ha. cunts.

anyway. living at home. for now. moved my stuff from the apt to here, at least. though some of it's in the car still and the rest is in the garage, aside from my laptop and some essentials (face wash, etc.). looking at an apartment tomorrow..bit pricey, and i'll be living with a stranger, but i'll have my own room. yesss. i need my space.

got dinner with boyfriend's family tonight. it was nice. it was normal. i ate. not too much, but enough for them to not say anything and to not look ungrateful or anything. it was a pita with veggies and a bit of melted cheese. came with chips and two pickles...ate a pickle and maybe four chips, and not all the pita. it was yummy though. after...ended up going to stucchi's for ice cream with boyfriend though. and in a moment of weakness i got peanut butter with chocolate flakes or something. i forget the actual name for it. it was delish. and in a waffle cone. and HUGE. and i ate the entire fucking thing. and i don't care.

saw my roommate from last year. she said i looked thinnerrr:) though i was wearing this new pair of jeans i got the other week, which make my legs look way better than they actually are. ah well. the other two pairs are mysteriously too big though? which i don't understand..the skinny ones are a 2 and were snug a week ago, and the flares are a 0 and fit fine. the straight ones i was wearing tonight are a 0 and were tight then..now they're perfect. i don't get my body. i feel and look fat and bloated. i've been eating whatever i want and not really eating legitimate meals. oh well. i eat when i'm hungry. if i'm not, i don't. i like it that way.

too cute. i absolutely fucking love my boyfriend. he's stood up for me and helped me through this bullshit. i owe him my life goddamnit. he's perfect. and i love him. and if you think that sounds stupid and pathetic and naive then blow me. i love him and that's all that matters.

beautiful. stay strong, ladies. xo.

too much.

i'm hungry. i don't want to eat. boyfriend and roommates called 911 last night. paramedics took me to hospital. took shots and swallowed advil. got upset and violent when boyfriend tried to stop me.

blood alcohol was nearly 0.3.

i'm sick of wanting to die.

day, erm, negative one?

tomorrow can be day zero. wednesday is officially day one, i'll be in my apartment, and i will be in control.

for now, to avoid packing and to avoid shopping for things i need, this should take my mind off my mini-binge of a cookie and some fudge. blech. striked are things i've done. suure, ask away.

1. Had A Threesome
2. Been drunk.
3. Touched a real gun.
4. Done drugs
5. Wrote on a bathroom stall.
6. Took “naughty” pictures of myself.
7. Had sex
8. Got into a fist fight.
9. Used Twitter.
10. Listened to Lady Gaga.
11. Been in a car accident.
12. Gotten suspended.
13. Gotten expelled.
14. Got a computer virus.
15. Had a hand-written diary.
16. Been allergic to something.
17. Had a dog.
18. Had a cat.
19. Been pregnant
20. Had a pregnancy scare.
21. Had unprotected sex.
22. Camped out.
23. Swam in the ocean.
24. Wore a bikini.
25. Met someone online in person.
26. Made a survey.
27. Used ICQ.
28. Failed a class for the year.
29. Repeated a grade.
30. Went to summer school. 
31. Got straight As
32. Got As and Bs
33. Learned to speak another language fluently.
34. Read an entire book.
35. Recorded my own music.
36. Had an Xbox.
37. Listened to Rammstein.
38. Wore fishnets.
39. Bought skinny jeans.
40. Been in love.
41. Hated someone.
42. Been cheated on.
43. Cheated on someone.
44. Had a significant other.
45. Did something sexual with someone of the same sex. 
46. Practiced Christianity.
47. Worn makeup.
48. Had a cavity.
49. Had surgery.
50. Had my license.
51. Been to college.
52. Graduated high school.
53. Attempted suicide. 
54. Worn colored contacts.
55. Painted my nails black.
56. Broken someone’s heart.
57. Had my heart broken.
58. Cried for an hour straight.
59. Lost something very valuable.
60. Had sex in a car.
61. Got separated from my parents as a kid.
62. Broken a bone.
63. Gotten stung by a bee.
64. Eaten something bad/expired.
65. Threw up from being so drunk.
66. Had to put a pet to sleep.
67. Participated in a swinger’s party.
68. Owned an iPod.
69. Owned an iPhone.
70. Fell for a best friend.
71. Stole a friend’s significant other.
72. Had a serious disease.    ---does depression count?
73. Gone away from home for more than a week.
74. Moved out.
75. Ran away.
76. Teased my brother/sister.
77. Gotten into a verbal fight.
78. Been to the hospital.
79. Had food poisoning.
80. Had a job.
81. Been fired.
82. Lied to a friend.
83. Lied to a family member.
84. Lied to a significant other.
85. Posted a video on YouTube.
86. Started a rumour about someone.
87. Deliberately failed a test.
88. Dropped out of school.
89. Gotten my “private parts” pierced.
90. Been skinny dipping.
91. Counted to a million.
92. Counted to a thousand.
93. Ate deer meat.
94. Ate duck meat.
95. Had fast food.
96. Been to church.
97. Been to a synagogue.
98. Been married.
99. Had a divorce

so i guess i always put a picture at the end rather than the beginning of a post. hmm. not sure why. ah well. 


think thin, lovelies. i've already fucked up today, but tomorrow's a new day.

relapse.

I can't do this. NOT counting calories, eating like a "normal" person..it's driving me crazy and stressing me out and making me feel like a disgusting fat cow. NO MORE.

moving out in either two or three days (TOPS). aka, 2.5 days until total control of my intake. and within walking distance of the gym once again. HELL YESSSS.

let's fucking go.

too much slurpee.

i haven't been counting calories. i haven't been working out. i have been having suicidal thoughts. i did try to kill myself last week.

boyfriend's worried. i'm having a hard time pretending to be happy. i feel like i'm taking some of it out on him. but i love him so much. i don't know. things are crazy right now.

awkward picture, i know. me this morning. weighed in at 120. whatever happened to 118? i miss that number. grrr. move out in one week. cannot wait.

try try try.

last night. three beers. then bread&butter and a southbeachdiet fiber bar.

this morning. water, water, water. how the HELL did i used to be able to take shot after shot and down beer after beer? holy hell. anyway. then a banana and two strawberries. then an 80cal oatmeal cookie i made last night. figured fiber can't help. banana and strawberries seems to have already helped with the bloating. yay potassium.

shower then seeing the boyfriend. hanging out with him no longer means being able to avoid food. he knows too much.

x.

cloudy.

This horrible bloating and constipation and abdominal pain thing sucks, and even after bloodwork the doctor doesn't have much idea what it is. The good? A week ago I was 121ish. Past two days I've been 118. ..And I haven't worked out at all:) woohoo !

Problem is, now it's the weekend, so it's harder to avoid eating with my family. I spent the past two days baking or else not in the house. I love love love baking and cooking. Lately I'm not even really tempted to eat the results. Well, a taste, of course, but aside from that..no. It's as if the process is a meal and the result is just a little nibble for dessert. Idk. I'm only making healthy creations anyway. I think me spending more time in the kitchen gives the illusion I'm eating more than I actually am. Definitely another positive.

Today I'm off rock climbing again. Hoorayy ! I really do love it. I think I've developed sort of a mental block on all my favorite routes though, almost convincing myself that I can't go any higher than I've gone before because if I do then I'll fall. Or else, I can't go to the top because I'll be too high up. I don't know. Need to work on bouldering a bit more too though, and that's helping me trust my own strength a bit more, and learn that it's okay to fall.

I lost a follower, I guess. To be expected, I pretty much disappeared for nearly a month and really had nothing interesting to say. Ah well. Keep having extremely vivid and bizarre dreams. I don't know.

i bet she never stays up all night contemplating whether or not to down the bottle of advil.

think thin, stay strong, and avoid food.

xo.

sitting waiting wishing.

how much do celebrities weigh?

i'm intrigued as to how accurate that is. hmm. anyway. ate a bit less today, didn't keep track though. i need to get back into that habit, otherwise mindlessly eating is far too easy to slip back into.

act class teacher training started tonight. not too bad. only four (and a half) sessions more to go.

tomorrow plan is to get up and go for a run before it gets too hot. then off to the lake for a bit, then rock climbing with the boy :) hoooraayyy. should be able to avoid food for at least most of the day!

think thin, xo.

fear.

fear. I'm enveloped in it and I can't handle it. My cousin left today after two weeks of nonstop eating and severe lack of exercise. I feel horrible. The going-on two weeks of incurable constipation and extreme stomach pains are freaking me out. No weight loss. I feel disgustingly fat. Three weeks 'til move-in, making it four weeks 'til classes start. I've signed up to rush, so I need to be thin for that. I need to get this stomach bullshit worked out, and soon. Then I need to work out. Everyday. I have to.